Elaine Benes: Hey, what time is it?
Jerry Seinfeld: You just asked me two minutes ago.
["Two Minutes Ago"]
Elaine Benes: Hey, what time is it?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, I'm not wearin' a watch.
Jerry Seinfeld: All right, I admit it. I slept with Nina - but that's all!
George Costanza: "That's all"? That's everything! I don't know what all the rest of it is for, anyway.
[at Sue Ellen's wedding, just before the ceremony is to begin]
Elaine Benes: [whispering] Would you grow up, George? What is the difference? Nina slept with him, he slept with me, I slept with Pinter. Nobody cares; it's all ancient history.
George Costanza: [loudly] You slept with the groom?
[Newman and his girlfriend, in her convertible, stop in traffic]
Newman: You see, my dear, all certified mail is registered... but registered mail is not necessarily certified.
Model: [enchanted] I could listen to you talk about mail all day.
Newman: Anything you wish... I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: They're meaningless.
Cosmo Kramer: Hey... FDR wants me to drop dead.
George Costanza: "FDR"?
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, Franklin Delano Romanowski. I go to his birthday party and, just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look.
George Costanza: Stink eye?
Jerry Seinfeld: Crook eye?
Cosmo Kramer: *Evil* eye.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, everybody's a little cranky on their birthday.
George Costanza: Oh, it's a bad day. No, you got everyone in your house; you're thinking, "These are my friends?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Every day is my birthday.
Elaine Benes: [drunk] George knows that you slept with Nina; that's why he was acting so weird.
Jerry Seinfeld: How did he find out?
Elaine Benes: [holding a miniature bottle enthusiastically] He "schnapped" me!
[Jerry is disgusted by Newman's beautiful girlfriend's affection for Newman]
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, come on... You know he's a postman, don't you?
[Kramer bursts into Newman's birthday party]
Cosmo Kramer: Newman, wait!
Newman: Kramer, I'm with people.
Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah. And *thanks* for inviting me.
Newman: I did invite you. Your invitation must have gotten..."lost in the mail."
[Elaine popped into Jerry's apartment just as Nina was leaving Jerry's bedroom]
Elaine Benes: Who else you got back there?
Jerry Seinfeld: Look, there was an awkward moment in the conversation. It never happened before!
Elaine Benes: You *slept with Nina.* What are you gonna tell George?
Jerry Seinfeld: Nothing - and neither will you. George can never know about this: It'll crush him.
Elaine Benes: All right, all right; I'll put it in the vault.
Jerry Seinfeld: No good. Too many people know the combination.
Elaine Benes: What combination?
[Jerry mimes drinking from a bottle]
Elaine Benes: Your son is marrying my friend, Sue Ellen Mischke -
Usher: You're not going to the wedding, are you?
Elaine Benes: Well -
Usher: Don't go. India is a dreadful, dreadful place.
Zubin: You know, it's the only country that still has the plague.
Zubin: I mean, the plague - please.
Elaine Benes: You're not gonna believe what I got in the mail: invitation to Sue Ellen Mischke's wedding.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, at least the wedding gown will give her some support.
Elaine Benes: Not the point. The wedding is in one week; I got this today.
Jerry Seinfeld: So you think it's a non-vite.
Elaine Benes: It's an un-vitation.
[Elaine reads the wedding invitation from Sue Ellen Mischke]
Elaine Benes: Hey, look at this: Pinter Ranawat? I wonder if he's related to that guy I dated, Peter Ranawat.
Jerry Seinfeld: It's probably like "Smith" over there.
[discussing why Jerry and Nina never dated]
Jerry Seinfeld: We were too compatible. Our conversations were so engrossing.
George Costanza: How engrossing?
Jerry Seinfeld: If we ever had a problem with Elaine, we could bring in Nina and not lose a step.
George Costanza: [chuckles with surprise, then shows worry] You don't, uh, have a replacement lined up for me, do you?
George Costanza: [Jerry chuckles knowingly and smiles]
Jerry Seinfeld: Anyway, like I was saying, I couldn't make the transition from conversation to sex. There were no awkward pauses - I need an awkward pause.
George Costanza: I'm all awkward pauses. Fix me up with her.
["Eleven Years Earlier"]
[Jerry is moving into his new apartment; Kramer emerges from his, wearing a bathrobe]
Cosmo Kramer: Hey, how you doin'?
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, hi. I'm Jerry Seinfeld; I'm movin' in. I saw your name on the buzzer: You must be Kessler.
Cosmo Kramer: Uh, no, actually, it's "Kramer."... Uh, do you need any help, or - ?
Jerry Seinfeld: No, thanks. But, I ordered a pizza; you want some of it?
Cosmo Kramer: Uh, no, no, no; I couldn't impose.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why not? We're neighbors. What's mine is yours.
Cosmo Kramer: [leaning against the door-frame and looking around in wonder] Really?
George Costanza: So, Elaine, are you gonna sleep with me, or what?
Elaine Benes: George, I just got off a twenty-three-hour plane ride. I'm too tired to even vomit at the thought.
George Costanza: Fine; I'll ask you again when you're rested.
Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, I'm sure she'll come around.
Sue Ellen Mischke: Elaine, you were my maid of honor and you slept with my Pinter?
Elaine Benes: No, no, no - it was years ago, before you met him! And, I gotta tell you, it was very mechanical.
George Costanza: You know, I didn't go to the bathroom the *entire time* we were in India!
Nina Stengle: And by the way, you can take off those boots: Everyone knows you're five-six.
George Costanza: Five-eight!... Five-seven...
Nina Stengle: George, I've used the bathroom; it's fine.
George Costanza: No, no, no, no - I can walk it off. It's 120 degrees in here: I'll sweat it out.
[Kramer and FDR hold a wishbone]
Cosmo Kramer: All right, FDR; this wish is for all the marbles. You win, you get your wish: I drop dead. I win: I don't drop dead, and I get one-hundred-percent anti-drop-dead protection - forever.
Jerry Seinfeld: You know you're not supposed to drink while you're keeping a secret! Is there anything else?
Elaine Benes: I can't tell you!
Jerry Seinfeld: Here, drink this.
[arriving in India]
Elaine Benes: Oh, God; it's so hot! And what is that smell?
Jerry Seinfeld: I think it's the stench of death.
Nina Stengle: George, you've been wearing those boots since I met you. You're not gonna wear them to the wedding, are you?
George Costanza: No.
George Costanza: I'm gonna wear black shoes.
Sue Ellen Mischke: Elaine? Oh! Oh, I am so happy to see you!
Elaine Benes: You are?
Sue Ellen Mischke: Well, of course. No one else was even willing to come to India. I mean, not even Pinter's parents - and they're Indian.
Elaine Benes: Oh, boy; there's Sue Ellen. She didn't want me at this wedding, but here am I with a bunch of my idiot friends.
Jerry Seinfeld: [excitedly] This is gonna be great!
George Costanza: Hello, friend. Enjoying the flight?
Jerry Seinfeld: Coach to India: only way to go.
Nina Stengle: By the way, you never said anything to George about Jerry and me, did you?
Elaine Benes: Oh, please - it's in the vault.
George Costanza: Jerry seem a little weird when I mentioned Nina?
Elaine Benes: Nina? Nina? Nope. Sh... Not weird, no, Nina.
George Costanza: Why do you keep saying "Nina"?
Elaine Benes: I don't know.
Elaine Benes: "Nina." "Nina!"... I'm gonna go grab a bite.
Zubin: If I had to go to India, I wouldn't go to the bathroom the entire trip.
Elaine Benes: That's... fantastic.
George Costanza: Wait a minute - Nina just saw me in my Timberlands. Now, I have to wear them every time I see her.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why?
George Costanza: In any other shoe, I lose two inches; I can't have a drop-down. We were eye-to-eye; I can't go eye-to-chin.
Jerry Seinfeld: So you're gonna wear 'em no matter what the situation?
George Costanza: In every situation, no matter how silly I look.