Al: You know Peg, I hate it when your mother weebles down here for her little midnight snacks which last until... nine in the morning.
Peggy: Mom does not eat between meals.
Al: Oh no, Peg, because in order for her to eat between meals, the first meal has to end.
Peggy: Al, don't you know how traumatic this is for me? I now come from a broken home.
Al: [indicating the bent-out stair railing] As do I.
Peggy: Oh, give Mom a break. She's distraught.
Al: She is humongous!
Peg's Mom: [voice-over] I'm just retaining water.
Al: [quitely] The Hoover Dam is retaining water. She's retaining Skittles!
Peg's Mom: [voice] Did someone say "Skittles"? Now I'm hungry again.
Marcy: I do remember my first apartment. My roommate and I were both single, both bursting with ripe, flowering womanhood. The sexual revolution was in full swing and we were a-happening.
Peggy: Wow. I'll bet you were having sex all the time.
Marcy: No, that cheap slut of a roommate stole all my boyfriends. I've never forgiven Mom for that.
Jefferson: Well, let me tell you a little bit about my own swinging bachelor pad: mirror ball on the ceiling, water bed on the floor, fake medical degrees on the wall. Oh God, I have fun at that place.
Marcy: Have? Jefferson, you don't still own that place, do you?
Jefferson: Um... No. And it's not where I go Thursdays when I say I'm playing racquetball.
Peggy: I've always wanted some place where I could stretch out and do nothing.
Al: Well get in the car, I'll take you to the morgue.
Jefferson: Come on, Al, you should be proud that your son is moving out and becoming a man.
Al: My son is burrowing down and becoming a mole. Besides, as bad as this is, you just know that something worse is gonna happen. Don't you know all horrible things happen in threes: celebrity deaths, Pauly Shore movies, Wilson Phillips. In my own case: marrying Peg, Bud not moving out and, 3... 2... 1...
Peggy: Al, something horrible has happened.
Al: The hell you say.
Peggy: My parents had a terrible fight and now Mom left and Dad can't find her.
Al: Did he look behind the Rockies?
Al: Who the hell would put a bear-trap in an outhouse?
Ephraim Wanker: They wouldn't. That ain't no bear-trap, that's a human-trap.
Al: Well, why would you want to trap a human?
Ephraim Wanker: I don't know, ask the bears, them was the ones who put it in there.
Twichy: Ephraim, how much you want for that wading pool?
Ephraim Wanker: That ain't no wading pool. That's my little darling's shower cap. That ain't for sale, you son of an onion.
Al: Hey, Ephrum, hang on a second. You know, you're a braver man than I am. If my wife left me I'd be dancing on the deck of the Good Ship Hooter-Pop. With a smile on my face, and my face on a smile. Ah, the times that I'd have. But you know, in a strange way I have to respect your loyalty. It's not every man who would stand by a woman who's large enough to have her own fire escape. No, Ephrum, I've gotta hand it to you. You're...
[He notices Ephraim isn't there]
Al: Gone. Ephrum, get back here, you son of an onion.
Al: Somehow or another, someone, I'm not saying who, said something about Good Ship Hooter-Pop, and before you know it, there was a 70-year-old hillbilly popping wheelies on a thresher and saying how he'd never marry a family member again.
Peggy: This is all your fault. You have ruined a perfectly happy marriage.
Al: Yet I remain in a perfectly dreadful one.
[a large shadow appears at the Bundy's front door in which everyone, but Peggy, looks on with horror]
Peg's Mom: [voice-over] Margaret, open the door! It's your mother, and I'm hungry!
Peggy: Al, you failed me. You failed to bring Dad back here so he could take her back. You know what this means?
Al: [whimpering] Oh no, not sex Peg! Please, I just need a little more time until I find him.
Peggy: No, not that. I want you to help me give Mom a sitz bath.
[Al's eyes widen with horror]
Al: Can't we just have sex instead?
Peggy: If you men only knew what we do to keep a marriage alive. Watching Oprah all day so that we have something interesting to talk to you about. Dressing like this
[gestures at herself]
Peggy: to keep you excited. Taking beauty naps to reverse the aging process. And spending all your money so you feel like a good provider. That is how I sacrifice for you, Al Bundy. It is a thankless, exhausting job but I do it. And the only thing I ask in return is that you bring Dad back here. And you fail. You know what this means.
[She grabs him by the arm and leads him upstairs]
Al: [panicked] Oh no Peg, Peg no sex now, Peg. Please, I just need a little more time. I'll find him.
Peggy: I want you to help me give Mom a sits-bath.
[Al's eyes widen in horror]
Al: Can't we have sex instead?
Jefferson: So, where's the man who's ready to leave home and go bag some babes?
Al: Right here.
Marcy: Oh please, you couldn't bag your own wife.
Al: No, I could bag her. But it doesn't do me any good. I still remember what she looks like.