6.9/10
52
3 user 3 critic

The Da Vinci Load (2006)

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Director:

Jerome Tanner

Writer:

Nelson X
Reviews
1 nomination. See more awards »
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Cast

Cast overview, first billed only:
Haley Paige Haley Paige ... Det. Jane Rosello (as Hailey Paige)
Missy Monroe Missy Monroe ... Dr. Nadia Saint
Adel Miller Adel Miller ... Ice Cream Girl (as Joey Hart)
Charlotte Stokely ... School Girl #1
Jasmine Tame Jasmine Tame ... School Girl #2
Tory Lane ... Hooker
Eva Angelina ... Prioress
Michelle Maylene ... Cult Girl
Evan Stone ... Prof. Lee Teabag
James Deen ... Tony Petkovich
Claudio Meloni Claudio Meloni ... Curator James DuBois
Steve Holmes ... College Student #1
Scott Nails ... College Student #2
Frank Bukkwyd Frank Bukkwyd ... Det. John Brown -NonSex Role
Janos Skorzeny Janos Skorzeny ... Dan Bailey -NonSex Role
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Storyline

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Plot Summary | Add Synopsis

Genres:

Adult | Crime | Fantasy

Certificate:

X
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Details

Country:

USA

Language:

English

Release Date:

2006 (USA) See more »

Company Credits

Production Co:

Hustler Video See more »
Show more on IMDbPro »

Technical Specs

Runtime:

Color:

Color
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Did You Know?

Quotes

Dr. Nadia Saint: Great men have great cum. Bad men have bad cum. Unworthy semen that brings fourth unworthy humans.
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Connections

References The Matrix (1999) See more »

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User Reviews

Goofy takeoff with tongue-twisting expository dialog
12 January 2017 | by lor_See all my reviews

Jerome Tanner brings his usual odd touches to this rather weak Hustler riff on the hit book/movie, typical porn-parody trash. Stars Evan Stone and Haley Paige tackle the challenge of reciting endless mumbo jumbo from screenwriter Nelson X, a case where fast-forwarding can be forgiven.

Paige is a cop partnered with Frank Bukkwyd, investigating a murder of the Louvre curator played by Claudio Meloni, who's visiting L.A. with an exhibition. The hit man is James Deen, later killed by some jail-bait minions of his employers, an ancient female cult that worships semen.

This rather unfunny nonsense (Nelson's jokes fall flat dozens of times in succession) is a variation on the prevalent cock-worship that has made XXX porn anethema to a large swath of its potential audience, who opt for the crap that's left of soft-core Cinema, shown on pay-cable channels to insomniacs.

The gals, whose leader is Eva Angelina in a non-speaking (but lesbian humping) role, have been humping "great men" over the centuries in order to obtain their spunk, preserved for procreating other great offspring. The details of this gibberish are meant to be amusing but lack any semblance of wit. Typically, a recitation of the "great men" so preserved and exalted reads Newton, Botticelli, Hugo and Jerome Tanner - hardy har har.

The climactic six-girl lesbian orgy, staged like one of those '70s Satanic rituals with hooded & cloaked cultists, oddly presages a current lesbian orgy from the Stills & Mills in team that is the climax of their feature "The Faces of Alice". I'm fairly certain this is mere coincidence.

Paige is sexy and her character is set up in a trick ending for a sequel, but the Part 2 release by Tanner through Hustler is more a remake than a followup, with Nautica Thorn taking over the lead role as Dr. Nadia Saint, played here rather poorly by Missy Monroe. Saint is posited as an ex-FBI profiler turned professor of a sort of worship of the male orgasm. Fantasy element is extremely lame, concerning "Clairvoyance of the Cock" (I kid you not) whereby Paige can hallucinate at the point of money shot, a cheap excuse for flashback.

Unknown Hustler girls like Jasmine Tame, Joey Hart and Michelle Maylene flesh out the cast, with Maylene credited as "Call Girl" in the end crawl, a typically sloppy listing that was meant to read "Cult Girl". The great Tory Lane makes up for the casting shortcomings, while a very young Charlotte Stokley doesn't seem promising (yet her career is going strong long after her teammates are kaput) dressed up in a schoolgirl outfit.


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