Elliot: Oh really, becasuse you never went to assface school but you seem to be an expert at that
Dr. Cox: Your endocrinology fellowship lasted all of five days. Granted, to you five days may seem like an eternity as it's roughly five times as long as any of your pasty relationships have lasted. But trust me, that hardly makes you an expert.
Elliot: Oh really? Because you never went to assface school, but you seem to be an expert at that. Am I right?
J.D.: [didn't hear conversation, but high-fives Elliot] Here's some!
Dr. Cox: You're going to high five THAT? Bi-hig mistake.
J.D.: I didn't know what I was high-fiving. I gotta stop doing that.
Elliot: Did you eat my mango body butter?
J.D.: I smeared it on a bagel.
J.D.: Living with Elliot was certainly different. Every inch of her apartment was filled with girly stuff. There were lavender-scented candles, pink robes, bath salts... It was awesome!
The Janitor: Kelso's starting new line painting to help people get around. Green's gonna go to the smokers's lounge, blue is for the I.C.U., yellow to all the exits.
J.D.: What's red for?
The Janitor: Sneaker painting.
[he sprays J.D.'s white sneakers red]
J.D.: [to Keith] Why would you page me?
Dr. Cox: Because I told him to, and I know what you're thinking Dorothy, why would I have your intern call you in on one of your very precious days off for something so gosh darn trivial. But the real question ought to be: why when YOU were an intern did you call me in time, after time, after time, after time.
J.D.: A hospital can sometimes feel like a magical place, where people's hopes and dreams are often far from ordinary. Whether they're looking for brains, a heart, or courage. As for me, I was just gonna keep on following that yellow line and hope I'd eventually get back home.
Dr. Cox: So if I understand correctly, you left my only child with a creepy borderline psychotic who hates everyone?
Carla: How is that different from leaving him with you?
Dr. Cox: Trust me Carla, when you do have your own kid, you're gonna find you had the courage to be a parent all along.
Carla: Thank you.
Turk: Now how do I tell these people they should let their son go?
J.D.: Just try and imagine what they're going through. I mean, sometimes I think about what it's gonna be like when you die.
Turk: Because you think I'm going first due to my Diabetes.
J.D.: Right. And where do we meet up in heaven?
Turk: At the milkshake pool on the lesbian cloud!
J.D.: I'll see you there playa! I love religion. The point is Turk, if someone tried to pull the plug on you without being totally honest with me, you know where they'd end up?
Turk: In hell watching 'The View'!
J.D.: Next to the Super High Unreachable Cupcake Table.
Carla: Dr. Cox, why aren't you freaking out? Look at him, your kid's all green and slimy!
Dr. Cox: I suppose it's because, when Jordan was pregnant, I mentally prepared myself for her giving birth to something green and... slimy.
J.D.: [walks into hospital soaking wet] You're not aware of any sort of odd underground canal system beneath the hospital, are you? I think I saw a manatee.
The Janitor: Was his name Julian?
J.D.: We didn't exchange pleasantries.
The Janitor: That's Julian.
[hitting JD after speaking while in a body bag thinking he's a dead person]
J.D.: Doug, why are you hitting me?
Doug Murphy: Cause I thought you were a dead person coming back to life.
J.D.: Then why were you hitting me?
Doug Murphy: Dead people should be dead!
Dr. Bob Kelso: I was one of the most promising young shortstops ever to come out of Altoona Pennsylvania. Then came the Dominicans. Long story short . . .calling them all 'Pepe' was apparently just racist enough to get me a life-long ban from the Appalachian Rookie League.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Dr Reid, out hospital lecture series is tonight and our psychologist, Dr Burk, had to cancel his talk on fear of public speaking.
Elliot: Why, because he's afraid of speaking in public? Yeah...
Dr. Bob Kelso: No. His depression finally got the best of him and he hung himself... Anyhoo, we need a speaker and Dr Cox suggested you'd be the perfect person for an intensive Q & A on endocrinology. Be in the classroom at six.
Dr. Cox: And Barbie... say, if it's cold in there, you can just borrow my lab coat; it's super warm because I lined it with these... ta-daaa!
[opens his coat, pages of endocrinology text books attached on its intern]