Shopkeeper: [Homer has agreed to purchase a Krusty doll for Bart's birthday] Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: Ooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free frogurt!
Homer: That's good.
Shopkeeper: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings.
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
[Homer looks puzzled]
Shopkeeper: ...That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Homer: But the car's okay?
Homer: All right then.
[Flanders, a zombie, approaches Homer]
Ned Flanders: Hey, Simpson. I'm feeling a might peckish. Mind if I chew your ear?
[Homer kills Flanders by blasting his head apart with a shotgun]
Bart: Dad! You killed the zombie Flanders.
Homer: He was a zombie?
Mr. Burns: [Taking Marge on an expedition] What do you think, Smithers?
Smithers: I think women and sea-men don't mix.
Mr. Burns: We know what you think.
[Homer has given Bart a "cursed" Krusty doll]
Grampa: That doll is evil, I tells ya! Evil! EEEE-VIL!
Marge: Grampa, you said that about all the presents.
Grampa: I just want attention.
Homer Simpson: That doll tried to kill me!
Bart Simpson: I'd say the pressure has finally gotten to Dad, but what pressure?
Carl: Hey, I hear we're going to Ape Island.
Lenny: Yeah, to capture a giant ape. I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island.
Charlie: Candy Apple Island? What do they got there?
Carl: Apes, but they're not so big.
[after Homer runs, screaming and naked, through the kitchen]
Patty Bouvier: There goes the last lingering threat of my heterosexuality.
Marge: Well, I'm sure glad we didn't turn into mindless zombies.
Bart: Shhh... TV.
Homer: [thud sound on TV] Man fall down... funny.
Homer: [singing] My baloney has a first name, it's H-O-M-E-R, my baloney has a second name, it's H-O-M-E-R.
Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "chicken"?
Homer: No. I swear on this Bible.
Marge: That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Ooh... fuzzy.
Homer: [a la Alfred Hitchcock] Good eeevening.
Homer: I've been asked to tell you that the following show is very scary. You see, there are some crybabies out there - religious types, mostly - who might be offended. If you are one of them, I advise you to turn off your TV now. Come on, I dare you!
Homer: Buck-buck-buck-buck! Chicken!
[screen winks out]
[off the coast of Ape Island, hearing the natives chant, "Homer, Homer, Homer"]
Otto: Hey, who's this Homer dude?
Mr. Burns: He's either a 50-foot prehistoric ape, or a tourist trap concocted by the Ape Island jaycees. Either way, we're going ashore.
Homer Simpson: The doll's trying to kill me and the toaster's been laughin' at me!
[a headless zombie enters the Simpson home, groaning. All the party-goers scream... then Ned Flanders's head pops out of the zombie's neck]
Ned Flanders: Hi, fellow Halloweenies! Did I scarededly-dare you?
Grampa: [gasping, clutching his heart] Ah... gol-durn it!
Bart: Nice try, Mr. Flanders, but I've got a story so scary, you'll wet your pants.
Grampa: Too late.
Marge: Y'know, you look a little flushed. Maybe you should eat more vegetables and less people.
King Homer: Uh-huh.
[while fighting zombies]
Barney: Wow, George Washington!
Homer: Take that, Washington!
Homer: Eat lead, Einstein!
Homer: Show's over, Shakespeare!
[clubs him to the ground]
Zombie Shakespeare: Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare?
Marge: Anybody know a ghost story?
Lisa: I do! It's a story of a boy and his doll.
Homer: That's not so scary.
Lisa: A doll, from Hell.
Homer: I'm gonna go to the store.
[Lisa laughs evilly]
Homer: Do you sell toys?
Shopkeeper: We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread... we also sell frozen yogurt, which I call "frogurt"!
Marge: Your doll is trying to kill my husband! Yes I'll hold.
Phone Recording: [to the song, Everybody Loves a Clown] Everybody loves a doll, so why don't you?
Marge: [to King Homer who is trying to climb the Empire State Building] you know you look a little flushed, maybe you should eat more vegetables and less people.
Bart Simpson: Hey Homer, where's your present?
Homer Simpson: D'ohh! I mean... D'ohhn't worry son, I forgot to get you a present. But I swear on my father's grave...
Homer: [comes down the stairs in a toga] Behold mighty Caesar!
[his toga catches on a nail ripping it off and leaving him in his underwear]
Homer: in all his glory!
[the kids laugh at him]
Grampa: [after Homer botches his story] Homer! I've coughed up scarier stuff than that!
Bart: Grampa, why don't you tell us a story? You've led an interesting life.
Grampa: THAT'S A LIE, AND YOU KNOW IT!
[scene fades to black and white]
Grampa: But I have seen a lot of movies...
["King Homer" title card]