[the President and the First Lady can finally have sex after a long time; they are in the Oval office]
Abbey Bartlet: BP 120 over 80.
President Josiah Bartlet: Who cares? It's been 14 weeks. Do these curtains close?
Abbey Bartlet: Not here, Jed.
President Josiah Bartlet: Yes. You're right... where?
Abbey Bartlet: How about our bedroom?
President Josiah Bartlet: New Hampshire is an hour and a half by plane. I don't have that kind of time.
Abbey Bartlet: How about our bedroom in the residence?
President Josiah Bartlet: Yes. We have a bedroom right here in the building. That was so smart.
Abbey Bartlet: Yes.
President Josiah Bartlet: Let's go.
Abbey Bartlet: Jed.
President Josiah Bartlet: What?
Abbey Bartlet: Korea? Plutonium?
President Josiah Bartlet: Oh God... I hate plutonium.
[the President is trying to tape the Saturday morning radio address, but can't get it right]
Engineer: Okay, let's cut.
President Josiah Bartlet: Sorry, everybody. This is gonna be it. Four is my lucky number.
Donna Moss: This is take five, sir.
President Josiah Bartlet: Five is my lucky number. "Fifth-take Bartlet" - that's what Jack Warner used to call me.
Donna Moss: Did you really know Jack Warner, Mr. President?
President Josiah Bartlet: Yeah, because I used to be a contract player in Hollywood and I'm 97 years old.
Sam Seaborn: [Having discovered in Ainsley Hayes' office a vase of dead flowers with the sign "bitch" attached to it, Sam realizes that White House staffers Brookline and Joyce are responsible, and soon bursts into their office. White House Chief Counsel Lionel Tribbey enters behind Sam, unnoticed]
Sam Seaborn: You know what, guys? When I write something, I sign my name. Here, I'll show you.
[grabs Joyce's desk blotter, dashing everything on it to the floor]
Steve Joyce: SAM!
Sam Seaborn: Do you have any idea how big a harassment suit you just exposed us to? She just... She works here. Which is more than I can say for either one of you.
[grabbing a pen, he quickly scrawls a message on the blotter as they watch. He holds it up for them to see]
Sam Seaborn: "You're fired. S. Seaborn."
[throws blotter down]
Mark Brookline: Sam, I don't know who you think you are around here, but you can't fire us.
Lionel Tribbey, White House Counsel: Ohhh... Yes. He can. Leave here, and don't ever come back. It's time for both of you to write your book now.
President Josiah Bartlet: You know what I did, just then, that was stupid? I minimized the importance of the statue that was dedicated to Nellie Bly, an extraordinary woman to whom we all owe a great deal.
Abbey Bartlet: You don't know who she is, do you?
President Josiah Bartlet: [to himself] This isn't happening to me.
Abbey Bartlet: She pioneered investigative journalism.
President Josiah Bartlet: Then she's the one I want to beat the crap out of.
Abbey Bartlet: She risked her life by having herself committed to a mental institution for ten days so she could write about it. She changed entirely the way we treat the mentally ill in this country.
President Josiah Bartlet: Yes. Abigail...
Abbey Bartlet: In 1890, she traveled around the world in 72 days, 6 hours, 11 minutes and 14 seconds, besting by more than one week, Jules Verne's 80 days.
President Josiah Bartlet: She sounds like an incredible woman, Abbey. I'm particularly impressed that she beat a fictional record. If she goes down 21,000 leagues under the sea, I'll name a damn school after her! Let's have sex.
Abbey Bartlet: When it comes to historical figures being memorialized in this country, women have been largely overlooked. Nellie Bly is just the tip of the iceberg.
President Josiah Bartlet: I couldn't possibly hear about the rest of the iceberg right now.
Abbey Bartlet: Elizabeth Blackwell was the first American woman to be awarded an MD. She founded the Women's Medical College...
President Josiah Bartlet: Keep talking. I'm just gonna sit here and think about plutonium and the things I can do with it.
Engineer: Saturday morning radio address, take 21.
Donna Moss: I have a really good feeling about this one, sir.
President Josiah Bartlet: Is this still my first term?
Lionel Tribbey, White House Counsel: [about Ainsley] Well, forgive me, sir, but when you have a few moments, I would like to discuss the hiring of blonde and leggy fascists whose knowledge does not include the proper order of the alphabet for positions of the White House Counsel's office.
President Josiah Bartlet: And we will, Lionel, but right now I don't know if you've noticed but there are thirty or forty other people in the room, many of whom have donated significant amounts of money to the Democratic Party, so perhaps you could get a tighter grip on your horses and we will talk about it later.
Lionel Tribbey, White House Counsel: Yes. Well. Good morning, everyone! Thank you, Mr. President.
President Josiah Bartlet: Well, obviously, Lionel Tribbey is a brilliant lawyer whom we cannot live without, or there would be very little reason not to put him in prison.
C.J. Cregg: [Talking about Ainsley Hayes] I'm going to tell you something, Toby. I don't think it's that she's a Republican, I think it's that she's a Republican woman and she's good-looking.
Toby Ziegler: Well, those are three things, when in combination, usually spell 'careerism'.
President Josiah Bartlet: [to the Secret Service agents] Guys, it's very important that nobody tries to kill me in the next hour or so.
Leo McGarry: Sam Seaborn had this innocent relationship with a girl - bam. Here comes the enemy. I'm a recovering alcoholic. Bam. Radio, TV, magazines, cameras in front of my house, people shouting at my daughter at the ballgame, editorials, op-eds. "He's a drunk. He's dangerous. He should resign."
Ainsley Hayes: I wrote one of those op-ed pieces.
Leo McGarry: I know.
Ainsley Hayes: Mr. Tribbey? I'd like to do well on this, my first assignment. Any advice you could give me that might point me the way of success would be, by me, appreciated.
Lionel Tribbey: Well, not speaking in iambic pentameter might be a step in the right direction.
[Ainsley Hayes is about to meet her new boss, White House counsel Lionel Tribbey]
Leo McGarry: You're going to meet him right now. It's going to be fine...
Ainsley Hayes: It's not going to be fine. He's gonna yell, and scream, I've seen him on TV...
Leo McGarry: Well, that's TV. He's making a full-throated defense of the President. That's what we do. Believe me, in real life, when the cameras are off...
[Lionel Tribbey storms into the office, smacking a cricket bat against the walls with great fury]
Lionel Tribbey: [screaming] Leo! I will kill people today, Leo. I will kill people with this cricket bat, which was given to me by Her Royal Majesty Elizabeth Windsor, and then I will kill them again with my own hands.
Charlie Young: Mr. President...
President Josiah Bartlet: Take a break, Charlie.
Charlie Young: She's not there, sir.
President Josiah Bartlet: I'm going to a special meeting...
Charlie Young: ...of the government, yes sir. She had to go to Pennsylvania early. Would you like to come back inside and take another swing at the radio address?
President Josiah Bartlet: Sure. Would you like to get that smile off your face before I send you on special assignment to the Yukon?
Ainsley Hayes: So you lied to me just then.
Leo McGarry: I'm a politician, Ainsley. Of course I lied to you just then.
Ainsley Hayes: My first day is getting off to a great start.
Leo McGarry: It's written down here. This is the steam pipe trunk distribution venue.
Ainsley Hayes: I'm working in the steam pipe trunk distribution venue?
Leo McGarry: No, you're working in your office.
Ainsley Hayes: Well... Thank you for the help.
Leo McGarry: Ainsley, don't worry about Sam or Josh and Toby or C.J. or the Democrats on the hill or Republicans on TV. You're here to serve the President. Anyway... welcome to the White House.
Ainsley Hayes: The President's way too moderate for your taste.
Lionel Tribbey, White House Counsel: Excuse me?
Ainsley Hayes: On affirmative action, capital gains, public schools, free trade... You left a lucrative practice in Chicago and a seven-figure income.
Ainsley Hayes: It wasn't out of duty?
Abbey Bartlet: Just give him a message for me, would you?
Charlie Young: Sure.
Abbey Bartlet: You'll want to write this down.
Charlie Young: Yes, ma'am.
Abbey Bartlet: Your blood pressure is 120/80.
Charlie Young: How did you know that, ma'am?
Abbey Bartlet: I'm saying his blood pressure.
Charlie Young: Ah... is 120/80.
Abbey Bartlet: Yeah. Your EKG shows a good sinus rhythm.
Charlie Young: Okay.
Abbey Bartlet: No evidence of ischemic changes.
Charlie Young: How are we spelling...?
Abbey Bartlet: Doesn't matter. Your electrolytes and metabolic panels are within normal limits. Chest x-ray is clear, and prostate screens are fine.
Charlie Young: Okay.
Abbey Bartlet: So, we can have sex now.
Lionel Tribbey: Who is this?
Leo McGarry: This is Ainsley Hayes. She's scared of meeting you, so be nice.
Lionel Tribbey: Ah, the girl who's been writing the columns.
Leo McGarry: Yeah.
Lionel Tribbey: [to Ainsley] You're an idiot.
Ainsley Hayes: Leo...
Leo McGarry: She's not an idiot, Lionel. She clerked for Dreifort.
Lionel Tribbey: Well, Dreifort's an idiot.
Leo McGarry: Dreifort's a Supreme Court Justice, Lionel, so let's speak of him with respect and practice some tolerance for those who disagree with us.
Lionel Tribbey: I believe, as long as Justice Dreifort is intolerant toward gays, lesbians, blacks, unions, women, poor people, and the first, fourth, fifth, and ninth amendments, I will remain intolerant toward him.
[grins at Ainsley]
Lionel Tribbey: Nice to meet you.
General Ed Barrie: How about we discuss new defense spending being down to three hundred billion from four hundred billion ten years ago. Is that personal?
C.J. Cregg: No, sir, I think that's about the cold war ending ten years ago and America not needing to spend quite so much money defending itself against a country that can't bake bread.
Ainsley Hayes: You're sending me to the Majority Counsel 'cause I speak Republican.
Sam Seaborn: See, I was told you were just going to be working in the Majority Counsel's office, which I wasn't wild about to begin with, but it's my understanding I'd be talking to Brookline and Joyce, seeing as how they work for me.
Ainsley Hayes: I was taking initiative.
Sam Seaborn: Well, wasn't that spunky of you.
Ainsley Hayes: Sam, do you think there's any chance that you could be rude to me tomorrow? Tomorrow is Saturday. I will be here. You can call me and be rude by phone or you can stop by and do it in person. 'Cause I think if I have to endure another disappointment today from this place that I have worshipped, I am gonna lose it. So if you could wait until tomorrow, I would appreciate it.
Donna Moss: I'm doing the radio today.
Sam Seaborn: What's it about?
Donna Moss: You don't know what it's about?
Sam Seaborn: No.
Donna Moss: You're a speechwriter.
Sam Seaborn: I'm the Deputy Communications Director. I don't do the radio address.
Donna Moss: I think this one's about leaves turning.
Sam Seaborn: Wouldn't be surprised.
Donna Moss: Will he take it seriously?
Sam Seaborn: The President?
Donna Moss: Yeah.
Sam Seaborn: Why wouldn't he take it seriously?
Donna Moss: You don't take it seriously.
Sam Seaborn: I'm not the one who has to read it.
President Josiah Bartlet: Take your clothes off.
Abbey Bartlet: Whatever happened to romance? A couple of cocktails, Mel Torme...
President Josiah Bartlet: Get 'em off.
Abbey Bartlet: Okay, I'm going to the bathroom.
Ainsley Hayes: [disbelieving] Lionel Tribbey thinks hiring me was a great idea.
Leo McGarry: Why are you surprised?
Ainsley Hayes: Well, because I'm a Republican, and Lionel Tribbey is... incredibly not.
Leo McGarry: I'll be honest with you. I didn't even know we had offices down here.
Ainsley Hayes: That bodes well for me.
Leo McGarry: I wonder what else we got down here.
Ainsley Hayes: Bats, probably?