- Kent Brockman: Could Homer Simpson be a communist? His father spoke out on his behalf.
- Grampa Simpson: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is *not* a porn star!
- Drill Sergeant: Look soldier, you don't like me, and I don't like you.
- Homer: I like you.
- Drill Sergeant: Well, I don't like you.
- Homer: Maybe you'd like me if you got to know me better.
- Russian Representative: The Soviet Union will be pleased to offer amnesty to your wayward vessel.
- United States Representative: Soviet Union? I thought you guys broke up.
- Russian Representative: Nyet! That's what we wanted you to think, hahahahahaha!
- [before setting sail on a submarine]
- Captain Tenille: Any questions?
- Homer: Is a poop deck what I think it is?
- Captain Tenille: [laughing] I like the cut of your jib.
- Homer: What's a jib?
- Captain Tenille: Promote that man.
- Naval Recruiter: Just fill out this form, and you're on your way to the reserve.
- Homer Simpson: There's a question that's crossed out.
- Naval Recruiter: Well... due to a recent presidential order, we're not allowed to ask that particular question.
- Homer Simpson: I think I can make it out.
- [reads]
- Homer Simpson: "Are you a homosex..."
- Naval Recruiter: [interrupts] For God's sake, don't answer that, I could go to jail!
- Homer Simpson: But I'm not a homose...
- Naval Recruiter: [covers his ears and sings loudly] La, la, la, la, la, la, la, I am not lis-ten-ing! La, la, la, la, la...
- [exits]
- Homer Simpson: Nice fella. I wonder if he's gay?
- [Homer is watching a television ad for the Naval Reserve]
- Naval Recruiter: Daybreak, Jakarta. The proud men and women of the Navy are protecting America's interests overseas, but you're in Lubbock, Texas hosing down a statue, because you're in the Naval Reserve. Once you complete basic training, you only work one weekend a month, and most of that time you're drunk off your ass. The Naval Reserve: America's 17th line of defense, between the Mississippi National Guard, and the American League of Women Voters.
- [onboard a submarine]
- Homer Simpson: Mr. Moe, prepare to surface.
- Moe: You want to stop calling me Mr. Moe?
- Homer Simpson: No.
- Jimbo Jones: Hey look. Milhouse has an earring.
- [everyone on the bus starts chanting Milhouse's name in recognition of his newfound coolness]
- Bart: Hey, if you want cool, check this out.
- [singing and dancing]
- Bart: Everybody if you can do the Bart, Man. Shake your body turn it out if you can, can. Do the Bart, Man, yeah.
- Ralph: That is so 1991.
- Homer Simpson: I've joined the Naval Reserve.
- Barney: I'm not going to let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too.
- Moe: I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best customers, I'm joining, too.
- Apu: Even though my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey.
- Smithers: [after a disaster involving a donut] Uh, sir, we found the problem. Some idiot threw this in the reactor core.
- Homer: Success!
- Mr. Burns: [incredulous] *You* did this? How could you be so irresponsible?
- Homer: Uh, it's my first day.
- Mr. Burns: Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day. Very well! Carry on.
- [begins to walk away]
- Smithers: Uh, sir. That's Homer Simpson. He's been working here for ten years!
- Mr. Burns: [walking back to Homer] Oh really! Why did you think you could lie to me?
- Homer: It's my first day.
- Mr. Burns: Well, why didn't you say...
- Mr. Burns: [realizes] WHOA! YOU'RE FIRED!
- Marge: What on earth possessed you to get an earring?
- Bart: Milhouse has one.
- Marge: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff...
- Bart: Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there.
- Homer: Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family and its proud naval tradition.
- Bart: Well, I'm keeping this earring and you can't stop me.
- Homer: Oh... I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced.
- Lisa: Can I?
- Homer: No.
- Naval Officer: Seaman Simpson, you've given the Navy a black eye from which it may never recover. I would throw the book at you, but I've been indicted in the Tailhook scandal. Goodbye!
- Naval Captain: Attention, Homer Simpson: you have ten seconds to explain yourself before we open fire.
- Homer Simpson: [into megaphone] Umm... it's my first day!
- [Captain and crew laugh]
- Homer Simpson: [to Spanish fleet] Es mi dia primero!
- [Captain and crew laugh]
- Homer Simpson: [to Chinese fleet] Pu gong quan chu chon gong tshoo!
- [Captain and crew laugh]
- Homer Simpson: [to S.S. Antarctica] Quack, quack, quack.
- [penguins chuckle]
- Homer Simpson: [Keeps to get angry at his son has ear pierced, and thinks about it on board of the submarine sinking after a pinhole leak]
- Bart: Dad? The earring could plug the hole.
- Homer Simpson: I'll plug your hole!
- [thinks a little]
- Homer Simpson: I mean, eureka!
- Bob Denver: and another thing when people come up to me and say little buddy and hit me with her there hat thats not funny it hurts!
- Grampa Simpson: I was on PT 109 with John F. Kennedy. I was the first to discover his *terrible* secret.
- John F. Kennedy: [flashback] Ich bin ein Berliner.
- Grampa Simpson: [gasp] He's a Nazi! Get him!
- [Grampa and the men advance on Kennedy and beat him up]
- Homer: [while in recruit training, he is tying a knot] There. The perfect sheepshank.
- Drill Sergeant: Very nice, Simpson. But next time, tie the other end to the ship!
- Homer: [a vessel goes down a waterfall; the crew scream as they plummet] Ohh!