- [playing Scrabble]
- Bart: Kwyjibo: K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points. Plus, triple-word score, plus fifty points for using all my letters... Game's over, I'm outta here.
- Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere 'til you tell me what a Kwyjibo is.
- Bart: Kwyjibo. Uh, a big dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.
- Marge: And a short temper.
- Homer: I'll show you a big dumb balding ape!
- Bart: Uh oh, Kwyjibo on the loose!
- [after Bart turned himself green in a science accident]
- Homer: Don't be discouraged, son. I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
- Edna Krabappel: These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success.
- [She looks at Bart]
- Edna Krabappel: If any.
- Ms. Mellon: Well don't you get it Bart? Derivative DY equals 3R squared, DR over three or R squared, DR or RDRR.
- [Ms. Melon does a jig dance]
- Ms. Mellon: Hardy-har-har. Get it?
- Lisa Simpson: Yeah mom, hurry up!
- Marge: Alright, hmm how about, he? Two points. Your turn dear.
- Homer: Hmmm, how could anyone make a word out of these lousy letters?
- [camera pans down to show the word oxidize]
- Homer: Oh wait, here's a good one, do.
- Lisa Simpson: [Lisa places an I on top of the D in do] Id triple word score!
- Homer: Hey, no abbreviations.
- Lisa Simpson: Not I.D. dad id! It's a word!
- Bart: As in this game is stupid.
- Homer: Hey, shut up boy.
- Lisa Simpson: Yeah Bart. You're supposed to be developing verbal abilities for your big aptitude test tomorrow.
- Marge: We could look this id thing up in the dictionary.
- Homer: We've got one?
- Marge: I think it's under the short leg of the couch.
- [Homer lifts up couch and gives the dictionary to Lisa]
- Lisa Simpson: Id, along with the ego and the superego one of three components of the psyche.
- Homer: Get out of here!
- Bart: My turn. Kwyjibo. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. 22 points, plus triple word score, plus 50 points for using all my letters! Game's over I'm outta here.
- Principal Seymour Skinner: You there, no chewing gum on school grounds! In the trash can with it.
- Martin Prince: Principal Skinner, one of my fellow children is vandalizing school property.
- Principal Seymour Skinner: Oh, where?
- Martin Prince: Over there sir. See!
- Milhouse van Houten: Look out Bart! Here comes Skinner!
- Bart: Yikes!
- Homer: Now go in boy, and pay attention, because if you do, some day you may achieve something that us Simpsons have dreamed about for generations: You may out-smart someone.
- Lisa Simpson: I don't care what that stupid test says, Bart. You're a Dimwit.
- Bart: Maybe so, but from now on this Dimwit is on easy street.
- Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Now, Bart, we want to emphasize that nobody's angry about this. We're... we're just concerned. When a young man with a 216 IQ can't make a simple experiment work, well, it doesn't take a Bart Simpson to figure out that something's wrong. Tell me, is the class moving too slowly for you?
- Bart: Lord, no.
- Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Well, then, what can we do to make you happy?
- Bart: I wanna go back to my old class.
- Bart: Oh, but, Bart, don't you remember the boredom, the ennui, the intellectual malaise?
- Bart: Yeah, well, you know, kinda, um, but I was thinking I could go undercover.
- Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Undercover? Bart, I'm intrigued. Go on.
- Bart: Well, I could pretend I'm a regular, dumb kid. You know, to study them and all the stuff they do with each other. You know, see what makes 'em tick.
- Dr. J. Loren Pryor: I see. Like Jane Goodall and the chimps.
- Bart: Yeah.
- Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Uh-huh. This is most impressive, Bart. You write up your proposal while I talk to Principal Skinner.
- Bart: Proposal?
- Dr. J. Loren Pryor: You know, outline your project, what you hope to achieve, what you'll require to do it.
- Bart: Gotcha, man.
- [taking a pencil and paper as Dr. Pryor leaves]
- Bart: "'My proposal' by Bart Simpson'. I want to pretend I am a regular, dumb kid. Period. By this, I hope..." Oh, no. "For this, I will..." Ohh... "Require..." Ohh... Oh, man.
- [starting over]
- Bart: "'My confession', by Bart Simpson.' I *am* a regular, dumb kid. Period. I cheated on my intelligence test. Period."
- Dr. J. Loren Pryor: [coming back some time later] Ah, finished already? Principal Skinner will be very interested to see...
- [giving the proposal a glance]
- Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Oh. You know, you misspelled "confession."
- Dr. J. Loren Pryor: When a child with Bart's intellect is forced to slow down to the pace of a normal person, he's probably going to lash out in ways like these.
- [he indicates Skinner's file of Bart's troublemaking]
- Principal Seymour Skinner: I think we should re-test him.
- Dr. J. Loren Pryor: No, no. I think we should move him to another school.
- Principal Seymour Skinner: Ooh. Better yet.
- Ms. Mellon: Bart, these are the students who will share your work area. This is Ethan Foley.
- Ethan Foley: O Memsahib, Bart. Rabbi has memo.
- Bart: What?
- Ms. Mellon: Ethan's very good with palindromes. You know, sentences spelled the same backwards and forwards. And this is Sidney Swift.
- Sidney Swift: Trabing norm doog.
- Bart: What's your problem?
- Ms. Mellon: Oh, don't mind Sidney. He's just speaking in backwards phonetics today. He said, "Good morning, Bart." And this is Cecile Shapiro.
- Cecile Shapiro: Hi, Bart.
- Bart: Cool hamsters. What are their names?
- Cecile Shapiro: Hamster Number One has been infected with a staphylococci virus. Hamster Number Two is the control hamster.
- Bart: Hi, little control hamster.
- Ms. Mellon: I wouldn't get too attached, Bart. We're dissecting him next week.
- Homer: Doc, this is all too much. I mean, my son a genius? How does it happen?
- Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Well, genius-level intelligence is usually the result of heredity and environment. Although, in some cases, it's a total mystery.
- Dr. J. Loren Pryor: This aptitude test we administered this morning has revealed that the young Bart here is what we call a "gifted child."
- Homer: A what?
- Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Your son is a genius, Mr. Simpson.
- Marge: Bart?
- Homer: This lunkhead?
- Principal Seymour Skinner: Impossible.
- Dr. J. Loren Pryor: No, no, we're quite certain. The child is not supposed to know his own IQ, of course, but, uh, you can see it's beyond the range of any doubt.
- Homer: 912!
- Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Uh, no. You have it upside down. It's 216.
- Principal Seymour Skinner: [learning one of his students is vandalizing school property] Whoever did this is in very deep trouble.
- Martin Prince: And a sloppy speller, too. The preferred spelling of "wiener" is W-I-E-N-E-R, although "e-i" is an acceptable ethnic variant.
- Ms. Mellon: I'm still trying to get you a lab partner, Bart. If we don't get any volunteers soon, I'll assign somebody. Say, what's that? It looks dangerous.
- Bart: Well, it's really pretty top-secret, ma'am.
- Ms. Mellon: All right, keep going. But you do know what happens when you mix acids and bases, right?
- Bart: 'Course I do.
- [as he mixes the two, a mini-explosion occurs and a green goo spatters the windows]
- Bart: [covered in it with the rest of the class] Sorry.
- Marge: Hello again, Principal Skinner.
- Homer: What have you done this time, boy?
- Principal Seymour Skinner: I caught your son defacing school property this morning. We estimate the damage at $75, and frankly, we think it's terribly unfair that other taxpayers should foot the bill.
- Homer: Yeah, it's a crummy system, but what are you gonna do?
- [Marge whispers in his ear]
- Homer: Oh, no. He can't mean that. My wife thinks you want me to pay for it.
- Principal Seymour Skinner: That was the idea.
- Homer: Oh.
- Principal Seymour Skinner: By itself, something like this might not call for an extreme penalty, but this is not an isolated incident.
- [opening a file cabinet with Bart's name on it]
- Principal Seymour Skinner: Bart's behavior is... unruly. He's frequently absent from school, then gives teachers pathetic excuse notes that are obviously childish forgeries compared to...
- [taking a check from Homer, he sees the handwriting is identical]
- Ms. Mellon: You must be Bart Simpson. I'm Ms. Mellon, your learning coordinator. Let me say right at the start that we have one rule here: make your own rules. If you feel sleepy, take a nap. If you get bored, feel free to take out a book and start reading.
- Bart: What should I read, ma'am?
- Ms. Mellon: Why, anything you want, Bart.
- Bart: [going through what's on the shelf, he takes out a Radioactive Man comic] Oh!
- Ms. Mellon: [taking it away] A comic book? How did this get mixed in here?
- [throwing it in the trash]
- Ms. Mellon: We used it last week as a prop in a film we made about illiteracy.
- Marge: Bart, I feel so bad for going so many years without... mmm, hmm... what's that word where you encourage something to grow?
- [Homer and Bart both groan I don't know]
- Lisa Simpson: Nurturing.
- Marge: Nurturing your brilliant brain, so I got tickets to the opera tonight. Hurry up. Get dressed. It starts at 8:00.
- Bart: Oh, Mom, not tonight.
- Homer: Come on, Bart, your mother's only trying to help, so go ahead and enjoy the show.
- Marge: Homer, you're going, too.
- Homer: But I'm not a genius. Why should I suffer?
- Bart: Dad, I gotta tell you something. Hope you won't be too mad.
- Homer: What is it, son?
- Bart: I'm not a genius, Dad.
- Homer: What?
- Bart: I cheated on the intelligence test. I'm sorry. But I just want to say that the past few weeks have been great. Me and you have done stuff together. You've helped me out with things, and we're closer than we've ever been. I love you, Dad. And I think if something can bring us that close, it can't possibly be bad.
- Homer: [angrily] Why, you little...!
- Bart: Uh-oh.
- Marge: [as she knits on the sofa, a naked Bart runs past, screaming] What's going on out there?
- Lisa Simpson: [Homer chases after him] I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.
- Principal Seymour Skinner: Mr and Mrs Simpson, this is our district psychiatrist, Dr. J. Loren Pryor.
- Homer: What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
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