Mike: Neil, aren't you going to introduce me to your new friend?
Right Bleeding Bastard: Bastard's the name. But you can call me Right Bleeding, all my friends do- or well, *did*.
Mike: Why, what happened?
Right Bleeding Bastard: I killed him.
Right Bleeding Bastard: Right, where's this telly. Ah-hah! So you do have it! You little runt! The old trick, eh? Eat the telly before I get a chance to nick you!
Vyvyan Basterd: It's a toaster.
Right Bleeding Bastard: It's a telly you yobbo. Give it back I want to Nick ya!
Rick: Absolutely pathetic! There's nothing on at all! Humph! Don't know why we bother to pay our license!
Mike TheCoolPerson: We don't.
Rick: But, haven't we got a license?
Mike TheCoolPerson: No.
Rick: But that makes me a criminal! Right on! Yeah, this will shake them up at the Anarchists Society! Occupying the refectories! So what? This is the real stuff! I'm a fugitive! A desperado! I'm going to form a new union society, right? With me a president! 'People Who Don't Pay Their TV Licenses Against the Nazis!' This is only the beginning!
Vyvyan Basterd: What are you going to do, Rick? Burn your bra?
Rick: Well, someone's got to do it, Vyvyan. It's very easy to sit on your backside, isn't it?
Vyvyan Basterd: Not if you haven't got a bottom!
Mike TheCoolPerson: Twenty-seven minutes and thirty-two seconds in the bathroom and Mike looks fantastic. Unlike the kitchen! Neil, what's this mess?
Neil Pye: Well, it's mostly lentils, but there's some crockery mixed in.
Rick: [dramatically reciting poetry into the mirror] Pollution! All around! Sometimes... up
[raises his eyes]
Rick: , sometimes... down
Rick: , but always... around
Rick: . Pollution, are you coming to my town? Or am I coming to yours! Hah! We're on different buses, Pollution. But we're both using petrol. BOMBS!
Right Bleeding Bastard: Where's your licence?
Mike: As the eunuch said to Mussolini, 'I haven't got one, and if I did, I wouldn't show it to you!'
Rick: Gotcha, Vyvyan! Using my ketchup on your corn flakes!
Vyvyan: Well I couldn't get any milk out of the fridge!
Rick: Why, what are you, a spazzy?
Vyvyan: No, there just happens to be an atom bomb in front of the door!
Neil: [after all the lentils spill out of the cupboard] We'll have to have corn flakes.
Vyvyan: Corn flakes for breakfast? That's disgusting, Neil!
Neil: [after kettle blows up] It's as if the kettle's killed itself rather than be used by me.
Vyvyan: [about the person at the door] It's probably someone unbelievably boring.
Neil: [Upon discovering who's at the door] Oh no! It's the TV detector man!
Rick: MIKE, YOU BASTARD! Why didn't you buy a license? I can't go to prison, I'm too pretty, I'll get raped!
Neil: If I had a penny for every time I had to answer the door, I'd have £5.63
Vyvyan: Good morning, Neil. Tea ready yet, is it?
Neil: Shh! The kettle's had a breakdown.
Vyvyan: Oh, no! That means we'll have to have raw tea again!
Rick: I notice you haven't written the call down in the book, Mike. That's very interesting, isn't it? I mean, we've got this book here to write down all the calls we make in. I suppose you forgot, did you? Well, I wonder how many other times you conveniently forgot?
Mike: Rick, what are you talking about? This is a pay phone.
Mike: Look, suicide might be a great hobby, but I wouldn't do it for a living.
Mike: Rick, a social conscience is like a garden shed: you try and eat it, it'll stick in your throat.