Lieutenant Worf: Human bonding rituals often involve a great deal of talking and dancing and crying.
Commander William T. Riker: Charming woman!
Lt. Commander Data: [voice-over] The tone of Commander Riker's voice makes me suspect that he is not serious about finding Ambassador T'Pel charming. My experience suggests that in fact he may mean the exact opposite of what he says. Irony is a form of expression I have not yet been able to master.
Lt. Commander Data: [voice-over] Commander Riker's easy-going manner and sense of humor is fascinating to me. I believe it to be one reason he is so popular among the crew. It may also be partly responsible for his success in matters of love. There may be a correlation between humor and sex. The need for more research is clearly indicated.
Lt. Commander Data: [voice-over] My friend Chief O'Brien often says that above all else, he wants to make Keiko happy. Since cancelling the wedding will make her happy, I must conclude the Chief will be pleased at her decision.
Lt. Commander Data: I have good news.
Chief Miles O'Brien: Oh?
Lt. Commander Data: Keiko has made a decision designed to increase her happiness: she has cancelled the wedding.
Chief Miles O'Brien: She what? Cancelled the wedding? Today? Without even a word? Of all the childish, selfish, irresponsible things to do...!
[storms out, very upset]
Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge: Next time, maybe *I* should deliver the good news.
Lt. Commander Data: [voice-over] Commander Maddox. It would appear that my program designed to predict emotional responses needs... adjustment.
Lt. Commander Data: [voice-over] The safest and most logical decision in this situation is to contact Starfleet and await further instructions. However, based on past experience, I project only a seventeen percent chance Captain Picard will choose that alternative.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Red alert! All hands stand to battle stations!
Lt. Commander Data: [describing a wild goose chase] I could be chasing an untamed ornithoid without cause.
Counselor Deanna Troi: There are many ways to help a friend, and sometimes the best way is to leave them alone.
Commander William T. Riker: Some days you get the bear and some days the bear gets you.
[Ambassador T'Pel has tried to get restricted information from Data about the Enterprise, pretending that she was only testing his security safeguards]
Lt. Commander Data: [voice-over] I have often wished for the sense that humans call intuition, or instinct. Since Vulcans are incapable of lying, I must accept the Ambassador's explanation as the truth. But I would still prefer a... 'gut feeling' to back up this conclusion.
Lt. Commander Data: [voice-over] There are still many human emotions I do not fully comprehend - anger, hatred, revenge. But I am not mystified by the desire to be loved - or the need for friendship. These are things I do understand.
Lt. Commander Data: [voice-over] Friendly insults and jibes - another form of human speech that I am attempting to master. In this case, with the help of Commander Geordi La Forge.
[he walks into the barbershop where La Forge is having his hair trimmed]
Lt. Commander Data: [voice-over] I consider Geordi to be my best friend.
Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge: Here for a trim?
Lt. Commander Data: My hair does not require trimming, you lunkhead.
Lt. Commander Data: My hair does not require trimming...
Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge: "Lunkhead"?
Lt. Commander Data: I am experimenting with friendly jibes and insults. It was not meant as a serious disparagement.
Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge: [chuckles] Well - just don't try it on the Captain.
Lt. Commander Data: [voice-over] The risks aboard a starship are accepted by all who serve. But I have never failed to observe a deep emotional response to the loss of a comrade. It is at times like this that I greatly miss the ability to share human feelings.
Lt. Commander Data: If being human is not simply a matter of being born flesh and blood, if it is instead a way of thinking, acting and... feeling, then I am hopeful that one day I will discover my own humanity. -... - Until then, Commander Maddox, I will continue learning, changing, growing, and trying to become more than what I am.
[from Riker's joke as told by him to the officers on the bridge, and enhanced with the scripted version]
Commander William T. Riker: ...He still won't talk. So they put the count's head on the chopping block. "One more chance", says the queen. "No", says the count. Then, just as the headsman swings the axe and the blade is about to fall, the count says, "Wait, wait! I'll talk!" But too late. And the moral to the story? Never hatchet your counts before they chicken.
Lt. Commander Data: [voice-over] This is the 1,550th day since the Enterprise was commissioned. Besides the arrival of Ambassador T'Pel, other events occurring today include four birthdays, two personnel transfers, a celebration of the Hindu Festival of Lights, two chess tournaments, one secondary school play, and four promotions. Overall, an ordinary day.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Since the days of the first wooden sailing ships, all captains have enjoyed the happy privilege of joining together two people in the bonds of matrimony. And so it is my honor to unite you, Keiko Ishikawa, and you, Miles Edward O'Brien, together in matrimony...
[Data and Worf are looking at potential wedding gifts. Worf chooses a crystalline duck]
Lt. Commander Data: It is my understanding that the item selected should reflect the personality of whoever is giving it. This does not remind me of you.
[Picard has ordered to set a course for the Neutral Zone]
Lt. Commander Data: [voice-over] It is fortunate that I am able to perform my duties without emotional distractions. If that were not the case, a sudden course correction toward the Neutral Zone would make me very... nervous.
Lt. Commander Data: [voice-over] In the game of poker, there is a moment when a player must decide if an opponent is being deceptive, or actually holds a winning hand. This decision is based not only on the odds, but also on an appraisal of the man. Is he bluffing, or does he have the cards?
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: To die... on a transporter. Hardly a fitting end for one of the Federation's most honored diplomats.
Lt. Commander Data: Second Officer's personal log, stardate 44390.1 - Record entry for transmission to Commander Bruce Maddox, Cybernetics Division, Daystrom Institute. Dear Commander Maddox. In reference to your most recent letter, I agree that your study lacks sufficient primary source information on my programming and operation. Therefore, in response to your request, this correspondence will include a complete record of my activities during a normal day, with particular emphasis on my perceptions of friendship.