Jessica: So, the stupid cops let my Dad off with another warning. We've lived in this neighborhood for three weeks and they still haven't carted him off yet.
Reese: No! Jessica, you don't get to keep barging in here every day like you own the place. Go back outside and knock. And then go away!
Jessica: Seriously, what do you have to do to get popped for drunk and disorderly around here? He was out on the curb in his underwear, rolling burning trash cans into the street.
Malcolm: The sad thing is that we're still the worst family on the block.
Dewey: [to Hal] What are you doing?
Hal: Well, you know that jerk across the street, who's always got it in for me?
Dewey: Parking jerk or lawnmower jerk?
Hal: No, Christmas jerk. Bill Rendell. Every year, that guy waits to see what decorations I put out, and then finds a way to top me. I string lights, he strings better lights. I put out Frosty, he puts out an elf village. I put out Dracula, he does nothing, and I look like a jackass. I mean, what kind of sick mind uses a religious holiday as a weapon?
Dewey: Wait, which one's "call the cops" jerk?
Hal: That's like four of 'em.
Lois: Well, after six months of scrimping and saving and going up to $28,000 in debt, we are now down to $26,000 in debt.
Hal: Look out, world. We're back.
Jessica: [to Malcolm] I need your calculus notes. I couldn't understand a word Mr Jacobsen was saying under that stupid golf shirt. How could a man have nipples that big?