Red Dwarf (TV Series)
The Last Day (1989)
Craig Charles: Lister
Lister : [Kryten has been informed that he is about to reach his expiry date and will be shut down] How can you just lie back and accept it?
Kryten : Oh, it's not the end for me, sir, it's just the beginning. I have served my human masters and now I can look forward to my reward in Silicon Heaven.
Lister : Silicon what?
Kryten : Surely you've heard of Silicon Heaven?
Lister : Has it got anything to do with being stuck opposite Brigitte Nielsen in a packed lift?
Kryten : No. It's the electronic afterlife. It's the gathering place for the souls of all electronic equipment. Robots, calculators, toasters, hairdryers. It's our final resting place.
Lister : I don't mean to say anything out of place here, Kryten, but that is completely whacko Jacko. There is no such thing as 'Silicon Heaven'.
Kryten : Then where do all the calculators go?
Lister : They don't go anywhere. They just die.
Kryten : But surely you believe that God is in all things? Aren't you a pantheist?
Lister : Yeah, but I just don't think it applies to kitchen utensils. I'm not a FRYING pantheist. Machines do not have souls. Computers and calculators do not have an afterlife. You don't get hairdryers with tiny little wings, sitting on clouds, playing harps.
Kryten : But of course you do. For is it not written in the Electronic Bible, "The iron shall lie down with the lamp"? Oh, it's common sense, sir. If there weren't a better life to look forward to, why on Earth would machines spend the whole of their lives servicing humankind? Now that would be really dumb.
Lister : Yeah, it makes sense. Silicon Heaven.
Kryten : Don't be sad, Mr. David, sir. I am going to a far, far better place.
Lister : Just out of interest, is Silicon Heaven the same place as human heaven?
Kryten : Human heaven? Goodness me! Humans don't go to heaven. Oh no, someone just made that up to prevent you from all going nuts.
Kryten : [waking up after a night of partying] Oh, my goodness... Oh... my head. Oh, what happened to me? Damage control report. Oh! Dehydration level, 45%. Recall of previous evening, 2%. Embarrassment factor, 91%! Advised repair schedule; reboot startup disc, offline for 36 hours and replace head. Boy! What a night!
[others groan and start to wake]
Kryten : Is it just me, or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?
Rimmer : Kryten, it's called a hangover, don't panic.
Lister : We're on a mining ship, three million years into deep space... can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?
The Cat : Hey! It's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's the police woman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!
Lister : No offense, Rimmer, but that is completely wacko-jacko.
Rimmer : Everyone's entitled to their beliefs, Lister. I never agreed with my parents' religion, but I wouldn't dream of knocking it.
Lister : What were they?
Rimmer : Seventh Day Advent Hop-ists. They believed that every Sunday should be spent hopping. They would hop to church, hop through the service, then hop back home again. I tell you, Sunday lunchtimes were a nightmare - we all had to wear sou'westers and asbestos underpants. You see, they took the Bible literally - Adam and Eve, the snake and the apple, took it word for word. Unfortunately, their version had a misprint. It was all based on 1 Corinthians 13: "Faith, Hop and Charity, and the greatest of these is Hop."
[everyone is drunk]
Lister : What are you saying, Rimmer?
Rimmer : I'm saying that there is a very real possibility that your parents were brother and sister.
Lister : Hey. I'm pouring me heart out here.
Rimmer : How many toes have you got?
Lister : Ten.
The Cat : Yeah, on both feet.
Lister : Altogether.
Kryten : They're not webbed or anything are they?
Lister : Look, they weren't related, all right?
[Kryten falls off his chair]
Lister : The point is what are we going to do about Kryten?
Rimmer : What can we do? He's pre-preprogrammed to self-destruct.
Lister : We can make sure he goes out with a bang, give him one last big smegging night to remember!
Rimmer : How do we do that? He doesn't like doing anything. His idea of a good time is for us all to go up to the laundry room and fold some sheets.
Rimmer : "Fun? Ah, yes, the employment of time in a profitless and non-practical way."
Lister : Hey, I don't know much. But what I do know is how to throw a good time.