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I, Mudd

Quotes

I, Mudd

Star Trek

Edit
  • Captain Kirk: Well, opinions?
  • Chekov: I think we're in a lot of trouble.
  • Captain Kirk: That's a great help, Mr. Chekov. Bones?
  • McCoy: I think Chekov's right, we are in a lot of trouble.
  • Captain Kirk: Spock, and if you say we're in a lot of trouble...
  • Spock: We are.
  • [trying to confuse an android]
  • Spock: Logic is a little tweeting bird chirping in a meadow. Logic is a wreath of pretty flowers which smell *bad*. Are you sure your circuits are registering correctly? Your ears are green.
  • Harcourt Fenton Mudd: [explaining his latest trouble] I, uh... sold the Denebians all the rights to a Vulcan fuel synthesizer.
  • Capt. Kirk: And the Denebians contacted the Vulcans.
  • Harcourt Fenton Mudd: How'd you know?
  • Capt. Kirk: That's what I would have done.
  • Harcourt Fenton Mudd: Oh. It's a typical police mentality. They've got no sense of humour; they arrested me!
  • McCoy: Oh, I find that shocking.
  • Harcourt Fenton Mudd: Worse than that! Do you know what the penalty for fraud is on Deneb 5?
  • Spock: Guilty party has his choice. Death by electrocution, death by gas, death by phaser, death by hanging...
  • Harcourt Fenton Mudd: The key word in your entire peroration, Mr. Spock, was... d-d-d-DEATH. Barbarians! Well, of course I... left.
  • Capt. Kirk: [to the others] He broke jail.
  • Harcourt Fenton Mudd: I, ah, borrowed transportation...
  • Capt. Kirk: He stole a spaceship.
  • Harcourt Fenton Mudd: ...the patrol reacted in a hostile manner...
  • Capt. Kirk: They fired at him!
  • Harcourt Fenton Mudd: They've got no respect for private property - they damaged the bloody spaceship! Well, I... I got away, but I couldn't navigate, so I wandered out through unmapped space. And here I found... Mudd!
  • McCoy: [talking about Norman] There's something wrong about a man who never smiles, and whose conversation never varies from the routine of the job, and who won't talk about his background.
  • Spock: I see.
  • McCoy: Spock... I mean, that it's, uh... it's odd for a non-Vulcan. Um... the ears make all the difference.
  • Harcourt Fenton Mudd: Now listen, Spock, you may be a wonderful science officer but, believe me, you couldn't sell fake patents to your mother!
  • Spock: I fail to understand why I should care to induce my mother to purchase falsified patents.
  • McCoy: Well, you must be very unhappy, Mr. Spock.
  • Spock: That is a human emotion, Doctor, with which I am totally unfamiliar. How could I be "unhappy?"
  • McCoy: Well, we found a whole world of minds that work just like yours - logical, unemotional, completely pragmatic - and we poor, irrational humans whipped them in a fair fight. Now you'll find yourself back among us illogical humans again.
  • Spock: Which I find eminently satisfactory, Doctor, for *nowhere* am I so *desperately* needed as among a shipload of illogical humans.
  • Alice #1 through 250: You desire something else, lord?
  • Chekov: What a shame you're not real.
  • Alice #251 through 500: We are real, my lord.
  • Chekov: Oh, I mean 'real girls'.
  • Alice #1 through 250: We are programmed to function as human females, lord.
  • Chekov: You are?
  • Alice #1 through 250, Alice #251 through 500: [In unison] Yes, my lord.
  • Chekov: Harry Mudd programmed you?
  • Alice #1 through 250, Alice #251 through 500: [in unison] Yes, my lord.
  • Chekov: That unprincipled, evil-minded, lecherous, kulak, Harry Mudd programmed you?
  • Alice #1 through 250, Alice #251 through 500: [In unison] Yes, my lord.
  • Chekov: This place is even better than Leningrad.
  • McCoy: [mechanically] You offer us only well-being.
  • Scott: [mechanically] Food and drink and happiness mean nothing to us.
  • McCoy: We must be about our job.
  • Scott: Suffering in torment and pain, laboring without end.
  • McCoy: Dying and crying and lamenting over our burdens.
  • McCoy, Scott: [together] Only this way can we... be... happy.
  • [They curtsey sweetly]
  • Harcourt Fenton Mudd: [Surrounded by several Stella androids, each complaining to Harry] You can't do this to me, Kirk. It's inhuman!
  • Spock: You went to substantial risk and effort to bring a starship here. Logically, you must have a compelling motive.
  • Harcourt Fenton Mudd: [Smile fades] Spock, you're going to love it here. They all talk just the way you do.
  • Norman: If you do not come with me, your engines will be destroyed and you will remain in orbit here, forever.
  • Capt. Kirk: I must say that's a gracious invitation.
  • Norman: There is a word. Among us there is no corresponding meaning, but it seems to mean something to you humans.
  • Capt. Kirk: And what is that word?
  • Norman: Please.
  • Alice #251 through 500: Do you require something, lord?
  • Capt. Kirk: No. Yes! My ship.
  • Alice #251 through 500: I am not programmed...
  • Alice #251 through 500, Capt. Kirk: [together] ... to respond in that area.
  • Capt. Kirk: Yes, I know.
  • Alice #251 through 500: Is there anything *any* of you require to please you?
  • Capt. Kirk: Alice, give us back our ship to please us. Return us to our ship because we desire it.
  • Alice #251 through 500: We are programmed to serve. We shall serve you to your best interests to make you happy.
  • Capt. Kirk: But we're unhappy here.
  • Alice #251 through 500: Please explain "unhappy."
  • Spock: Unhappiness is the state which occurs in the human when wants and desires are not fulfilled.
  • Alice #251 through 500: Which wants and desires of yours are not fulfilled?
  • Capt. Kirk: We want the Enterprise.
  • Alice #251 through 500: [her badge number starts to flash] The Enterprise is not a want or a desire. It is a mechanical device.
  • Capt. Kirk: No, it's a beautiful lady and we love her!
  • Alice #251 through 500: [badge light remains on] Illogical, illogical. All units relate. All units. Norman, coordinate.
  • Chekov: You know this man, Captain?
  • Captain Kirk: Oh, do I know him? Harcourt Fenton Mudd. Thief.
  • Harcourt Fenton Mudd: Oh, come now.
  • Captain Kirk: Swindler and con man.
  • Harcourt Fenton Mudd: Entrepreneur.
  • Captain Kirk: Liar and rogue.
  • Harcourt Fenton Mudd: Did I leave you with that impression?
  • Alice #1 through 250: We have a very extensive library section for your amusement.
  • Alice #251 through 500: Our research laboratories and workshops are extremely well equipped.
  • Alice #1 through 250, Alice #251 through 500: You are free to visit them.
  • Captain Kirk: All right, we might later. In the mean time, would you mind leaving us?
  • Alice #1 through 250, Alice #251 through 500: Why should we leave you?
  • Captain Kirk: Because... we don't like you.
  • Captain Kirk: What is a man but that lofty spirit, that sense of enterprise, that devotion for something that cannot be sensed, cannot be realized but only dreamed, the highest reality?
  • McCoy: Besides, he has avoided two appointments that I've made for his physical exam without reason.
  • Spock: It's not at all surprising, Doctor. He's probably terrified of your beads and rattles.
  • Captain Kirk: Who caught you?
  • Harcourt Fenton Mudd: That, sir, is an outrageous assumption!
  • Captain Kirk: Yes. Who caught you?
  • Spock: Whatever method we use to stop them, we must make haste. They have only to install some cybernetic devices aboard the Enterprise and they'll be able to leave orbit.
  • McCoy: How do you know so much?
  • Spock: I asked them.
  • McCoy: Oh.
  • [trying to confuse an android]
  • Captain Kirk: Everything Harry tells you is a lie. Remember that. Everything Harry tells you is a lie.
  • Harcourt Fenton Mudd: Now listen to this carefully, Norman. I am... lying.
  • Norman: You say you are lying, but if everything you say is a lie, then you are telling the truth, but you cannot tell the truth because everything you say is a lie, but you lie... You tell the truth but you cannot for you lie... illogical! Illogical! Please explain! You are human. Only humans can explain their behavior! Please explain!
  • Captain Kirk: [giving him the same statement the androids have repeatedly given him several times before] I am not programmed to respond in that area.
  • McCoy: All right, it's worked so far, but we're not out yet.
  • Captain Kirk: [to Spock as he enters] Well?
  • Spock: Success, Captain. We've been pruning the leaves and branches of the tree, now it is time to get to work on the root.
  • Captain Kirk: Scotty! Scotty's dead! He had too much happiness. But now he's happier, he's dead. And we'll miss him.
  • Alice #1 through 250: Why does she strike him?
  • Captain Kirk: She likes him.
  • Dr. McCoy: [referring to large darkened pane on wall] Harry, what's this?
  • Harry Mudd: [pressing button by pane to reveal Stella android] Ah. That, gentlemen, is a shrine to the memory of my beloved Stella.
  • Capt. Kirk: Who?
  • Harry Mudd: Stella, my wife.
  • Dr. McCoy: Dead?
  • Harry Mudd: Oh, no, no, no, merely deserted. You see, gentlemen, behind every great man there is a woman, urging him on. And so it was with my Stella. She urged me on into outer space. Not that she meant to.
  • [with increasing irritation]
  • Harry Mudd: But with her continual, eternal, confounded nagging--well, I think of her constantly, and every time I do, I go further out into space.
  • Dr. McCoy: That's very interesting. You leave your wife and then bring her along.
  • Harry Mudd: I had the androids construct a perfect replica of Stella, so that I could gaze upon her, and rejoice in her absence. Gentlemen, attend. Stella, dear...
  • Stella Mudd: [switching on, angrily] Mm, Harcourt? Harcourt Fenton Mudd, what have you been up to? Nothing good, I'm sure. Well let me tell you, you lazy, good-for-nothing...
  • Harry Mudd: Shut up!
  • Stella Mudd: [switching off] Nothing... thing... thing.
  • Harry Mudd: Marvelous, isn't it? I finally have the last word with her...
  • [to Kirk]
  • Harry Mudd: and with you.
  • Norman: We cannot allow any race as greedy and corruptible as yours to have free run of the galaxy.
  • Spock: I'm curious, Norman. Just how do you intend to stop them?
  • Norman: We shall serve them. Their kind will be eager to accept our service. Soon they will become completely dependent upon us.
  • Alice #1 through 250: Their aggressive and acquisitive instincts will be under our control.
  • Norman: We shall take care of them.
  • Spock: Eminently practical.
  • Captain Kirk: The whole galaxy controlled by your kind?
  • Norman: Yes, Captain. And we shall serve them and you will be happy, and controlled.
  • Uhura: Because I want an android body. I *want* immortality. I'll live forever, Captain. I'll be young and beautiful.
  • Capt. Kirk: Mr. Spock, we seem to be taking an unscheduled ride.
  • Spock: Interesting.

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Alyce Andrece, Rhae Andrece, and Roger C. Carmel in Star Trek (1966)
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