Lisa Simpson: Dad, look!
[holds TV up]
Homer Simpson: Television! Teacher, mother...
Homer Simpson: [lustily] ... secret lover. Urge to kill... fading... fading... fading - rising! Fading... fading... gone.
Homer Simpson: Come, family. sit in the snow with daddy and let us all bask in TV's warm glowing warming glow.
[Hours later, everyone is frozen]
man introducing Tony Awards: [on TV] Live, from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards, with your hosts Tyne Daly and Hal Linden!
Bart Simpson: [with difficulty] Homer... change channel.
Homer Simpson: Can't! Frozen!
[music on TV: "One chorus line of people...?]
Homer Simpson: [family screams]
Homer Simpson: Urge to kill... rising...
Homer Simpson: [chops down a door a la The Shining] Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!
[there's no one in the room]
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
[chops down another door]
Homer Simpson: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavid Letterman!
Grandpa Simpson: Hi, David, I'm Grampa.
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
[chops down another door and holds a stopwatch]
Homer Simpson: I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!
Bart Simpson: Hey! I found a shortcut through your hedge maze.
Groundskeeper Willy: Why you little...
Groundskeeper Willy: No, no, go easy on the wee one. His father's going to go crazy and chop 'em all into haggis!
Bart Simpson: What's haggis?
Groundskeeper Willy: [gasps] Boy... you read my thoughts! You've got the Shinning.
Bart Simpson: You mean "Shining".
Groundskeeper Willy: [sotto voce] Shh! You wanna to get sued? Now look, boy: if your Dad goes gaga, you just use that... Shin of yours to call me and I'll come a runnin'. But don't be reading my mind between four and five. That's Willy's time!
Homer Simpson: Well, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of... No TV and no beer make Homer something, something.
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer Simpson: Don't mind if I do!
Montgomery Burns: Yes, by cutting off cable TV, and the beer supply, I'll be able to ensure an honest winter's work out of those low-lifes...
Smithers: Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?
Montgomery Burns: Mmm, perhaps. Tell you what, we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke.
Lisa: Bart, does it strike you as odd that Uter disappeared and suddenly they're serving us this mysterious food called "Uterbraten"?
Principal Skinner: Oh relax kids, I've got a gut feeling Uter's around here somewhere hahahahaha, after all isn't there a little Uter in all of us? hahahaha... hahaha, in fact, you might even say we just ate Uter, and he's in our stomachs... right now! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!... Wait, scratch that one.
[a ghostly Moe appears in the hotel's bar]
Moe Szyslak: So, what'll it be, Homer?
Homer Simpson: Moe, gimme a beer!
Moe Szyslak: No. Not unless you kill your family.
Homer Simpson: Why should I kill my family?
Moe Szyslak: Uh, they'd be much happier as ghosts.
Homer Simpson: You don't look so happy.
Moe Szyslak: Oh, I'm happy! I'm very happy! La-la-la-la-la-la-la! See? Now waste your family, I'll give you a beer!
Mr. Burns: This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and was the setting of Satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials.
Homer: [shudders] Oh... John Denver.
Moe: Homer, it's Moe. Uh, look, some of the ghouls and I are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward.
Homer Simpson: Can't murder now, eating.
Moe: Oh, for crying out loud. Come on!
Homer Simpson: [Homer is falling through a time warp filled with clocks] Wow! I'm the first non-Brazillian person to travel backwards through time!
Mr. Peabody: [Mr. Peabody and Sherman, the time traveling duo from the Rocky & Bullwinkle show, float past] Correction, Homer, you're the second.
Sherman: That's right, Mr. Peabody.
Mr. Peabody: Quiet, you!
Groundskeeper Willy: [after being hacked in the back with an axe for the third time in the third act] Oh, I'm bad at this.
[falls down dead]
[Marge enters a large room, with a typewriter in the middle]
Marge Simpson: Homer? Homey?
[sees the typewriter]
Marge Simpson: Hum, what he's typing will be a window into his madness.
[approaches the typewriter and reads:]
Marge Simpson: 'Feelin' fine.' Well, that's a relief.
[Lightning flashes and illuminates the room, showing "NO TV AND NO BEER MAKE HOMER GO CRAZY" scrawled again and again all over the walls in wild letters]
Marge Simpson: Mmm... this is less encouraging.
Montgomery Burns: That's odd. Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.
Homer: I've gone back in time to when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos.
Principal Skinner: I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes... I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by eating your shorts.
Homer Simpson: [after using a time-traveling toaster, Homer suddenly finds himself in the dinosaur era] Okay, don't panic! Remember the advice your father gave you on your wedding day.
Grandpa Simpson: [Flashback of younger Grampa in a tuxedo] If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything. Because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.
Homer Simpson: Right. As long as I stay perfectly still and don't touch anything, I won't destroy the future.
[a prehistoric mosquito flies by]
Homer Simpson: Stupid bug! You go squish now!
[squishes the mosquito. It falls to the ground, dead]
Homer Simpson: [gasps] But that was just one little insignificant mosquito. That can't change the future, right? Right?
Prehistoric Creature: I don't know.
Marge Simpson: [emerges from behind a curtain] Hello, once again. As usual, I must warn you that this year's Halloween show is very, very scary, and those of you with young children may want to send them off to bed, a...
[someone hands her a note, which she reads]
Marge Simpson: Oh, my. It seems the show is so scary, that Congress won't even let us show it. Instead, they've suggested the 1941 Glenn Ford movie, "200 Miles to Oregon".
[a black-and-white live-action shot of a wagon train plays for a few seconds and then is cut off with a flash. The flash then turns into a oscilloscope's waveform]
Bart Simpson: There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust your picture. *We* are controlling the transmission.
Homer Simpson: What's that, boy? We're in control? Hey, look! I can see my voice!
[chuckles, then vocalizes to experiment with the waveform]
Homer Simpson: Brrrrrr! Hee! Heeee! Blub-blub-blub-blub-blub! This. Is-my-voice. On Tee-Vee...!
Bart Simpson: DAD! You're ruining the mood!
Homer Simpson: Sorry.
Bart Simpson: For the next half-hour, we will control what you see and hear. You are about to experience the terror and foul horror of...
[the waveform morphs into an outline of the family]
Bart Simpson: The Simpsons Halloween Special.
[Marge drags an unconscious Homer into the cellar]
Marge Simpson: You stay here until you're no longer insane!
[turns to the shelves]
Marge Simpson: Hmm, chili would be good tonight.
Marge: [on radio] Husband on murderous rampage. Send help. Over.
Chief Wiggum: Whew, thank God that's over. I was worried for a little bit.
Groundskeeper Willy: You're still not in your own world, Homer. You can have the house, but you have to do exactly as I...
[Gets killed by Maggie who hits him with an axe]
Maggie Simpson: This is indeed a disturbing universe.
Lisa: Mom! Mom! You gotta help! They're cooking kids in the school cafeteria!
Marge Simpson: Listen, kids - you're eight and ten years old now; I can't be fighting all your battles for you.
Bart Simpson: But, mom!
Marge Simpson: Nobuts! You march right back to that school, look them straight in the eye and say 'Don't eat me'.
Marge: [Bart awakens from a nightmare] Relax, honey. You were just having a crazy nightmare. You're back home with your family now, where there's nothing to be afraid of... except that fog that turns people inside out.
Homer: [the fog starts coming in] Uh-oh, it's seeping in. STUPID CHEAP WEATHER STRIPPING!
[everyone screams as the fog turns them inside out; then they stop screaming, looking at each other. Music plays, and they start dancing and singing]
Groundskeeper Willie: [Willy, also turned inside out, jumps on stage] Too...!
Marge, Bart, Homer, Lisa, Groundskeeper Willie: Many dancing people, covered in blood, gore, and glop!/Just one sniff of that fog and you're inside out!/It's worse than that flesh-eating virus you've read about!/Vital organs, they are what we're dressed in, the family dog is eyeing Bart's intestine!/Happy Halloween!
Kang: [Homer keeps carelessly distorting the time line, trying to get back to his own universe. Kang and Kodos the aliens watch from space as Homer's meddling causes 742 Evergreen Terrace to repeatedly change from one bizzarre form to another] Foolish earthling! Totally unprepared for the effects of time travel!
[They both laugh]
Kang: [Suddenly, one of the changes Homer makes to the timeline causes Kang and Kodos's bodies to transform to those of Sherman and Mr. Peabody] What happened to us, Kodos?
Mr. Peabody: Quiet, you!
Homer Simpson: Oh, I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish.
Ned Flanders: Now, incase all that smiling didn't cheer you up, there's one thing that never fails: nice glass of warm milk, a little nap, and a total frontal lobotomy!
Lisa Simpson: Are we taking the new Nexus to aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today?
Homer Simpson: Hmm, fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan, WOO HOO! I hit the jackpot! Marge, dear, would you kindly pass me a donut?
Marge Simpson: Donut? What's a donut?
[Homer screams in horror and runs back to the time machine. Right after he leaves, it starts raining donuts]
Marge Simpson: Hmm. It's raining again.
Bart Simpson: Don't worry, guys, something always comes along to save us.
Milhouse Van Houten: Aaaaaggggghhhhh!
[Milhouse falls to his death in the meat grinder]
Bart Simpson: Ah, nevertheless, I remain confident something will come along and save the two Simpson children.
Homer Simpson: [Homer is slowly being driven mad by the lack of beer and TV at the lodge] I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you!
Marge Simpson: Homer!
Homer Simpson: Sorry. Sorry. Don't worry. There's plenty I can do to keep myself occupied. Maybe I'll check out that axe collection?
[he leaves the kitchen but then pokes his head around the door jamb with a sinister smile]
Homer Simpson: See ya later.
Lisa Simpson: Mom, is Dad gonna' kill us?
Marge Simpson: [not too concerned yet] We're just gonna' have to wait and see.
Ned Flanders: Just relax, let the hooks do their work.
Homer Simpson: What the hell are you smiling at?