Hawkeye: [Hawkeye is talking to Major Burns on the phone, presumably for the last time] Best of luck to you, too, Frank.
Radar: [Hawkeye hangs up phone, then takes it and throws it out the door] Hey, I'm responsible for that!
[runs out door to retrieve phone]
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: You seem a trifle irked.
Hawkeye: The Army, in its infinite wisdom, has not only cleared Frank of all charges, they have assigned him to a Veterans' hospital in Indiana, and promoted him to Lt. Colonel.
Radar: [an angry B.J. attempts to grab the phone from Radar, who has returned with it and is making repairs] Oh, no!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I was just going to complain to my congressman!
[attempts to grab it again]
Radar: Oh, no!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Would you like to talk to Father Mulcahy?
The Sergeant: Okay, but I'm an atheist.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Really?
The Sergeant: Swear to God.
Charles: What is that odor?
Radar: Uh, north wind, cesspool, east wind, latrine.
Charles: The wind is from the south.
Radar: Oh, that's the kitchen.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Charles is listening to classical music on his victrola] Hey, we got us a new record player.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Please, Beej. Mozart. Have you no respect for classical music?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Are you kidding? I got the William Tell Overture... by Spike Jones.
Charles: Sir, my father knows Harry Truman. He doesn't like him, but he knows him.
Col. Potter: Fine, you have dad call Harry, then have Harry call me, and then we will work something out. In the mean time, vamoose.
Charles: Yes, sir, I am... vamoosing. But know this. You can cut me off from the civilized world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice daily swill, but you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer.
Col. Potter: I think he's starting to get the hang of this place.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [of the broken phone] Somebody madder than you got to it first.
Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Corporal, there is no one madder than me.
[Winchester is having his part of the Swamp cleaned by a local]
Korean Woman: Finish!
Charles: You have not done the corners!
Korean Woman: Finish!
Charles: You haven't made my bed!
Korean Woman: Finish!
Col. Horace Baldwin: For the next 48 hours, you belong to a MASH unit that's short a man.
Charles: MASH? That's one of those traveling medicine shows, isn't it?
Col. Horace Baldwin: Right. Grab the next flight to Seoul and get out to Colonel Potter at the 4077th.
Charles: Why send your best doctor into a war zone?
Col. Horace Baldwin: Relax. It's just like two days here... except for the artillery... and the snakes. Better get moving, Winchester.
Charles: Surely you jest.
Col. Horace Baldwin: Surely you *go.*
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major Winchester, sir, may I ask a question?
Charles: You may.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Could I stop by sometime for a cup of ego?
Col. Potter: You're staying because I need you.
Charles: [incensed] And if I refuse?
Col. Potter: You'll be making gravel at Leavenworth! Comprende?
Charles: [resigned] Comprendo.
Hawkeye: [after finding in his own bed the snake he and BJ had put in Charles' bed, to Charles, who is listening to classical music] Clever, very clever.
Charles: [looking over shoulder] Please, Mozart.
Col. Potter: [Hawkeye and B.J. learn that Major Winchester has permanently replaced Frank Burns] Would you rather have Burns?
Hawkeye: He was more fun to be cruel to.
Capt. Schaeffer: [Klinger and Capt. Schaeffer enter Potter's office, presumably to review Klinger's eligibility for a Section 8 discharge] Well, I expected more officers, a review board?
Col. Potter: Road apples, Private!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Captain, Colonel.
Col. Potter: Private, Corporal!
Capt. Schaeffer: Tsk... caught again.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: You're my lawyer!
Col. Potter: Your lawyer's a buck private, and he's no lawyer.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: W-w-wait...!
Col. Potter: Button it, button it!
Capt. Schaeffer: Let him talk.
Col. Potter: According to his captain, a REAL captain, Schaeffer's been bucking for a Section 8 longer than you have! Busted twice, done four months in the stockade. He's impersonated a doctor, a bombardier, a tank commander, even a chaplain!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: A chaplain!
Capt. Schaeffer: Somewhere in America, 25 couples are living in sin!
Charles: [Upon surveying the camp] A charming place, an inflamed boil on the buttocks of the world.
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: You shyster! Why did you lie to me, get my hopes up?
Capt. Schaeffer: I figured you'd understand, you're my own kind!
Col. Potter: [Potter whistles for the MP's, they enter] He's all yours, boys.
Capt. Schaeffer: Well, hang in there, Klinger!
[begins to leave with the MP's]
Capt. Schaeffer: I was an MP once, too!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: I feel like crying.