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Kyle Finn has the ultimate combat machine, a metal suit with super-human powers, and he uses it to defend the good and fight evil. That 'evil' comes in the form of Reed, his ninja henchmen ... See full summary »
Samuel Nathan Hoffmire,
P. David Miller
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Granted, this movie is so monumentally bad, that there isn't a negative review out there that is negative enough to be able to actually capture how horribly bad this movie really is. However, I'm going to make an observation and say that there must have been two conflicting parties involved in the making of this movie and they never really communicated at all during the entire film-making process. Either that or the editor hated both parties and decided to try and end everyone's careers all at once.
If you are in such a dire need to see a pirate movie because Pirates of the Caribbean is no longer doing it for you, and you find yourself desperate enough to rent probably the worst pirate movie ever made, by all means, rent this movie, but do yourself a favor and watch the version with the commentary with the director (who plays a small part in the movie and actually does a decent job at it) and some other guy. I think it was one of the PA's. I'm not quite sure. I just know the guy had like five small parts in the movie.
First of all, having no dialogue only makes the movie better. Trust me. The two guys talking on the commentary track are hilarious! This seriously could've been another episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. The weird thing is that the movie you are seeing with the commentary is almost a completely different movie. It actually looks better then the actual movie! When I say 'better,' that term is relative. Whoever decided to cast the blond girl as the part of the pirate who had killed 17 men and was supposed to look like a boy, must have been doing some serious hallucinogens at the time because this girl was so bad, she was the epitome of the word 'suck.' She was honestly the worst thing about the whole movie. Even worse then the Tom Cruise wannabe costar who was also horribly bad. If they had cast the brunette with the curly hair and the French accent (who actually had some decent acting chops and was much more interesting to look at) to play the blond girl's part, the movie would have definitely been a little more salvageable.
I think it's obvious that this movie was intended to be a spoof on the pirate genre, only somewhere down the line, someone decided to make it a serious film, which was a really bad idea. The cinematography was excellent for the most part. The editing was horrible. The acting was also horrible, with exceptions of a few small performances. The story could have worked for a spoof movie, but definitely not as an action-drama. Finally, if you're looking to find a good performance out of Lance Henricksen, don't think for a second you're going to get one here. I seriously feel bad for the guy. You can almost see in his eyes how depressed he must have been after doing films such as Dog Day Afternoon and Aliens to subject himself to this kind of ungodly poop.
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