- Harry Stone: Mister Tuttle, do you have anything to say?
- Mr. Tuttle: [long pauses between every word] ... Yes.
- Harry Stone: [not presently aware Tuttle is a very slow talker] Well then go ahead.
- Mr. Tuttle: ...Well... it's... a... long... story.
- Harry Stone: [dreadfully aware, now, that Tuttle is a slow talker] Why am I seeing my life flashing before my eyes?
- Christine Sullivan: [feels the judge's pain] Well, he does have a legal right to speak, Your Honor.
- Harry Stone: Okay Mister Tuttle, let 'er rip!
- Mr. Tuttle: ...Thank... you... I'll... be... brief.
- Harry Stone: [an elderly defendant is on trial for prostitution. Several elderly men in wheelchairs cheer for her] Mr. Reynolds, were all these men this happy before they met Mrs. Smith?
- Mr. Reynolds: No. But they could all walk.
- Mrs. Smith: [about her prostitution] Sometimes I do it for pudding.
- Dan Fielding: Sometimes I do it *in* pudding.
- Mrs. Smith: Sometimes I do it for green stamps. And sometimes I do it just for kicks.
- Bull Shannon: [to Roz] Can you imagine degrading yourself for green stamps?
- Roz Russell: Sure. By now I would have enough for that sail boat.
- Bull Shannon: [the staff don't know why a man, a monk, on trial won't talk] Maybe when he was eight some kid dared him to stick his tounge to a frozen flagpole. And it got torn out, leaving only a pulpy, meaty stub.
- Roz Russell: You've been taking the toaster into the tub again, haven't you?
- Harry Stone: [defendants are on trial for book burning] I feel it's my responsibility to set an example by fining radical extremists like this with every ounce of power that this state has seen fit to grant me!
- Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: [reads the title of a salvaged book] "The Genius of Barry Manilow."
- Harry Stone: [bangs gavel] One dollar!
- Bull Shannon: Mr. Tartikoff, what's the secret of your success?
- Brandon Tartikoff: Luck and timing play a big part. But I also pride myself on being a man of principle and integrity. You see, I will kowtow to *no one.*
- Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: Excuse me, a Mr. Cosby is on the phone for you.
- Brandon Tartikoff: The sandwiches! Tell him I already left!
- [leaves]
- Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: [on the phone] He's on his way. Why don't you suck on one of those pudding pops while you're waiting?
- Harry Stone: Mr. Tuttle, I got one question for you. Do you or do you not want to press charges?
- Mr. Tuttle: ...No.
- Harry Stone: [yells] Why the hell didn't you just say that to begin with?
- Mr. Tuttle: ...Well...
- Harry Stone: [fed up] Case dismissed!
- Mrs. Smith: [offers herself to Dan after Sheila rejects him for Mr. Tuttle] I'll wait for you downstairs. Don't knock it till you tried it.
- [she leaves]
- Food Vendor: Hey pal, did I get your order?
- Dan Fielding: [after a moment decides to take Mrs. Smith up on her offer. To the vendor] Give me ten puddings.
- Bull Shannon: [leading the two 'gods' from the courtroom. In a low voice] Going my way?
- [he laughs]
- God No. 2: [to God No. 1] And I thought I screwed up when I made the platypus.