Homer: Look Marge, you don't know what it's like - I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line! And I'm not out of order. You're out of order. The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't HANDLE the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge! It's Chinatown!
Marge: Homer, don't EVER tell them personal stuff about me again!
Homer: [nervously] Yes, ma'am!
Marge: We don't think you're slow... but on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything.
Homer: Do you think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge! They won't let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once - just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves! But they won't! They won't let me live!
Groundskeeper Willie: If I wanted to see a man eat an orange, I would have taken the orange-eating class!
Hans Moleman: [cut to Hans Moleman teaching] The eating of an orange is a lot like a good marriage.
Grampa: [impatient] Just eat the damn oranges!
[Homer is teaching a Successful Marriage course]
Homer: Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as: the process of removing weeds from one's garden.
Homer: All right, brain, it's all up to you; you don't think of what it is, we'll lose Marge forever.
Homer's Brain: Eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding.
[Homer becomes a teacher]
Lisa: So, dad, will you be teaching from a standardized text or using the more Socratic method?
[Homer stares at her, confused]
Homer: Yes, Lisa. Daddy's a teacher.
Reverend Lovejoy: Get a divorce.
Helen Lovejoy: Mmm-hmmm.
Marge: But isn't that a sin?
Reverend Lovejoy: Um, Marge, just about everything is a sin.
[holds up a Bible]
Reverend Lovejoy: Y'ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.
[Homer is teaching a university course on marriage]
Homer: I do have a story about two other young marrieds. Now, the wife of this couple had an interesting quirk in the bedroom. It seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow.
Mrs. Krabappel: We need names.
Homer: Well, er, let's just call them, uh, "Mr. X" and "Mrs. Y." So anyway, Mr. X would say, "Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson."
Homer: Look everyone, now that I'm a teacher I've sewn patches on my elbows.
Marge: Homer that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed jacket, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket.
Homer: Correction, Marge.
[He holds up a tweed jacket with two large holes in the back]
Homer: Two perfectly good jackets.
Homer: [Running a red light and speeding into the middle of a busy intersection] It's okay! I'm a teacher!
Miss Hoover: I didn't know we could do that!
[Hits her gas and speeds through the intersection, running a red light herself]
Homer: [playing poker, gagging and coughing up poker chips] Ew! Don't try to eat these so called "chips".
Moe: You want another card, or not?
Homer: Huh? Oh, I'll take three.
[takes four cards]
Homer: D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! I mean, "woohoo".
Moe: I'm in. Let's see your cards.
Homer: Aww, I was bluffing.
Moe: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Come to papa!... minute - you have a straight flush, Homer! Goh! You do this every time! Arrrgh-eeengh-gah! Chokin' on my own rage here!
Homer: Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk.
Homer: And how!