Hollis Hurlbut: Now get out. You're banned from this historical society. You and your children, and your children's children... for three months.
Homer: [deadly serious] I've got two questions. One: Where's the fife? Two: Give me the fife.
[George Washington appears in Lisa's dream, urging her to reveal the truth about the town's founder. Lisa wakes up yelling]
Lisa: I want to help you, George Washington.
Bart: [walking by her room] "I want to help you... George Washington"? Man, even your dreams are square.
Homer: Dig him up. Dig up that corpse. If you really love Jebediah Springfield, you'll haul his bones out of the ground to prove my daughter wrong. Dig up his grave. Pull out his tongue.
Mayor Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?
Jebidiah Springfield: A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.
Mrs. Krabappel: Embiggens? I never heard that word before moving to Spingfield.
Miss Hoover: I don't know why, it's a perfectly cromulent word.
Ralph Wiggum: Can you open my milk, Mommy?
Miss Hoover: I'm not Mommy, Ralph. I'm Miss Hoover.
[the class laugh at Ralph]
George Washington: We had quitters during the Revolution too... we called them Kentuckians.
Betsy Ross: [Interrupting the fight between Washington and Jebediah Springfield] I got the white stars you wanted but not the red hearts, yellow moons, and or green clovers.
George Washington: Well... I'll use it. But I'm not *paying* for it!
Lisa: How about town crier? You'd be great at that.
Homer: You think so?
Bart: Well, yeah, dad, you're a big fat loud-mouth, and you can walk when you have to.
Hollis Hurlbut: And here is his fife; upon which he sounded the sweet note of freedom. His hatchet with which he hacked at the chains of oppression. And his... chamber pot.
Miss Hoover: Lisa, a-hem, for your essay... Jebediah Springfield: Super Fraud, F.
Lisa: But it's all true.
Miss Hoover: Agh, this is nothing more than dead white male bashing from a PC thug. It's women like you who keep the rest of us from landing a husband!
Moe Szyslak: Awww, the little cutie wants to do something cute.
Barney Gumble: Oh...
Moe Szyslak: Shut up you bums! Shut up!
[to the patrons]
Moe Szyslak: Go ahead, angel.
Lisa: Jebediah Springfield was nothing more than an evil blood-thirsty pirate who hated this town!
Moe Szyslak: Good God! Ah, Homer, you know I support, ah, most any prejudice you can name, but your hero phobia sickens me.
Lisa: I hope you know you're sponsoring a celebration for a murderous pirate.
Long John Silver's Representative: A pirate? Well, that's hardly the image we want for Long John Silver's!
Mayor Quimby: Congratulations Ned, you are our new town crier. May your shrill, nasal voice ring throughout our streets and brains.
Ned Flanders: Thankily-dank, Mayor, I shan't disappoint. Har ye, har ye. I declare myself pinkled tink about Springfield's Bicen-cidilly-ti-ten-toodly-rin-tin-tennial Day.
Homer: You suck-diddily-uck, Flanders. Gimme that.
[Grabs the bell from him]
Homer: Hear ye. Hear ye. Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all. Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world.
Chief Wiggum: Good God, he is fabulous.
Principal Skinner: He's embiggened that role with that cromulent performance.