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- [doorbell rings; Homer answers the door to Krusty]
- Krusty the Clown: Hello, I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns. Last year, tornadoes claimed the lives of seventy-five Jewish clowns. The worst incident was outside our convention in Lubbock, Texas.
- [choking up]
- Krusty the Clown: There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere!
- [sobs]
- Krusty the Clown: It was terrible...!
- Homer: Wait a minute. Is this a religious thing?
- Krusty the Clown: A religious clown thing, yes.
- Homer: Sorry.
- Krusty the Clown: Well, bless you anyw...
- [Homer shuts the door on him]
- Rev. Lovejoy: No Homer, God didn't burn your house down, but he was working in the hearts of your friends be they Christian, Jew, or... miscellaneous.
- Apu: Hindu. There are seven hundred million of us.
- Rev. Lovejoy: Aww, that's super.
- Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. "The foolish man who built his house upon the sand."
- Homer: [pointing a finger] And you remember
- [thinks]
- Homer: Matthew... 21:17.
- Reverend Lovejoy: [confused] "And he left them and went out of the city, into Bethany, and he lodged there?"
- Homer: Yeah. Think about it.
- Homer: [In bed] Ah. I'm just a big, toasty cinnamon bun. I never want to leave this bed. Uh oh. Gotta take a whiz. Think, man, think. Think, think, think! I better get up.
- [Homer is in the bathroom, urinating]
- Homer: I'm whizzing with the door open and I love it!
- [Homer is in the shower]
- Homer: [singing] Why, oh, why! Delight!
- [washes his face]
- Homer: [He turns on the radio in the shower]
- KBBL DJ #1: It's eleven KBBL degrees below zero. I hope you're someplace warm.
- Homer: You bet your sweet...
- [looks around]
- Homer: ... ass!
- [laughs]
- Lisa Simpson: [In church] Our Father, Who art in Heaven...
- Bart: Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place!
- Homer Simpson: I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?
- Marge: I have a responsibility to raise these children right and, unless you change, I'll have to tell them their father is... well, wicked.
- Homer: [to Lisa and Bart] Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy. He had long hair, and some wild ideas, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was...
- [thinks]
- Homer: I forget. But the point is...
- [thinks]
- Homer: I forget that, too.
- [to Marge]
- Homer: Marge, you know who I'm talking about! He used to drive that blue car.
- Homer: [phones work from Moe's bar] Hello work. I won't be in tomorrow. Religious holiday. The holiday of...
- [sees a sign on the wall]
- Homer: maximum occupancy.
- Moe Syzlack.: Pretty slick.
- Homer: You should join my religion Moe. It's great. No Heaven. No Hell.
- Moe Syzlack.: Sorry Homer.
- [lifts his hands which are covered in band-aids and bites]
- Moe Syzlack.: I was born a snake-handler, and I'll die a snake-handler.
- Marge: Get up, Homer. It's time for church.
- Homer: I don't want to go.
- Marge: It's church. You have to go.
- Homer: Too cold out!
- [We see outside the window. It is a blizzard. A polar bear is digging through the garbage. He pulls out a fish and leaves]
- Marge: I'm tired of having this argument every Sunday! Get dressed!
- [She throws Homer's pants on Homer]
- Homer: Oh! Stupid, itchy church pants!
- [Homer is downstairs, messing with his pants]
- Homer: "One size fits all," my butt!
- Marge: Come on! We're going to be late!
- [Homer pulls up his pants. They rip]
- Homer: Forget it. I'm not going.
- [Homer walks upstairs, revealing his posterior]
- Marge: [Groans]
- Homer: What's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday?... and what if we've picked the wrong religion? Every week we're just making god madder and madder.
- [doorbell rings; Homer answers the door to Krusty]
- Krusty the Clown: Hello, I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns. Last year, tornadoes claimed the lives of seventy-five Jewish clowns. The worst incident was outside our convention in Lubbock, Texas.
- [choking up]
- Krusty the Clown: There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere!
- [sobs]
- Krusty the Clown: It was terrible...!
- Homer: Wait a minute. Is this a religious thing?
- Krusty the Clown: A religious clown thing, yes.
- Homer: Sorry.
- Krusty the Clown: Well, bless you anyw...
- [Homer shuts the door on him]
- [on Sunday, the church doors are frozen shut by the blizzard outside; as the congregation waits, Willie applies a blowtorch]
- Reverend Lovejoy: How's it going, Willie?
- Groundskeeper Willie: Miracles are your department, Reverend!
- [on Sunday, the heat in the church has broken down during a blizzard outside]
- Reverend Lovejoy: [reading] "... and he was cast into the fiery cauldron of Hell! The searing heat, the scalding rivers of molten sulfur...!"
- [the congregation, eyes closed, smile blissfully]
- Bart: Ahh... I'm there.
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