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[on "Celebrity Jeopardy."]

Sean Connery: It looks like this is my lucky day! I'll take "The Rapists" for $200.

Alex Trebek: That's "therapists", not "the rapists".

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Alex Trebek: And the answer is: You would normally drink water out of one of these.

[Sean Connery buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Sean Connery?

Sean Connery: A leather glove.

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Alex Trebek: It's time for Double Jeopardy, let's take a look at the board. And the categories are: "Potent Potables", "Literature"... which is just a big word for books... "Therapists", "Current U.S. Presidents", "Show and Tell", "Household Objects", and finally, "One-Letter Words".

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Alex Trebek: [after Jeff Goldblum marvels at the buzzer rather than answering the questions] And you're an idiot! The answer was..."A Glass".

Sean Connery: [triumphantly gestures his arm] THEN THE DAY IS MINE!

Alex Trebek: Technically, it's still Mr. Goldblum's board, but since he is a human wasteland, I'll let Mr. Connery pick again.

Sean Connery: Oh, I'll play your game, you rogue! Let's try "The Rapists" for $20.

Alex Trebek: How about Show and Tell for $600? I'll just show you an object and you'll tell me what it is, ok?

Sean Connery: [Sean Connery buzzes in] It's a man with a moustache!

Alex Trebek: No, Mr. Connery, I'm not the object, I haven't it shown it to you yet.

[Trebek takes out a hammer]

Alex Trebek: Here it is. Name this object.

[Minnie Driver buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Minnie Driver.

Minnie Driver: It's a popsicle!

[timer sounds]

Alex Trebek: No.

[Jeff Goldblum buzzes in]

Alex Trebek: Jeff Goldblum, name this object.

Jeff Goldblum: Yes. Uh,. thank you. That's a... uh... a what-do-you-call-it when you... umm... When you... when you punish criminals in... uh... days of yore. It was a... And you'd put them in the... uh... the square in those... you know... uh...

Alex Trebek: You mean in the stocks or a pillory?

Jeff Goldblum: Yes, exactly!

[timer sounds]

Alex Trebek: It's a FRIGGIN HAMMER!

Jeff Goldblum: Well of course it is.

Sean Connery: Now listen to me, YOU BACK OFF TREBEK! You wouldn't have known that if you didn't have that card in front of ya!

[to Jeff Goldblum]

Sean Connery: This guy reads from a card!

Alex Trebek: Whatever. Let's move on to "Current U.S. Presidents" for $400.

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[to Minnie Driver]

Alex Trebek: Are you English or retarded?

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