Jack Malloy: What I can't understand is how some kid of mine could have got involved in something like this. I mean, where did I go wrong?
Mr. Floppy: If it's anyone's fault, it's Jennie's. She's the one who got pregnant. I mean, you were probably just doing what you were told.
Jack Malloy: Well, that's right!
Mr. Floppy: Besides, if Ryan overcomes it, it can be the best thing that ever happened to him. There's nothing more popular than going into rehab. In Hollywood, as soon as your career slumps, you take drugs, clean up, go on Barbara Walters, and shed a tear over your brave struggle.
[mimicking tearfully:]
Mr. Floppy: Barbara, I know I did wrong. I only hope my fans can forgive me and come to my next movie...
[inserts fake crying]
Mr. Floppy: Opening soon at a theater near you.
[normal voice:]
Mr. Floppy: If you wanna boost your image, there's nothing better than that "pity me" cover of People magazine. Add a story of how you fought valiantly back from the pills you voluntarily took
[with derision:]
Mr. Floppy: because you were a big success.
Jack Malloy: A star that you really gotta feel sorry for is that Michael Douglas. I mean, the guy is addicted to sex.
Mr. Floppy: What a monkey on your back!
[to the camera:]
Mr. Floppy: Let me expose this myth. All guys want sex. It's not a disease, it's the stupidest excuse ever invented for cheating on your wife! Funny how the *disease* only occurs when you're around hot chicks under twenty-five. If you can't control yourself around fat ex-prostitutes over forty,
[nods emphatically]
Mr. Floppy: *then you've got a disease!*
Jack Malloy: Or one is on the way.
Mr. Floppy: Let's face it. This country is addicted to addiction. You know, you marry your high school sweetheart, stay faithful, be the designated driver, no one cares! But go to jail for cocaine abuse, and they elect you Mayor of DC!
Jack Malloy: Well, the Republicans have four years to find a good charismatic crackhead!