Les Nessman: I'm here with hundreds of people who have gathered to witness what has been described as perhaps the greatest turkey event in Thanksgiving Day history. All we know for sure is that in a very few moments there are going to be a lot of happy people out here. Now the crowd is...
[passers-by gawk at Les]
Les Nessman: The... the crowd is uh... curious but well behaved. And I think I hear something now. Uh... The crowd is moving out into the parking area. And... oh yes! I can see it now. It's a... it's a... helicopter and it's coming this way!
Andy Travis: A helicopter?
Les Nessman: It's flying something behind it and I can't quite make it out. It's a large banner and it says H a p p y... T h a n k s... giving... from W... K... R... P! What a sight, ladies and gentlemen. What a sight. The 'copter seems to circling the parking area now. I guess it's looking for a place to land. No! Something just came out of the back of a helicopter. It's a dark object, perhaps a skydiver plummeting to the earth from only two thousand feet in the air... There's a third... No parachutes yet... Those can't be skydivers. I can't tell just yet what they are but... Oh my God! They're turkeys! Oh no! Johnny can you get this? Oh, they're crashing to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! This is terrible! Everyone's running around pushing each other. Oh my goodness! Oh, the humanity! People are running about. The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Folks, I don't know how much longer... The crowd is running for their lives. I think I'm going to step inside. I can't stand here and watch this anymore. No, I can't go in there. Children are searching for their mothers and oh, not since the Hindenburg tragedy has there been anything like this. I don't know how much longer I can hold my position here, Johnny. The crowd...
Dr. Johnny Fever: Les? Les? Les, are you there? Les isn't there. Thanks for that on-the-spot report, Les. For those of you who've just tuned in, the Pinedale Shopping Mall has just been bombed with live turkeys. Film at eleven.
[Les walks in, looking dazed]
Venus Flytrap: Les! Are you okay?
Les Nessman: I don't know. A man and his two children tried to kill me. After the turkeys hit the pavement, the crowd kind of scattered but, some of them tried to attack me! I tried to jam myself into a phone booth. Then Mr. Carlson had the helicopter land in the middle of the parking lot. I guess he thought he could save the day by turning the rest of the turkeys loose. It gets pretty strange after that.
Venus Flytrap: [to Andy] "Now" it gets strange.
Andy Travis: Yeah, right. Now, Les, c'mon now, tell us the rest.
Les Nessman: [dazed] I really don't know how to describe it. It was like the turkeys mounted a counter-attack. It was almost as if they were... organized!
Arthur Carlson: [Mr. Carlson and Herb come out of his Mr. Carlson's office] As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!
Venus Flytrap: What do you suppose he's up to?
Dr. Johnny Fever: Carlson? I don't know. You should have been here for the big wig promotion.
Venus Flytrap: What happened?
Dr. Johnny Fever: Well, naturally, it didn't work, and we ended up with a warehouse full of wigs. Carlson, he couldn't figure out how to get rid of 'em until the Guatemalan earthquake.
Venus Flytrap: Say what?
Dr. Johnny Fever: Well, the Red Cross called out, you know, for blankets, clothes, anything. So Carlson, out of the goodness of his heart, shipped these destitute earthquake victims in Guatemala three thousand blonde stretch wigs. You know, I still have this picture in my mind of quake victims stumbling through the rubble - all looking like Dolly Parton.
Dr. Johnny Fever: [Mr. Carlson is inspecting Johnny in the DJ booth while Pink Floyd's "Dogs" is playing, specifically the section with the barking dogs] Gripping music, ain't it?
Arthur Carlson: Yeah, it's good. What is the name of this orchestra?
Dr. Johnny Fever: It's Pink Floyd.
Arthur Carlson: Oh. Is that Pink Floyd? Do I hear dogs barking on that thing?
Dr. Johnny Fever: I do.
Arthur Carlson: They're good, aren't they?
[Picks up the Animals album jacket]
Arthur Carlson: There's something on here that's called "Pigs On The Wing". What does that sound like?
Dr. Johnny Fever: I don't do requests.
Arthur Carlson: Well, keep up the good work.
Dr. Johnny Fever: I'm giving it all I've got.
Jennifer Marlowe: You want me, Mr. Carlson?
Arthur Carlson: Oh, yeah. Come in, Jennifer. Have a seat.
Jennifer Marlowe: No, thank you.
Arthur Carlson: Well all right. At this particular point in time, I would like to dictate a press release.
Jennifer Marlowe: I don't take dictation.
Arthur Carlson: What? Alright, I guess I can do this thing myself. It's probably going to be a long meeting though; so why don't you get coffee for all the guys here?
Jennifer Marlowe: I don't get coffee, Mr. Carlson. We agreed.
Arthur Carlson: Oh, yeah.
Jennifer Marlowe: You have to draw the line somewhere.
Arthur Carlson: You got that right.
Jennifer Marlowe: Will there be anything else I can do?
Arthur Carlson: No. I think that about does it.
Jennifer Marlowe: Thank you.
Arthur Carlson: Oh, no. Thank you.
Les Nessman: How does she get away with that?
Herb Tarlek: Are you kidding?
Jennifer Marlowe: Well, Mr. Kalli, a lot of turkeys don't make it through Thanksgiving.
Venus Flytrap: [about Mr. Carlson] This man must be stopped before he promotes again.
Arthur Carlson: How about you? What are you doing?
Bailey Quarters: Uh... uh, I'm working on a promotion idea.
Arthur Carlson: Yeah? Oh, well, I could be of some assistance.
Bailey Quarters: Probably nothing you'd be interested in.
Arthur Carlson: Young lady, I've done thousands of promotions in my day. Now what's the problem?
Bailey Quarters: Well, uh, we... don't know whether to give away Boston T-shirts or Foreigner T-shirts.
Arthur Carlson: Boston. Foreign stuff shrinks.
Bailey Quarters: [uncertainly] Yes, sir!
Arthur Carlson: Anything else?
Bailey Quarters: No, that's... that's about it.