Ted Mosby: [to someone in a big penguin costume] Excuse me? This is going to sound crazy, but... I met someone on this roof four years ago, and they mixed that cocktail, and they loved penguins... by any chance, was that you?
[the penguin seems to smile]
Ted Mosby: It's you. Everyone thought I was crazy, but...
[the penguin unmasks to reveal Barney underneath]
Barney: You are such a LOSER.
Ted Mosby: Arrgh!
Barney: Come on, I came back for you, Ted. I penguin-suited up to show you the error of your ways. And to score Hula Girl's number. Check and check.
Ted Mosby: Unbelievable.
Barney: You know what I love about Halloween? It's the one night of the year chicks use to unleash their inner ho-bag. If a girl dresses up as a witch, she's a slutty witch. If she's a cat, she's a slutty cat. If she's a nurse...
Lily Aldrin: Wow, we get it.
Barney: ...she's a slutty nurse.
Barney: Okay, here's the plan, and I crap you not. I am getting us into the Victoria's Secret Halloween party. Trust me, by the end of the night, your chad will not be hanging.
Ted Mosby: We can get rejected by supermodels any day of the year. Tonight, I'm gonna go up tp the roof, I'm gonna have a few beers, I'm gonna wait for the slutty pumpkin. It's just what I do.
Barney: [weighing the options on his hand] Hmm.
Barney: Victoria's Secret models prancing around in bras and panties, or
Barney: Yale preppies reuniting their stupid acapella group.
[pretends to hear his left hand say something]
Barney: What's that, left hand? Right hand sucks? Word.
Ted Mosby: I'm heading up to the roof.
Barney: [to his hands] Well, boys, looks like it's just you and me.
[pretending to hear his hand talk again]
Barney: What's that? Self-five? Nice.
[gives himself a high five]
Barney: We out!
Barney: [at the lame roof party] I can't believe you talked me into this.
Ted Mosby: I didn't, you followed me up here.
Barney: Okay, I'm leaving. But just know, this Victoria's Secret party is on a yacht! And what will be sticking to that yacht? The Barnicle!
Ted Mosby: Really? That's the nickname now?
Barney: Yeah, the Barnicle!
Ted Mosby: Barnicle Barney?
Barney: That's it.
Barney: Barnicle out!
Ted Mosby: Have fun, Barnicle.
Ted Mosby: [seeing Barney in a devil costume] Barney? What, you're back?
Barney: That's right.
Ted Mosby: In a totally new costume.
Barney: Every Halloween I bring a spare costume. In case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second chance to make a first impression.
[Barney is still dressed as a Devil]
Ted Mosby: I have to pee.
Barney: So go to the bathroom.
Ted Mosby: No, there's a huge line, and I don't wanna miss the Slutty Pumpkin.
Barney: So pee off the roof. Ooh! Ted. Pee off the roof.
[some guy dressed as an angel turns around]
Angel: Woah. I wouldn't do that if I were you, there's people walking down there.
Barney: Come on, Ted. Who you gonna listen to? Me or Mr. goodie-goodie over there?
Angel: Yeah, whatever, you guys got some weed?
Robin Scherbatsky: Everyone else is off falling in love and acting stupid and goofy and sweet and insane, but not me. Why don't I want that more? I *want* to want that... am I wired wrong or something?
Ted Mosby: No... Look, you didn't want to be with me, so clearly you have abismal taste in men...
Ted Mosby: ...but you're wired just fine.
Ted Mosby: I just met the perfect woman. She's funny, she's beautiful, she loves "Star Wars"...
Marshall Eriksen: Woah woah woah, what's her take on Ewoks?
Ted Mosby: Loves them!
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, good. I don't know why people are so cynical about Ewoks, the Rebellion would have failed without the Ewoks.
Ted Mosby: And get this: She's a marine biologist, she spent a year in Antarctica studying penguins.
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, penguins are cool. Kinda like black-and-white Ewoks. I approve.
Lily Aldrin: [dressed as a parrot] All right, Polly gotta pee.
Marshall Eriksen: Again?
[starts following her to the bathroom]
Ted Mosby: Where are you going?
Marshall Eriksen: It's... an elaborate costume.
[in a fighter pilot costume, talking to the hula dancer girl]
Barney: So what does a fella have to do to get laid around here?... Yeah.
Hula Dancer: Right, because I'm wearing a lei...
Barney: Well, it isn't funny if you explain the joke!
[in a devil costume, talking to the hula dancer girl]
Barney: Let me guess, every guy has used the "laid" line on you tonight, huh?
Hula Dancer: You wouldn't believe.
Barney: I apologize for my gender. Let me make it up to you, make you a drink.
Hula Dancer: You certainly are a charming devil.
Barney: I'm also a *horny* devil... Yeah.
Hula Dancer: No.
Barney: Okay, Victoria's Secret party, right now.
Ted Mosby: Nope.
Barney: Come on, I can't stand watching my delusional friend waste another precious Halloween! Ted, the slutty pumpkin is not coming!
Ted Mosby: She *might*.
Ted Mosby: Come on, Barney, this is not about the odds! It's about believing! This girl, she... she represents something to me, I don't know... hope.
Barney: Wow. I did not understand a word you just said.
Hula Dancer: [seeing that Barney is the penguin] Wait a minute. You're that lame army guy!
Barney: What? No, no, that's some other guy. And he was a kick-ass fighter pilot.
Hula Dancer: I cannot believe I gave you my number.
Barney: Yeah, well, you did. Thanks.
Hula Dancer: Yeah, well, give it back.
Barney: Well, uh, I don't think so, I earned it, fair and square. I'm calling you.
Hula Dancer: But I'm never going to go out with you!
Barney: But how will you know it's me. I'm a master of disguise!... Yeah.
[Hula Dancer walks away exasperated]
Lily Aldrin: Baby, I'm so sorry.
Robin Scherbatsky: It's no big deal. He wanted to be a "we" and I wanted to be an "I"... Dudes are such chicks.
Robin Scherbatsky: I never played any team sports.
Ted Mosby: Are we playing "I never," because there's nothing left but peach schnapps.
Robin Scherbatsky: I had a feeling I'd find you here.
Ted Mosby: Oh, hey. If you're here for the Shagarats, you just missed the fourth encore.
Robin Scherbatsky: How do you do this, Ted? How do you sit out here all night, on the roof in the cold and still have faith your pumpkin's gonna show up?
Ted Mosby: Well, I'm pretty drunk...
Barney: This party sucks! There's like 7 chicks here.
[a guy removes his wig]
Barney: There's 6 chicks here!