Commander William T. Riker: [reading from the diary entry of Colonel Richey] "I write this in the hope that it will someday be read by human eyes. I can only surmise at this point, but apparently, our exploratory shuttle was contaminated by an alien life form, which infected and killed all personnel except myself. I awakened to find myself here in the Royale Hotel, precisely as described in the novel I found in my room. And for the last 38 years, I have survived here. I have come to understand that the alien contaminators created this place for me out of some sense of guilt, presuming that the novel we had on board the shuttle about the Hotel Royale was, in fact, a guide to our preferred lifestyle and social habits. Obviously they thought that this was the world from which I came. I hold no malice toward my benefactors. They could not possibly know the hell that they have put me through. For it was such a badly-written book, filled with endless cliché and shallow characters... I shall welcome death when it comes."
Lieutenant Worf: What is this place? How did a being like you get here?
Asst. Manager: Why, this is the Royale, of course. And my personal life is really none of your business, thank you.
Commander William T. Riker: What he means is, what planet is this?
Asst. Manager: I beg your pardon?
Commander William T. Riker: This planet, what do you call it?
Asst. Manager: Earth. What do you call it?
Lieutenant Worf: We call it Theta VIII.
Asst. Manager: How charming.
Lieutenant Worf: Seems to be malfunctioning.
[about the 'turbolift' in the Royale, when its doors don't open automatically]
Lt. Commander Data: [examining skeletal remains in hotel bed] Definitely human. Male.
Commander William T. Riker: Looks like the poor devil died in his sleep.
Lieutenant Worf: What a terrible way to die.
[Picard and Riker are discussing Fermat's Theorem]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: I find it stimulating. Also, it puts things in perspective. In our arrogance, we feel we are so advanced. And yet, we cannot unravel a simple knot tied by a part-time French mathematician, working alone without a computer.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: [reading "Hotel Royale" in his ready room] "It was a dark and stormy night..."
[pauses and sighs]
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: That's not a promising beginning.
Counselor Deanna Troi: It may get better.
Lt. Commander Data: [right before beginning his winning streak at the craps table] Baby needs a new pair of shoes.
Lt. Commander Data: [about the people in the Royale] They do exist. But they do not register as either man or machine.
[Texas is stepping out of a lift]
Lt. Commander Data: Take this creature, for example. He does not exhibit any DNA structure.
Texas: Excuse me, son? Look who's talking. Man, you sound just like my ex-wife!
Lt. Commander Data: [about a game of dice] There is a certain degree of random fortune involved. I believe that is why they call it 'gambling'.
Commander William T. Riker: When the train comes in, everybody rides.
Texas: Yeah. And I'm gettin' off at this station.
Commander William T. Riker: None of it makes any sense.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Like Fermat's Theorem, it's a puzzle we may never solve.
Counselor Deanna Troi: [listening to Mickey D. and the bellboy] I don't believe this dialogue. Did humans really talk like that?
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Not in real life. Remember, everything that's going on down there is taken from what Colonel Richey calls "a second-rate novel".
Lieutenant Worf: [pauses, then picks up the phone] Yes?
[turns to Riker and Data]
Lieutenant Worf: There's a female voice asking if we want room service.
Lt. Commander Data: I believe she's asking if we want the room cleaned.
Commander William T. Riker: Tell her no.
Lieutenant Worf: [turns to phone] No.
[pauses, then hangs up slowly]
Commander William T. Riker: What did she say?
Lieutenant Worf: She said the kitchen will be open 24 hours a day if we change our minds.
Commander William T. Riker: That's how we're getting out - we're *buying* this place.