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"Roseanne" December Bride (TV Episode 1995) Poster

(TV Series)

(1995)

Quotes

Scott: [to Roseanne] Let me see that check.

[dials the phone]

Scott: You really shouldn't have to... Hello, Mrs. Sloan? Hi, this is Scott, I'm the desk clerk at the Come-and-Go Motel, last time you and your husband were here you left some of your private garments here and... you haven't? Well aren't you a 20-year-old busty blonde? Oops, my mistake.

[hangs up]

Roseanne: He stiffs me out of a tip and you wreck his whole marriage? This is great, I've got other checks, let's do more.

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Roseanne: [to Dan and Nancy] Now you guys have to stall the guests and keep them entertained so I can go in the bathroom and talk to Leon. Now, if you hear any screaming, just tell everybody that Yoko Ono is warming up.

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Scott: Where do I go to get a good price on flowers?

Roseanne: Well, the dumpster behind Spiegelman's Funeral Home.

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Leon Carp: [having a bad case of cold feet with the wedding] What if I am not even really gay?

Roseanne: You couldn't be any gayer if your name was Gay Gayerson.

Leon Carp: Oh yeah! Well you just think about it, young lady. Hmm? I hate to shop! Huh, I am absolutely insensitive. I detest Barbara Streisand. And for God's sake I'm a Republican!

Roseanne: But do you like having sex with men?

Leon Carp: Well it's...

Roseanne: [interrupt with a shout] Gay!

Leon Carp: Oh yeah?

Leon Carp: [plants a huge kiss on Roseanne] I'm gay. Let's do it.

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Scott: I love you in a way that is mystical and eternal and illegal in 20 states.

Leon Carp: That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

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Leon Carp: Roseanne what is all this?

Roseanne: It's a gay wedding!

Leon Carp: This isn't a wedding it's a circus! You have somehow managed to take every gay stereotype and just, roll them up into one gigantic, offensive, Roseanniacle ball of wrong!

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Leon's Mother: Oh Roseanne. Oh, Leon's told me a great deal about you, but uh, the Polaroids didn't quite prepare me.

Roseanne: How wonderful it is that you were able to get that house off of you in time for the wedding.

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Roseanne: This guy writes out a check for his meal and he screws me out of a tip.

Nancy Bartlett: Oh great, now I have to follow him home and drive around on his lawn.

Roseanne: [to Scott] We'd fire her but she's got the best attitude here.

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Scott: So this is Roseanne. Prove it. Do that thing where you spew bile and scare young children.

Roseanne: Oh, I only do that at the Christmas party.

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Scott: With the money we save on the wedding planner, we could afford that honeymoon trip in the Bahamas we've always wanted.

Leon Carp: Scott, I was thinking we'd be going to Greece, myself.

Scott: You can grease yourself in the Bahamas.

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Leon Carp: Marriage is permanent.

Roseanne: No it isn't. I wake up every single morning knowing I could leave Dan if I wanted to. I'm just too damn lazy.

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Leon Carp: The wedding is off!

Roseanne: Well of COURSE it's a little off, it's TWO MEN for God's sake!

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Roseanne: [explaining the wedding cake topper] They wouldn't do two guys, okay, so we broke off the bride, and replaced it with one of the action heroes from Pocahontas.

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Dan Conner: Where's Leon?

Roseanne: Locked in the bathroom.

Dan Conner: [laughing] He locked himself in the bathroom, is he crying?

Roseanne: Well he might be crying by now, I locked him in.

Dan Conner: Why?

Roseanne: He was going to leave!

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Roseanne: [to Dan] So you're gonna have to tackle Leon and drag him down the aisle, but do it so it looks like you're giving him away.

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Leon Carp: What if he doesn't like my cooking?

Roseanne: Then eat out.

Leon Carp: What if I don't like his mother? Hmm? What then?

Roseanne: Then stay in.

Leon Carp: Scott says he's not himself in the morning until he has a Pop-Tart. What if they stop making Pop-Tarts?

Roseanne: [as they yell over each other] Leon, Leon, LISTEN TO ME. They will *NEVER* stop making Pop-Tarts!

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Roseanne: When you pictured him getting married, you probably weren't expecting this, but you probably pictured him marrying somebody who truly loves him, and that is what's going on here. Love is blind. At least you're getting a nice addition to your family. That's my son-in-law over there.

Leon's Mother: Oh, I am *so* sorry.

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