Red Dwarf (TV Series)

The Last Day (1989)

Craig Charles: Lister

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Quotes 

• Lister : [Kryten has been informed that he is about to reach his expiry date and will be shut down]  How can you just lie back and accept it?

  Kryten : Oh, it's not the end for me, sir, it's just the beginning. I have served my human masters and now I can look forward to my reward in Silicon Heaven.

  Lister : Silicon what?

  Kryten : Surely you've heard of Silicon Heaven?

  Lister : Has it got anything to do with being stuck opposite Brigitte Nielsen in a packed lift?

  Kryten : No. It's the electronic afterlife. It's the gathering place for the souls of all electronic equipment. Robots, calculators, toasters, hairdryers. It's our final resting place.

  Lister : I don't mean to say anything out of place here, Kryten, but that is completely whacko Jacko. There is no such thing as 'Silicon Heaven'.

  Kryten : Then where do all the calculators go?

  Lister : They don't go anywhere. They just die.

  Kryten : But surely you believe that God is in all things? Aren't you a pantheist?

  Lister : Yeah, but I just don't think it applies to kitchen utensils. I'm not a FRYING pantheist. Machines do not have souls. Computers and calculators do not have an afterlife. You don't get hairdryers with tiny little wings, sitting on clouds, playing harps.

  Kryten : But of course you do. For is it not written in the Electronic Bible, "The iron shall lie down with the lamp"? Oh, it's common sense, sir. If there weren't a better life to look forward to, why on Earth would machines spend the whole of their lives servicing humankind? Now that would be really dumb.

  Lister : Yeah, it makes sense. Silicon Heaven.

  Kryten : Don't be sad, Mr. David, sir. I am going to a far, far better place.

  Lister : Just out of interest, is Silicon Heaven the same place as human heaven?

  Kryten : Human heaven? Goodness me! Humans don't go to heaven. Oh no, someone just made that up to prevent you from all going nuts.

• Kryten : Is this the human quality you call friendship?

  Lister : Don't give me any of that Star Trek crap. It's too early in the morning.

• Rimmer : I used to be in the Samaritans.

  Lister : I know. For one morning.

  Rimmer : I couldn't take any more.

  Lister : I don't blame you. You spoke to five people and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number. He only phoned up for the cricket scores.

• Lister : Kryten 2X4B 523P? Is that your full name?

  Kryten : Yes, but I don't like the 2X4B. Such a dorky middle name. Then again, I knew an android who's middle name was 2Q4B.

• Kryten : [waking up after a night of partying]  Oh, my goodness... Oh... my head. Oh, what happened to me? Damage control report. Oh! Dehydration level, 45%. Recall of previous evening, 2%. Embarrassment factor, 91%! Advised repair schedule; reboot startup disc, offline for 36 hours and replace head. Boy! What a night!

  [others groan and start to wake] 

  Kryten : Is it just me, or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?

  Rimmer : Kryten, it's called a hangover, don't panic.

  Lister : We're on a mining ship, three million years into deep space... can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?

  The Cat : Hey! It's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's the police woman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!

• [to Hudzen - Kryten's larger, more powerful, scarier replacement] 

  Lister : He's not leaving. You are.

  [pause] 

  Lister : Did I just say that?

• Kryten : At 0700 hours tomorrow morning my shutdown disk will be activated and all mental and physical operations will cease.

  Lister : Then what?

  Kryten : I don't know, maybe I'll get a job as disk jockey.

• Lister : No offense, Rimmer, but that is completely wacko-jacko.

  Rimmer : Everyone's entitled to their beliefs, Lister. I never agreed with my parents' religion, but I wouldn't dream of knocking it.

  Lister : What were they?

  Rimmer : Seventh Day Advent Hop-ists. They believed that every Sunday should be spent hopping. They would hop to church, hop through the service, then hop back home again. I tell you, Sunday lunchtimes were a nightmare - we all had to wear sou'westers and asbestos underpants. You see, they took the Bible literally - Adam and Eve, the snake and the apple, took it word for word. Unfortunately, their version had a misprint. It was all based on 1 Corinthians 13: "Faith, Hop and Charity, and the greatest of these is Hop."

• [everyone is drunk] 

  Lister : What are you saying, Rimmer?

  Rimmer : I'm saying that there is a very real possibility that your parents were brother and sister.

  Lister : Hey. I'm pouring me heart out here.

  Rimmer : How many toes have you got?

  Lister : Ten.

  The Cat : Yeah, on both feet.

  Lister : Altogether.

  Kryten : They're not webbed or anything are they?

  Lister : Look, they weren't related, all right?

  [Kryten falls off his chair] 

• Lister : The point is what are we going to do about Kryten?

  Rimmer : What can we do? He's pre-preprogrammed to self-destruct.

  Lister : We can make sure he goes out with a bang, give him one last big smegging night to remember!

  Rimmer : How do we do that? He doesn't like doing anything. His idea of a good time is for us all to go up to the laundry room and fold some sheets.

  [Impersonating Kryten] 

  Rimmer : "Fun? Ah, yes, the employment of time in a profitless and non-practical way."

  Lister : Hey, I don't know much. But what I do know is how to throw a good time.