Rob: [Playing $25,000 Pyramid] Go!
Will Truman: Ok, ok. Uh...
[Reading the Card]
Will Truman: Oh, driftwood. Uh... John Wayne. Your parents' marriage.
Grace Adler: Things that are dead.
Will Truman: Yes. Uh... my one night stand on Fire Island.
Grace Adler: Latin things!
Will Truman: Good. Uh... The postcard I sent you from Italy. Uh, "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M
Grace Adler: Oh! Things that make you cry!
Will Truman: Yes. Um... Professor Gopnick's teeth...
Grace Adler: Things that are yellow!
Will Truman: Yes. And, uh... a cane. Uh, uh, a railing.
Grace Adler: Huh? No, come on, give me another clue!
Will Truman: Uh... each other.
Grace Adler: Things that you lean on!
Jack McFarland: Okay first of all, Will should only be so lucky okay, so let's just clear that right up. Second of all, you don't even know me that well, why would you just assume that I was gay?
[Will and the other laugh]
Jack McFarland: Are you finished? Okay FYI folks, most people that meet me do not know that I am gay.
Will Truman: Jack, blind and deaf people know you're gay. Dead people know you're gay!
Ellen: So, Will, have you seen Michael since you two broke up?
Will Truman: Uh...
Grace Adler: No, he hasn't, but I have. Michael's not doing well. He got fat, he's depressed, cheap haircuts, not good. Actually it's really sad.
Rob: What are you talking about? I just saw him. He looks great.
Grace Adler: Uh, Rob... you're dismissed.
Will Truman: Thanks for trying, sweetie.
Grace Adler: His haircut really was awful.
Jack: For your information, most people who meet me do not know that I am gay.
Will: Jack, blind and deaf people know you're gay. Dead people know you're gay.
Jack: Grace, when you first met me, did you know I was gay?
Grace: My dog knew.
Will Truman: Huh! Honey, I don't need your man. I got George Clooney.
Grace Adler: Sorry, babe. He doesn't bat for your team.
Will Truman: Well... He hasn't seen me pitch.
Will Truman: Another night alone with my clicker.
Grace Adler: Oh, is that what the kids are calling it?
Karen Walker: [Entering] I know. I'm late. My driver had another bronchial incident. It was disgusting. I had to raise the partition. But that's no excuse. I should be punished. I'm writing you a cheque.
Will Truman: [Over speakerphone] Karen, tell Grace she should fire you.
Karen Walker: Grace, tell Will to redirect his anger at his mother where it belongs.
Jack McFarland: Ah-ha ha ha. Look, Guapo, he made a funny. Shut up, Will! I just schlepped all the way over here from the East Side, and you know how much Guapo hates riding in taxis!
Will Truman: Ok. Ok. Take it easy, Jack. You sound just like your mother.
Jack McFarland: Crossing the line! Ok, you nasty, bitter, lonely, balding man. I don't need this crap from you, Will. You know what? I just don't need it...
Will Truman: What's in the hat box? Your tiara?
Jack McFarland: Look, Guapo, he made a funny! Shut up, Will!
Will Truman: Jack, now that you're moving in, can I make one small request? Change everything about your personality.
Will Truman: [the scene cuts between the two apartments; Will is watching TV and talking to Grace on the phone] What are you doing?
Grace Adler: Hanging out.
Will Truman: Come over.
Grace Adler: Will, I can't.
Will Truman: Come on, Grace. You know you want to.
Grace Adler: Of course I want to, but...
Will Truman: It's going to be a good one. I can feel it.
Grace Adler: It's always good. Still...
Will Truman: You're not going to come over, you want me to, uh... talk you through it?
Grace Adler: It's tempting, but I think I'll watch ER here.
Will Truman: Another night alone with my clicker.
Grace Adler: Oh, is that what the kids are calling it? So, I went back to the sale today.
Will Truman: Yeah. Did you get that black, flowy thing?
Grace Adler: No, you were right. It's too "Stevie Nicks: The Heavy Years."
Will Truman: Eriq La Salle just smiled.
Grace Adler: Really?
Will Truman: No. Did you buy anything?
Grace Adler: Yeah. I got a great camisole.
Will Truman: Yeah? Sexy?
Danny: [Walking By] I'm going to sleep.
Grace Adler: Ask me in the morning.
Will Truman: Was that Danny?
Grace Adler: Yeah. Jealous?
Will's Secretary - Ellen: [Over the Intercom]
Will's Secretary - Ellen: Will, it's Grace on line one.
Will Truman: Hey.
Grace Adler: Can I stay at your apartment again tonight?
Will Truman: Of course. As long as you want. What are you doing?
Grace Adler: I'm looking for tissues.
Will Truman: Have your assistant get them for you.
Grace Adler: She's late again.
Will Truman: [Scoffs] Oh! Fire her already.
Grace Adler: I'm not going to fire Karen. Her social contacts keep my business afloat.
Will Truman: Why does she even work? I mean, isn't she worth, like, a gazillion dollars?
Grace Adler: She feels working keeps her down to earth.
Will Truman: [Knock at Door] Oh, no.
Jack McFarland: Hi, honey, I'm home. Oh, are we entertaining?
[to Rob and Ellen]
Jack McFarland: Welcome!
Will Truman: Jack, I meant to call you, but I...
Jack McFarland: Don't even - !
Grace Adler: Wait, wait. I can stay at Rob and Ellen's tonight.
Jack McFarland: No, you can't, Grace, because, apparently, you matter. How about that?
Rob: [to Will] You didn't tell me Jack was moving in with you.
Will Truman: Not moving in. He's just staying with me till his apartment's finished.
Jurgen Franzblau: [Humming] Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm.
Jack McFarland: Oh, I know that one! I know - Uh,
Jack McFarland: Did he need a stronger hand...
Will Truman: Yeah. Jack. He's not humming your intro, ok? That's just a straight guy's way of thinking that you and I could ever be a couple.
Karen Walker: All right, honey, here you go. Guilt, be gone!
Grace Adler: Karen, I don't want a check. I want assistance. I'm the boss. I give you checks.
Karen Walker: Yes, you do, honey, and I love them. I do. You know, I keep them all right here in this box.
Harlin Polk: You're my lawyer. You tell me. What have I got to do to buy this company?
Will Truman: Well, first you've got to get something called a Hart-Scott-Rodino antitrust clearance and then we can negotiate standstills and lockups. Naturally, that's after we do due diligence.
Harlin Polk: What the hell is doo-doo diligence?
Will Truman: No, Harlin, after we do... due diligence.
Harlin Polk: Doesn't matter how slow you say it, Will. It's still doo-doo, isn't it? I just want to know what it means.
Will Truman: It's just crap that lawyers deal with. Harlin, I'll handle it. I've been representing your corporation for 5 years now, remember?
Harlin Polk: I know, but my wife's been bugging me about the business lately. She wants me to be a little more hands-on.
Will Truman: You sure she's talking about the business?
Harlin Polk: [Laughs] Yeah, she's talking about the business. But I trust you, Will, so you do that doodoo... That you do so well.
Karen Walker: No, Rosario. Por favor, honey, listen to me for a second, okay? Take Olivia and Mason to la store de los toys.
Will Truman: Where's Grace?
Karen Walker: Oh honey, thank God. How do you say toy store in Spanish?
Will Truman: Tienda de juguetes.
Karen Walker: Uh-huh, thanks. F-A-O-yeah-Schwartzo. Sí sí Rosario, gracias. Hola.
Will: [on phone] Karen tell Grace she should fire you
Karen: Grace please tell will that he should redirect his anger at his mother where it belongs
Karen Walker: I'm serious, Grace, pick up the pace.
Grace Adler: I'm serious, Karen, pick up the phone.
Jack McFarland: You always tell me what you think about the men that I date.
Will Truman: I'm talking about marriage, not Rudy the Jewish cowboy you met on the internet.
Jack McFarland: Shalom, my lonesom prairie dog.
Karen Walker: Will, stop right there, I can't tell you anything. It's a secret.
Will Truman: What's a secret?
Karen Walker: She's at City Hall getting married. Oh devil!
Karen Walker: Well, that was a little harsh.
Grace Adler: Good!
Karen Walker: Uh, yes, yes, it is! He's a bad person. Very bad.
Patron #1 - -Henry: Hey, hey, hey, come on, you two, how's about a kiss?
Crowd: Oh, yeah! Yeah!
Crowd: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
[Will kisses Grace]
Grace Adler: Nothing? Anything?
Will Truman: Sorry. Nothing. Hmm.
[Karen is on the phone with Rosario]
Karen: No, Rosario - por favor, honey, listen to me for a second, ok? Take Olivia and Mason to la store de los toys.
Will: [Will walks in] Where's Grace?
Karen: Oh, honey, thank God. How do you say "toy store" in Spanish?
Will: Tienda de jugetes.
Karen: F.A.O-yay. Schwartz-o. Si, si Rosario! Gracias! Hola!