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- [after drinking too much sarsaparilla at a town bar, Grampa needs to use the bathroom as the Simpsons are driving home]
- Homer Simpson: We're almost home, Dad. Only a couple more times over the horizon.
- Grampa Simpson: But I might explode!
- Homer Simpson: You just sit back and relax. I'm not going to let anything happen to my old dad.
- [Scene cuts to Dr. Hibbert holding an X-ray]
- Dr. Hibbert: Oh my God! This man's kidneys have exploded!
- Homer Simpson: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
- Lisa Simpson: Because they discovered gold right over there.
- Homer Simpson: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.
- Marge Simpson: This should be very educational. I want you kids to pay attention.
- Tour Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe in three days; Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trail hand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.
- Homer Simpson: Three minutes.
- [whistles]
- Marge Simpson: I never realized history was so filthy!
- Tour Guide: First on our tour is the whore house. Then we'll visit the cathouse, the brothel, the bordello, and finally the old mission.
- Marge Simpson: Oh, thank heaven.
- Tour Guide: Lots of prostitutes in there!
- Grampa Simpson: [finishes a drink] Ah, can't get a good sasparilla like this back in Springfield. It angries up the blood.
- Bartender: Heh, you like it, huh?
- Grampa Simpson: Up yours!
- Grampa Simpson: Am I dead yet?
- Marge Simpson: No.
- Grampa Simpson: How about now?
- Marge Simpson: No.
- Grampa Simpson: Now?
- Marge Simpson: I'll tell you when you're dead, Grampa.
- Grampa Simpson: Thank you.
- [after drinking too much sarsaparilla at a town bar, Grampa needs to use the bathroom as the Simpsons are driving home]
- Homer Simpson: We're almost home, Dad. Only a couple more times over the horizon.
- Grampa Simpson: But I might explode!
- Homer Simpson: You just sit back and relax. I'm not going to let anything happen to my old dad.
- [Scene cuts to Dr. Hibbert holding an X-ray]
- Dr. Hibbert: Oh my God! This man's kidneys have exploded!
- Nurse: [pressing Homer to sign the "Liability Waver"] It simply says you won't hold us responsible if you die as a result of gross negligence. It's a *standard* form.
- Robot 1: Hey, these cards are marked.
- [table falls]
- Robot 2: Now look what you've done.
- Robot 1: I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.
- Robot 3: Let's forget this whole thing happened.
- Homer: What the heck is this, a tea party? Somebody kill somebody.
- [Homer smashes a bottle on a robot's head. The robots begin to shoot Homer, who dives under a table]
- Marge: What is it with you and robots?
- Marge: Aren't you going to perform the last rites?
- Rev. Lovejoy: That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to perform a voodoo dance.
- [Homer has joined a crew of "lost souls"]
- Woman: We wander the seven seas trying to forget.
- Homer: Forget what?
- Englishman: Oh, boy, here we go.
- Woman: My story of jilted love is long and bittersweet. If anyone has to go to the bathroom, go now. I don't want you walking around during my story.
- Englishman: My story's better, it has tigers.
- Homer Simpson: [Homer has joined the crew for a ship of lost souls] Well, back on land my name was Homer Simpson... and I guess it is here too. I promised my Dad one of my kidneys but I chickened out at the last minute and left him on his deathbed.
- [the crew are appalled and throw Homer overboard]
- [Homer has, at last and not quite voluntatrily, donated a kidney for his father]
- Lisa Simpson: You've done a wonderful thing!
- Marge Simpson: Marge: Yes! You've shortened your life significantly so someone else can have a slight extension of theirs.
- [last lines]
- Homer Simpson: I don't need two kidneys.
- [probing Bart's kidney]
- Homer Simpson: I've got everything I need right here.
- Bart Simpson: Hey, you're tickling me!
- Bart Simpson: Yeeees... tickling.
- Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe in three days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trailhand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.
- Homer: Three minutes.
- [whistles]
- Marge: I never realized history was so filthy.
- Robot #1: Hey, these cards are marked.
- [One of the robots stand up and flip the table over by mistake]
- Robot 2: Now look what you've done.
- Robot #1: I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me.
- Robot 3: Let's forget this whole thing happened.
- Homer Simpson: What the heck is this, a tea party? Somebody kill somebody!
- [Hits one of the robots with a glass bottle, the robots grab fake guns out and shoot Homer]