Homer Simpson: Here are your messages: "You have thirty minutes to move your car." "You have ten minutes." "Your car has been impounded." "Your car has been crushed into a cube." "You have thirty minutes to move your cube."
Homer Simpson: [Phone Rings] Y'ello, Mr. Burns Office?
Mr. Burns: Is it about my cube?
Homer: Oh, man, oh, man. We killed Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns is gonna be so mad.
Bart Simpson: [Homer is eating fruit from a fruit basket he has received from Smithers] What'd you get that for?
Homer: For knocking Mr. Burns out of a third storey window.
Bart Simpson: Makes sense to me.
Lisa Simpson: Did he die?
Homer: What am I, a Doctor?
Montgomery Burns: Get going! And answer those phones, install the computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills.
Homer: [taking notes] Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the... things. Uh... the things?
[Burns looks at him meanly]
Smithers: I've got to find a replacement who won't outshine me. Perhaps if I search the employee evaluations for the word "incompetent".
Computer: 714 matches found.
Smithers: 714 names? Huh, better be more specific. "lazy", "clumsy", "dim-witted", "monstrously ugly"...
Computer: 714 matches found.
Smithers: Ah, nuts to this! I'll just go and get Homer Simpson.
Smithers: Mr. Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for having that affair with President Taft.
Homer: Heh, heh, heh! Taft, you old dog!
Mr. Burns: I'll have my lunch now: a single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg.
Homer: But I think the dodo went extinct...
Mr. Burns: Get going. And answer those phones, install a computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills.
Montgomery Burns: Donuts? I told you I don't like ethnic food!
Smithers: Your new duties will include answering Mr. Burns' phone, preparing his tax return, moistening his eyeballs, assisting with his chewing and swallowing, lying to Congress, and some light typing.
Homer: Mr. Burns has a mother? She must be a hundred million years old!
Smithers: She has limited capacities. All she can do is dial and yell.
Montgomery Burns: Really, Smithers, I'll be fine. I'm sure your replacement will be able to handle everything. Who is he, anyway?
Smithers: Uh, Homer Simpson, sir. One of your organ banks from sector 7G. All the recent events of your life have revolved around him in some way.
Montgomery Burns: Simpson, eh?
Homer: [High pitched] Hello, Mr. Burns. This is your mother.
Smithers: [Whispering] No.
Mr. Burns: Guh. Oh, hello, Mater. Uh, sorry about pulling the plug on you and all. Who could have known you'd pull through and live for another five decades? Oh, is my face red!
Smithers: [Whispering] Mrs. Burns is 122 years old, so try to sound more desiccated. And she doesn't call her son Mr. Burns!
Homer: [Raspy] Son, this is Mrs. Burns. I just called to say, I don't love you. You are a bad son, Montel.
Mr. Burns: [Appears beside Homer] So! Impersonate my mother, will you? And you Smithers! You must have put him up to it!
Moe Szyslak: [Mr. Burns has sent Smithers on vacation. Deciding he needs him back, he tries to call him, but, not knowing how to use a telephone, he simply dials the name S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. It turns out he has dialed Moe's Tavern] Moe's Tavern.
Montgomery Burns: Hello, I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Waylon?
Moe Szyslak: [Thinking it is a crank call] Oh, Waylon Smithers, huh? Listen to me, you! When I catch you I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove'em down your pants! So you can watch me kick the crap of out you! Okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!
Montgomery Burns: Pull yourself together, man! I dare say you're in need of a long vacation.
Smithers: No! Don't make me take a vacation! Without you, I'll wither and die!
Montgomery Burns: That's a risk I'm willing to take!
Marge Simpson: Homie, it's 4.30 in the morning. Little Rascals isn't on till 6.00.
Homer: I know. I'm taping it. I want to get to Mr. Burns' house bright and early to make his breakfast.
Marge Simpson: Oh, poor Homie. Poor, poor - -
Bart Simpson: [Homer is asleep on the couch] Look alive, Simpson! I'm not paying you to goldbrick!
Homer: Yes! Yes, sir.
Bart Simpson: [Hands him a Math book and a pencil] Now get cracking on my long division, and don't forget to show your work, Simpson.
Homer: I'll have it on your desk in the morning, sir.
Lisa Simpson: Bart! Leave Simpson alone!
[Whispering in Homer's ear]
Lisa Simpson: Simpson, I need a ride to the library.
Homer: Yes, sir.
Marge Simpson: Kids! Stop exploiting your father! Homie, why don't you lie down and relax?
Homer: No time, Marge. I think Mr. Burns wants me to do some long division.
Marge Simpson: Simpson, lie down! Sorry, but you need a good night's rest.
Montgomery Burns: [Smithers is tending to a bedridden Mr Burns after being knocked out of his office window] I don't need you to do any of this. I'm totally self-reliant now. What I would like though is a Spanish peanut.
[Smithers is about to feed him one]
Montgomery Burns: Skin.
[Smithers skins it and Mr Burns munches on it enjoyably]
Montgomery Burns: It's a remarkable thing. In the short time you were gone I learned to be completely self-reli...
[Mr Burns stops before he can finish the sentence so Smithers can pop another peanut in his mouth]
Montgomery Burns: ... ant.
Smithers: It's for you!
[smashing a phone receiver into Homer's face repeatedly]