Beach Bully: Huh, err, sir, you don't understand. I'm a professional beach bully. I pretend to steal your girl, you punch me, I go down, she swoons, you slip me 50 bucks.
Fry: 50 bucks? Not even if she was my girlfriend. You take her!
Leela: Fry! Although I suppose we *could* go for a walk along the beach.
Beach Bully: Uh, no thanks, ma'am, I'm actually gay.
[runs off, Leela sighs]
President McNeal: And now, the man who will lead us in our proud struggle for freedom. Fresh from his bloody triumph over the Pacifists of the Ghandi Nebula: 25 star general Zap Brannigan!
Bender: Hey look, Leela. It's that idiotic windbag you slept with.
Leela: The Earth is under attack, can't we just forget about that?
Bender: Evidently not.
[Aliens are attacking Earth]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Since this is an emergency, all robots will now have their patriotism circuits activated.
[He engages Bender's circuit]
Bender: It is every robot's duty to give his life for the good of humanity...
Bender: Aw, crap!
[Zapp Brannigan is briefing Fry, Leela, Bender and his crew on his plan to destroy an alien mothership]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes should fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Now, like all great plans, my strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it. On my command all ships will line up and file directly into the alien death cannons, clogging them with wreckage.
[Fry raises his hand]
Fry: W-Wouldn't it make more sense to send the robots in first a - ?
[Bender starts to choke him à la Homer Simpson to Bart in "The Simpsons". His antenna flashes again and he stops choking Fry and salutes]
Bender: Sir, I volunteer for a suicide mission.
[Bender's antenna stops flashing and he bangs his head with his knuckles]
Bender: Cut it out!
Captain Zapp Brannigan: You're a brave robot, son. But when I'm in command every mission's a suicide mission.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Most video tapes from that era were damaged in 2443, during the second coming of Jesus.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: [huge spaceship appears] What the hell is that thing?
Kif Kroker: It appears to be the mothership.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Then what did we just blow up?
Kif Kroker: [looks on map] The Hubble Telescope.
Lrrr: Surely you know McNeal. She is an unmarried human female struggling to succeed in a human male's world.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Maybe that's just her excuse for being incompetent.
Bender: I can't go into battle. I'm a conscientious objector.
Fry: A what?
Bender: You know, a coward.
Bender: Okay, everyone! Come and get it!
Fry: Just like my dad used to make, until McDonald's fired him.
Bender: Bite my red-hot glowing ass!
Bender: Wait a minute...
[looks at his backside]
Bender: Red-hot glowing ass? I'll be right back.
[runs into the water]
Bender: Ow-ow-ow! Ow-ow-ow! Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!
Bender: Ohhh yeahhh...
Dr. Zoidberg: I've had it with this game. I'm going for a scuttle.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Call me cocky, but if there's an alien out there I can't kill, I haven't met him and killed him yet.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Anyone without a ship should secure a weapon and fire wildly into the air!
Captain Zapp Brannigan: I don't care if you skin is red, or tan, or Chinese. You're all going to have to learn to die together.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Our mission is clear: destroy all alien lifeforms.
Kif Kroker: Umm, not me sir...
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Right. Nobody destroy Kif. Unless you have to.
Amy Wong: [after Amy applies a spray on Bikini top to her breasts] There, how do I look?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Like a cheap French harlot.
Amy Wong: [disappointed] *French*?
Broadcaster: Pizza delivery! Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh?
Broadcaster: Well, it's a Fox affiliate.
Fry: What are you showing right now?
Broadcaster: "Single Female Lawyer". It's the season finale. Wanna watch?
Fry: Ah, I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programs of the genre "World's Blankiest Blank".
Broadcaster: She *is* wearing the world's shortiest skirt.
Fry: I'm in!
[Fry, Leela, Bender, Zapp Brannigan and his crew are about to go into battle. Zapp walks over to where Leela is sitting and puts his foot on the seat next to her. She folds her arms and is clearly not impressed]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Leela, perhaps before we head into battle you'd like to make love to me, in case one of us doesn't come back.
Leela: Maybe we should wait 'til afterwards, in case neither of us comes back.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: [misunderstanding] Here's hoping.
[he salutes her in a very strange way, saluting from his head and blowing a kiss]
Bender: [singing] Single female lawyer / Fighting for her client / Wearing sexy mini-skirts / And being self-reliant. Hey, I'm pretty good.
Fry: Hey, quit it, Hermes. It's Labor Day.
Hermes Conrad: Labor Day? That phoney-baloney holiday crammed down our throats by fat-cat union gangsters?
Fry: That's the one.
Hermes Conrad: Hot damn! A day off!
Captain Zapp Brannigan: The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well-made bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep.
Fry: You mean while I'm sleeping on it?
Captain Zapp Brannigan: You won't have time for sleeping, soldier, not with all the bed making you'll be doing.
Fry: It's crazy. How could they even know about a show from 1,000 years ago?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, Omicron Persei Eight is about 1,000 light-years away... so the electromagnetic waves would just have gotten there. You see...
Fry: [interrupting the Professor] Magic... Got it.