Homer: Is this episode going on the air live ?
June Bellamy: No Homer, very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animator's wrist.
June Bellamy: Relax, Homer. You'll do fine. I'm June Bellamy. I do the voices of Itchy & Scratchy.
Homer: You? But you're a lady.
June Bellamy: [as Itchy] She's a lady, all right.
June Bellamy: [as Scratchy] A beautiful lady.
Homer: [laughs] Hey, that really is you. How did you get to be so good?
June Bellamy: Oh, just experience, I suppose. I started out as Road Runner.
June Bellamy: [as Road Runner] Meep!
Homer: You mean "Meep, meep"?
June Bellamy: No, they only paid me to say it once, then they doubled it on the soundtrack. Cheap bastards.
Roger Myers Jr.: You folks ready to begin?
Homer: Uh, I guess. Is this episode going on the air live?
June Bellamy: No, Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animators' wrists.
Comic Book Guy: Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.
Bart Simpson: Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?
Comic Book Guy: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
Bart Simpson: What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them.
Comic Book Guy: Worst episode ever.
Marge Simpson: It's not your fault, Homer. It's those lousy writers. They make me madder than a... yak in heat.
[after Poochie the dog debuts on the Itchy and Scratchy show to a lukewarm response]
Homer: I liked it... right?
Homer's Brain: You don't wanna know what I think... Now look sad and say "D'oh!...?
Poochie: Catch you on the flip side, dude-meisters! NOT! Hey kids, always recycle... to the extreme! Bust it!
Jasper Beardley: Is this seat taken, little girl?
Bart Simpson: I'm not a girl! Are you blind?
Jasper Beardley: Yes.
Doug: In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is a magic xylophone, or something? Ha ha, boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
Homer: I'll field that one. Let me ask *you* a question. Why would a grown man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?
Doug: I withdraw my question.
[starts eating a candy bar]
Focus Group Guy: [after showing the kids some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons] Okay, how many of the kids would like Itchy & Scratchy to deal with real life problems like the ones you face every day?
[the kids cheer]
Focus Group Guy: And who would like to see them do just the opposite, getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers.
[the kid kids cheer again]
Focus Group Guy: So you want a realistic down-to-earth show that's completely off the wall and swarming with magic robots?
[the kids all chat at once about it being a great idea]
Milhouse Van Houten: And, also, you should win things by watching.
Focus Group Guy: [sighs]
Roger Myers Jr.: [turns off the mirror disguise in the window] You kids don't know what you want. That's why you're still kids, 'cause you're stupid. Just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show!
[turns the mirror back on]
Ralph Wiggum: [starts crying] Mommy!
Lisa Simpson: Um, excuse me, sir. The thing is, there's not really anything wrong with the Itchy & Scratchy Show. It's as good as ever. But after so many years, the characters just can't have the same impact they once had.
Roger Myers Jr.: [turns the mirror off again] That's it. That's it, little girl. You've saved Itchy & Scratchy!
Blue-haired Lawyer: [holding out a piece of paper to Lisa] Please sign these papers indicating that you did not save Itchy & Scratchy.
Animator: Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important?
Animator: Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that.
Animator: I'm fired, aren't I?
Roger Myers Jr.: Hey, Krusty, you look great. You get your teeth bleached?
Krusty: Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment... HEY, SHUT UP! You're here 'cause your Itchy & Scratchy cartoons are stinking up my ratings!
[points to a ratings chart]
Krusty: Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show!
Roger Myers Jr.: What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter?
Krusty: See, that what I thought at first, but then... HEY, SHUT UP! That crater is where your lousy cartoon crash-landed! It's ratings poison!
Roger Myers Jr.: But Itchy & Scratchy is critically acclaimed.
Krusty: ACCLAIMED? PAH! I ought to replace it right now with a Chinese cartoon where robots turn into blingwads! But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger. So I'm gonna give you one more chance. Now get out! Don't come back till you've fixed Itchy & Scratchy.
[Roger Myers Jr. slams the door so hard it breaks off, showing Sideshow Mel in the waiting room]
Krusty's Secreatary: [off-screen] Okay, Mel, you can go in now.
Sideshow Mel: [walks into Krusty's office] Krusty, I've come to solicit donations for the Rock 'n' Roll Museum, and...
[Krusty still has an angry face from his argument with Roger Myers Jr]
Sideshow Mel: I'll come back later.
Doug: [wearing a T-shirt that says "Genius at Work"] Hi. A question for Miss Bellamy. In episode 2F09 when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is some sort of a magic xylophone or something? Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
June Bellamy: Uh, well...
Homer: I'll field this one.
Homer: [to Doug] Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?
Doug: I withdraw my question.
[takes a bite from a bar of chocolate]
Database: Uh, excuse me, Mr Simpson. On the Itchy & Scratchy CD-ROM, is there a way to get out of the dungeon without using the wizard key?
Homer: What the hell are you talking about?
June Bellamy: You're a lifesaver, Homer. I can't deal with these hard-core fans.
Comic Book Guy: [clears throat] Your attention, please.
Man: [everyone is still paying attention to June Bellamy & Homer] Uh, in episode...
Comic Book Guy: [interrupting] EH, YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE! Mr Simpson will now be autographing 8-by-10 glossies of Poochie. ONE per customer. Please form a line. There will be no cutting.
[points to someone off-screen]
Comic Book Guy: I'm talking to you, Mr Cutter.
Nelson Muntz: [after the Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie cartoon ends] That stunk.
Homer: Well, what did everybody think?
[everyone starts leaving in disgust]
Ned Flanders: Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy & Chimpy I've ever seen.
Carl: Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer. You, uh... got a beautiful home here.
Homer: [to the rest of the Simpson family] So it was pretty okay, huh?
Bart Simpson: Mom, can we go to bed without dinner
Marge Simpson: Yes, we can.
[Marge, Bart and Lisa run upstairs]
Focus Group Guy: All right, thanks for participating in our focus group, kids. Today, we're gonna show you some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons.
[the kids cheer]
Nelson Muntz: Cool!
Focus Group Guy: We want you to tell us what you think. And be honest because no one from the show is spying on you.
[a man behind the mirror sneezes making the mirror shake]
Lisa Simpson: Why is that mirror sneezing?
Focus Group Guy: Look, it's just an old creaky mirror, you know. Sometimes it sounds a little like it's sneezing or coughing or talking softly.
Lisa Simpson: [suspiciously] Hmm.
Focus Group Guy: [holds his thumb up to the mirror] Now, you each have a knob in front of you. When you like what you see, turn the knob to the right. When you don't like what you see, turn it left.
Ralph Wiggum: [with his knob in his mouth] My knob tastes funny.
Focus Group Guy: [taking the knob out of Ralph's mouth] Please refrain from tasting the knob.
Milhouse Van Houten: [the Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie cartoon is showing] When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory?
[Milhouse starts whimpering]
Moe: Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on?
Moe: [to Marge] Midge, help me out here.
Homer: Quiet. You're missing the jokes.
Comic Book Guy: Last night's "Itchy & Scratchy" was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
Scratchy: [the family are watching the latest episode of the Itchy, Scratchy & Poochie Show. During an ice sculpture contest, Itchy is cutting into Scratchy whose body is frozen in a block of ice when Poochie walks up] Well, look who's here.
Itchy: Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say. Do you?
Poochie: Yes, I certainly do.
[just as he's about to speak again the picture freezes and Roger Myers voice replaces Homer's]
Poochie: I have to go now. My planet needs me.
[Poochie's animation cell is lifted and a cue card written in crayon informs the audience "Poochie died on the way back to his home planet"]
Bart Simpson: Wow, Poochie came from another planet?
Lisa Simpson: [in disbelief] I guess.
Homer: Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen! Those finks double-crossed me!
Krusty: Poochie's dead!
[the kids in the audience are delighted]
Krusty: Now kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit that Poochie will never, ever, ever return.
Blue-haired Lawyer: [the Blue-haired Lawyer walks onto the set and examines it] This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes.
[that gets another round of applause from the kids in the audience]