The Simpsons (TV Series)
Last Exit to Springfield (1993)
Quotes
Grampa: We can't bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Gimme five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now where were we... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have any white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...
Carl: Welcome, brothers of Local 643. As you know, our president, Chuckie Fitzhugh, ain't been seen lately. We're all prayin' he'll turn up soon, alive and well.
[everyone laughs]
Carl: All right, all right. But seriously, we have to vote on Burns' new contract. It's basically the same deal, except we get a free keg of beer for our meetings.
[everyone cheers]
Carl: In exchange for that, we have to give up our dental plan.
[Everyone cheers and rushes over to the beer keg. Lenny pours a beer]
Lenny: So long, Dental Plan!
[Lenny's and Marge's words keep repeating in Homer's head]
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
[Charlie drops a pencil into Homer's butt crack]
Carl: Bullseye!
Homer: Thanks a lot, Carl. Now I've lost my train of thought.
[back to Homer's mind]
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Lenny: Dental Plan!
Marge: Lisa needs braces.
Homer: [finally realizing] If we give up our dental plan... I'll have to pay for Lisa's braces!
Mr. Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.
Homer: [thinking] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Mr. Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Homer: [thinking] Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?
Mr. Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
Homer: [thinking] My God! He IS coming onto me!
Mr. Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows.
[chuckles, clicks his tongue and winks]
Homer: [thinking] Aaaaaagh!
Homer: [aloud] Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!
Mr. Burns: Who is that firebrand, Smithers?
Smithers: Ah, that's Homer Simpson, sir.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man?
Smithers: He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, and his wife painted you in the nude...
Mr. Burns: Eh... doesn't ring a bell.
Mr. Burns: This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have written the greatest novel known to man.
Mr. Burns: [reads a page]
Mr. Burns: Let's see... "It was the best of times, it was the BLURST of times?" You stupid monkey!
[crumpling up the paper and throwing it at the monkey]
Mr. Burns: Now, let's get down to business.
Homer: [thinks] Oh, man. I have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon?
Mr. Burns: Now Homer, I know what you're thinking. I want to take the pressure off. Now, it doesn't take a 'whiz' to know that you're looking out for 'Number One'. Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon.
Kent Brockman: Ah, Mr. Burns, you said you wanted an opening tirade.
Mr. Burns: Yes, thank you, Kent. Fifteen minutes from now, I will wreak a terrible vengeance on this city. No one will be spared. NO ONE!
Kent Brockman: [chuckles] Ha ha, a chilling vision of things to come.
[doorbell rings]
Homer: Who is it?
Male Voice: Goons.
Homer: Who?
Male Voice: Hired goons.
Homer: [opening door] Hired Goons?
[the goons grab Homer roughly and take him away. One steps back into the doorway and shakes his tie. They take him to Burns' Mansion]
Mr. Burns: Ah, Homer. I hope "Crusher" and "Low Blow" didn't hurt you.
Homer: Y'know, you could have just called me.
Mr. Burns: Oh yes, but the telephone is so impersonal. I prefer the hands-on touch you only get with hired goons.
Homer: Hired Goons?
Mr. Burns: Look at them all through the darkness I'm bringing! They're not sad at all, they're actually singing! They sing without juicers! They sing without blenders! They sing without flunjers, capdabblers, and smendlers!
[Mr. Burns is reminiscing about his grandfather's old Atom Smashing Plant]
Burns' Grandfather: Come on, come on, crack those atoms! You there, turn out your pockets.
[Two goons seize a waifish worker and turn out his pockets]
Burns' Grandfather: Atoms! One, two, three, four... SIX of them! Take him away!
Waif: You can't treat the working man this way! One day we'll form a union, and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we'll go too far, and get corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive!
Burns' Grandfather: The Japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders? Ta ha! Bosh! Flimshaw!
Mr. Burns: Oh, if only we'd listened to that boy, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.
Lisa: [singing] So we'll march day and night by the big cooling tower. They have the plant, but we have the power.
Dr. Wolff: Lisa, Marge, these braces are invisible, painless, and periodically release a delightful burst of Calvin Klein's "Obsession For Teeth."
Marge: Doctor, we don't have a dental plan right now, so we need something a little more... affordable.
Dr. Wolff: These pre-date stainless steel, so you can't get them wet.
[Mr. Burns and Smither watch Homer on a security monitor stretching at his work station]
Mr. Burns: Hmm, he's a worthy foe. Look at him Smithers, exercising away, while the others are off at the candy machine.
[Homer has a Sugar Daddy caramel pop stuck to his back]
Homer: Hey Lenny, can you get this Sugar Daddy off my back?
Lenny: All right, but this is the last time!
Homer: Guys are always pattin' my bald head for luck, pinchin' my belly to hear my girlish laugh.
Marge: Hmm, that doesn't sound like they like you at all.
Homer: You know, I think you're right. First thing tomorrow morning, I'm gonna punch Lenny in the back of the head!
[Cut to the next morning where Homer punches Lenny in the back of the head while drinking coffee]
Homer: [thinks] Oh, man. I have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon?
Mr. Burns: Now Homer, I know what you're thinking, and I want to take the pressure off. It doesn't take a whiz to see that you're looking out for Number One.
[as he speaks, there is a leaky pipe dripping in the background, and Smithers pours him coffee from a pot with a long spout]
Mr. Burns: Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon!
[He gestures, knocking his coffee cup and causing some to spill into the saucer]
Homer: Oh, which way to the bathroom?
[inspecting the students before photos]
Principal Skinner: Pat down that cow-lick. Straighten that part! Uncross those eyes, mister.
Quigley: But I can't.
McBain: Ice to see you!
Homer: And I got this scar sneaking under the door of a pay toilet.
