- [at Itchy & Scratchy Land]
- Park Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson. Your son has been arrested.
- Woman: I'd be terribly embarrassed if I was that boy's mother.
- Marge: Mmmmm...
- Park Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson. We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.
- Marge: Mmmmmmm...
- Helicopter Pilot: We are now approaching our final destination, Itchy and Scratchy Land. The amusement park of the future where nothing can "possa-bly" go wrong. Uh, possibly go wrong. That's the first thing that's ever gone wrong.
- Euro-Itchy and Scratchy Land Ticket Attendant: Hello? Itchy & Scratchy Land, open for business! Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on, my last paycheck bounced! My children need wine!
- Homer: Wow, it *is* the seventies, right down to the smallest detail.
- Marge: Hey, the bartender even looks like John Travolta.
- John Travolta: Yeah, *looks* like...
- Lisa Simpson: Dad, remember when you said going to Itchy & Scratchy Land would be too damn expensive?
- Homer: Oh, everything's too damn expensive nowadays. Look at this Bible I bought - fifteen bucks! And talking about a preachy book! Everyone's a sinner - except for this guy.
- [points to a page in the book that presumably refers to Jesus]
- Park Manager: There's no need to murmur, ma'am. Here at Itchy and Scratchy Land, we're just as concerned with violence as you are. That's why we're always careful to show the consequences of deadly mayhem, so that we may educate as well as horrify.
- Marge: When do you show the consequences? On TV, that mouse pulled out that cat's lungs and played them like a bagpipe, but in the next scene, the cat was breathing comfortably.
- Park Manager: Just like in real life.
- Marge: [as robot Itchys and Scratchys advance on her and Homer] I knew we should've gone to the bird sanctuary.
- [Cut to the sanctuary, where the birds are attacking visitors Hitchcock-style. Hans Moleman is in a phone booth, completely oblivious to the carnage outside]
- Hans Moleman: I need the biggest seed bell you have... no, that's too big.
- [Homer and Marge are sleeping. Suddenly, Lisa bursts in, pulling a toy wagon carrying a lifeless Bart]
- Lisa Simpson: Mom, Dad! BART'S DEAD!
- [they wake up and gasp]
- Bart: [coming alive] That's right - dead serious about going to Itchy & Scratchy Land!
- [Homer and Marge groan]
- Bart: Mom, guess what!
- Lisa Simpson: We're going to Itchy & Scratchy Land!
- Marge: No. I've already planned our vacation for this year. We're going to the Highway 9 Bird Sanctuary. I understand they've installed a new bird feeder this year.
- [Bart and Lisa stare, horrified]
- Marge: It's shaped like a diner! And it's on this really tall pole.
- Homer: Okay, let's make a pact. This is gonna be the best vacation ever or we're all agreed to disband and join other families.
- Marge, Bart, Lisa Simpson: Agreed.
- Bart: [while browsing the park's gift shop] Look at all this great stuff, Lise. Cool, personalized plates!
- [looking for one with his name]
- Bart: Barclay, Barry, Bert... Bort? Aw, come on. Bort?
- Boy: [runs up to the stall] Mommy, Mommy! Buy me a license plate!
- Mother: [grabs his arm] No, come along, Bort.
- Man: [turns around in surprise] Are you talking to me?
- Mother: No, my son is also named Bort.
- Control Room Guy #1: Mop-and-bucket man to the exit of the Nauseator.
- Control Room Guy #2: We have another jumper on the roof of T.G.I. McScratchy's.
- Control Room Guy #3: We need more Bort license plates in the gift shop - I repeat, we are sold out of Bort license plates!
- Maestro: Welcome to T.G.I. McScratchy's, where it's constantly New Year's Eve! Here we go again! Three, two, one...
- Partygoers: Happy New Year!
- [balloons are strewn about the dance floor]
- Marge: It must be wonderful to ring in the new year over and over and over!
- Cocktail Waiter: [glumly] Please kill me.
- Marge: ...And remember, every morning give one bowl of Kibble to Santa's Little Helper. Do you want me to write any of this down?
- Grampa Simpson: No! I ain't senile, dad blast it!
- Marge: Okay, bye-bye!
- Homer, Bart: Bye!
- Lisa Simpson: Bye, Grampa!
- [the family drives off, leaving Grampa with Santa's Little Helper and Snowball II]
- Grampa Simpson: Wait a minute! What was that last thing you said? 'Grampa's Little Helper'... what's that?
- [meekly, to animals]
- Grampa Simpson: Which one of you is the mailman?
- [animals look awkwardly at each other]
- [Bart notices an actor in an Itchy costume capering and waving to guests]
- Bart: So, Mr. Itchy, you think you're God's gift to women, do you?
- Lisa Simpson: Don't do it, Bart.
- [Bart pulls a stink bomb from his "Li'l Bastard Traveling Kit" and slingshots it straight into "Itchy"'s mouth]
- Man in Itchy Costume: [choking in horror] I just wanted to entertain!
- [Bart laughs as he runs away]
- Bart: Can you believe I keep getting away with this...
- [a uniformed man puts a hand on his shoulder]
- Bart: uh, officer?
- [the Simpsons are trying to escape the murderous Itchy and Scratchy robots]
- Bart: A chopper - we're saved!
- Man in Itchy Costume: Hey, you're the guys that didn't like our capering! When you get to Hell, tell 'em Itchy sent ya!
- [kicks Bart and Homer away]