David Brent: We have access to the internet. But it isn't censored, is that a good or a bad thing?
David Brent: Well, that's not for us to say. But I can type in, say, 'sex... fetish'. It takes a little while. There. two thousand, two hundred and thirty matches. Just click on one, at random. Aaaagh, there. 'Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs'. Now, you don't punish anyone, Dutch or otherwise, for having big boobs.
Gareth: If anything, they should be rewarded.
David Brent: They should be *equal*.
Gareth: Women are equal.
David Brent: I've always said that, so...
[Jennifer has just been insulted in the warehouse by the warehouse crew]
Jennifer Taylor-Clark: I just can't believe their total lack of respect.
David Brent: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not only did they undermine you in an authoritative sense, but they left an image in my mind of you naked on all fours literally being done doggy style.
Gareth: In this room I have special...
Gareth: No, in this room I am a special...
Tim: ...needs child?
Gareth: No, and that's not even funny.
David Brent: The thing is though, no-one's dispensable in my book, because we're like one big organism, one big animal. The guys upstairs on the phones, they're like the mouth. The guys down here, the hands.
Jennifer Taylor-Clark: And what part are you?
David Brent: Good question. Probably the humour.
[a pornographic picture with Brent's head superimposed on is discovered on someone's email]
David Brent: Who else has seen this filth?
[everyone puts their hand up, including Joan the cleaning lady]
David Brent: You haven't even got email, Joan.
Joan: Someone printed it out for me.
David Brent: Who printed this out for Joan?
[everyone puts their hand up again]
David Brent: Well. I'm angry. And not because I'm in it, but because it degrades women, which I hate. And the culprit, whoever he is, is in this room. Or she, it could be a woman. Women are as filthy as men. Not naming any names - I don't know any - but women... are... dirty.
David Brent: Donna, yeah? My responsibility. Away from home. I know boys will be boys...
Gareth: Hands off.
David Brent: Yeah.
Gareth: Out of bounds.
David Brent: Yeah.
Gareth: Look but don't touch.
David Brent: [annoyed] What d'you mean by 'look'.
Gareth: Talk to her, be friendly, don't get any ideas.
David Brent: Yeah. Good.
Gareth: What if she's up for it?
[trying to find out who did a dirty picture of David Brent]
Gareth: Do you know who done the picture?
Keith: Yeah... no, I mean no.
Gareth: Right. Your first answer was 'yeah', wasn't it?
Keith: I meant no.
Gareth: Well, why did you get...?
Keith: Uhh... I don't know.
Gareth: Am I making you nervous?
Keith: No. I mean, yeah.
Gareth: Hmmm. That's interesting.
David Brent: [to Donna and Dawn] If you do have any trouble from the men, what does she do, Dawn?
Dawn: Kick them in the balls.
David Brent: Oh! Feminist.
Gareth: [jokingly] Get your bra off.
David Brent: [to Gareth, defensively] Do you want to go out, as well?
Gareth: Sorry, burn your bra. Feminists.
Gareth: Do you know te phrase 'softly, softly, catchie monkey'? I could catch a monkey. If I was starving, I could. I'd make poisoned darts out of the poison of frogs 'o deadly frogs.
Gareth: I could catch a monkey. If I was starving I could. I'd make poison darts out of the poison of the deadly frogs. One milligram of that poison can kill a monkey. Or a man. Prick yourself and you'd be dead within a day. Or longer. Different frogs, different times.
Gareth: People look at me, they say he's tough, he was in the army he's gonna be hard, by the book. But I am caring, and sensitive. Isn't Schindler's List a brilliant film?
David Brent: Look at this - "Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs". Now you do not punish a girl, Dutch or otherwise, for having big boobs.
Gareth: If anything they should be rewarded.
David Brent: No, they should be equal.
David Brent: Have you heard George Michael's latest release?
David Brent: No? George Michael's latest song... his release, though...
Tim: Is it about blow jobs?
David Brent: Yeah, that thing in the toilet. It was a hand job...
Donna: Is it 'Wank Me Off Before You Go-Go'?