Kent Brockman: Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charges that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down eighty percent, while heavy sack beatings are up a shocking nine hundred percent?
Homer Simpson: Aw, you can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forfty percent of all people know that.
Kent Brockman: I see. Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?
Homer Simpson: Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.
Kent Brockman: [pause] Well, touché.
Homer: So I said, "Look buddy, your car was upside-down when I got here. And as for your grandmother, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that."
Kent Brockman: Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Professor: Yes I would, Kent.
Jimbo Jones: Hey, you're that drunken posse. Wow! Can I join ya?
Homer Simpson: I don't know, can you swing a sack of doorknobs?
Jimbo Jones: Can I!
Homer Simpson: You're in. Here's the sack!
Moe Szyslak: But you gotta supply your own knobs!
Lisa Simpson: Dad! There was a burglar, and he took my saxophone!
Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!
Bart Simpson: And our portable TV!
Homer Simpson: D'oh!
Marge Simpson: He also took my pearl necklace.
Homer Simpson: Eh, that's no big loss.
Marge Simpson: Homer, that neckless was a priceless Bouvier family heirloom!
Homer Simpson: You've probably got a whole drawer full of those things.
Marge Simpson: [Opens a drawer, pulls out a ball made of identical necklaces, removes one from the ball and puts it on] Well, yes I do. But they're all heirlooms too.
Homer Simpson: So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught by the very person who was trying to catch him.
Seymour Skinner: How ironic.
Seymour Skinner: Any sign of the burglar yet?
Homer Simpson: He'll show.
Seymour Skinner: How's that?
Homer Simpson: It's his job.
Seymour Skinner: How's that?
Homer Simpson: He's a burglar.
[they nod at one another as the theme music from "Dragnet" plays]
Kent Brockman: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and in this house a creature *was* stirring. But the only thing he was stirring was: up trouble.
Homer Simpson: Never ever stop in the middle of a hoe-down.
[looking at a board marking the cat burglar's victimized houses]
Chief Wiggum: What do you think of this, boys?
Eddie: Well, it doesn't look like anything, but if you move these two here, and this one here...
Chief Wiggum: It almost looks like an arrow.
Lou: And it's pointing right at this police station.
Chief Wiggum: Let's get out of here!
Homer: [reading the newspaper] Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep. I was drunk.
Homer Simpson: Okay, we've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now, we need code names. I'll be Cue-ball, Skinner can be Eight-ball, Barney will be Twelve-ball, and Moe, you can be Cue-ball.
Moe Szyslak: You're an idiot.
Homer Simpson: It's time to clean up this town!
Seymour Skinner: Meaning what, exactly?
Homer Simpson: You know, push people around, make ourselves feel big.
Apu: [Camped out on top of the Kwik-E-Mart with a shotgun, taking shots at customers that pull up] Thank you for coming! I'll see you in Hell!
Malloy: Homer, old chap, well done. If anyone was going to catch me, I'm glad it was you.
Homer Simpson: Actually, it wasn't me, it was my dad, Grampa.
Abe Simpson: Thanks, Son. So you see, old people aren't so useless after all. Malloy's old, and he outsmarted the lot of you. And I'm even older and I outsmarted him! Ah ha ha ha...
Moe Szyslak: Shut up.
Abe Simpson: [meekly] I've had my moment.
Marge Simpson: Homer, wasn't the whole point to catch the Cat Burglar?
Lisa Simpson: And I still don't have my saxophone.
Homer Simpson: Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back. But we've also expanded into other important areas. Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world domination...
Lisa Simpson: World domination?
Homer Simpson: Oh ho, heh, that might be a typo.
Homer Simpson: Mental note: the girl knows too much.
Homer Simpson: All right: these are our new family security rules. Be home before dark, and make sure you're not followed. Lock all doors and windows.
Marge Simpson: And don't take candy from strangers.
Homer Simpson: Marge, they're only human!
Kent Brockman: Well, it looks like we have our first caller. And I mean ever, because this is not a call-in show.