Older Ted: Kids, your grandma always used to say to me, "Nothing good happens after 2:00 a.m.," and she was right. When 2:00 a.m. rolls around, just go home and go to sleep.
Robin Scherbatsky: Do you want to come over?
Ted: Why? What's up?
Robin Scherbatsky: Well, um, I just finally set up my new juicer and I was going to make some juice, and I was, like, "You know who likes juice? Ted."
Ted: I love juice.
Robin Scherbatsky: Great. So you want to come over and make juice?
Older Ted: When it's after 2:00 a.m., just go to sleep because the decisions you make after 2:00 a.m. are the wrong decisions.
Ted: Okay, sure. I'll come over. We'll... juice.
Robin Scherbatsky: Have you ever had one of those days where nothing at all that monumental happens but by the end of it you have no idea who you are anymore or what the hell you're doing with your life? Do you ever have one of those days?
Ted: Uh, about once a week.
Robin Scherbatsky: [In Lily's class] ... And so the life of a television reporter is very rewarding, and I strongly urge you to consider it as a career. Thank you.
[Girl puts up her hand]
Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah?
Little Girl #1: Do you have a fiancé?
Lily Aldrin: Marshall was here yesterday. They just learned the word "fiancé."
Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, no, I don't have a fiancé.
Little Girl #1: Then who do you live with?
Robin Scherbatsky: Well, actually, I've got five dogs.
Little Girl #1: Don't you get lonely?
Robin Scherbatsky: [With emphasis] No, I've got FIVE dogs.
Little Girl #1: My grandma has five cats and she gets lonely.
Robin Scherbatsky: Well, yeah, that's cats. I'm not some pathetic cat lady. Not that your grandmother is...
Robin Scherbatsky: Does anyone else have a...? Yes?
Little Boy #1: Are you a lesbian?
Robin Scherbatsky: No, are you? Just because a woman lives alone doesn't mean she's a les...
[Lily interrupts her]
Lily Aldrin: Okay, let's have a big hand for Robin the reporter.
Barney Stinson: We haven't reached legendary yet. We're just at the "le." We still have the "gen", the "da", the "ry"
Lily Aldrin: Well if we're at the "le" I say we follow it up with a "t's go home."
Marshall Eriksen: Oh, you just got burned, phonics style.
Ted: I got some vegetables. I got carrots, I got beets...
Robin Scherbatsky: Or we could just drink vine.
Ted: Vine not. Huh. That's the stupidest thing I've ever said.
Ted: [Imaging a conversation with Victoria] I don't even like Robin that way.
Victoria: Then why are you picturing what Robin looks like naked?
Ted: I'm not picturing - Okay, even if I am picturing that, it's only because you put it in my head.
Victoria: Ah, but I am just a manifestation of your subconscious, so actually, you put it in your own head.
Marshall Eriksen: [about Robin telling Barney she likes Ted] Wait. So I'm the only one that she didn't tell? She told you and not me?
Barney Stinson: Well, I guess I'm just better friends with her than you are.
Marshall Eriksen: Well, I'm better friends with Ted than you are.
Barney Stinson: That is a lie!
Marshall Eriksen: It is not a lie.
[Both Stand up and start simultaneously yelling at each other]
Barney Stinson: Okay, that's it! You and me! I'm not afraid of you!
Marshall Eriksen: I'll show you things you never seen before! I used to box in the Army!
Barney Stinson: [after Lily tells Ted that Robin likes him] Lily, here's what you just said: "Ted, whatever you do, don't go up there. There's a beautiful girl who wants to have sex with you.
Marshall Eriksen: And then she's gonna make you some delicious juice.
Marshall Eriksen: Ted, I don't want to swear in front of Korean Elvis, but what the bleep are you doing, dude?
Korean Elvis: [On the phone] Ted, this is your main man, K.E. I want you to shake your tail feathers down here ASAP, you dig?
Marshall Eriksen: [Takes the phone] Sorry about that.
Ted: Was that Korean Elvis?
Marshall Eriksen: I'll explain later.
Lily Aldrin: Okay, it's time for bed.
Barney Stinson: What? No. It's 2:30.
Lily Aldrin: Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 a.m.
Barney Stinson: You know, I have found, in my travels... that all the best things in life happen after 2:00 a.m. When I look back at the best stories of my life - the Liberty Bell incident, the little scrape I got in at the Russian Embassy, the almost four-way.
Marshall Eriksen: You never had a four-way.
Barney Stinson: I said "almost." All those things happened after 2:00 a.m; because after 2 AM is when things get- audience say it with me- LEGENDARY.
Ted: I made up my mind, I'm gonna end it with Victoria
Lily Aldrin: Gonna?
Ted: Yes. First thing tomorrow
Lily Aldrin: Ok, but, as of... right now, at 2.45 a.m you still have a girlfriend!
Lily Aldrin: Ted, I love you. I love Robin, but if you do this right now, your entire future with her will be build on a crime.
Lily Aldrin: Just go home Ted, don't do this the wrong way
Ted: I hate how you're always right
Lily Aldrin: It's my best and most annoying trait
Sandy Rivers: We should have sex.
Robin Scherbatsky: [Stunned] What?
Sandy Rivers: Why not? We're both available, we're both attractive, we're both good at it. At least, I'm good at it. And even if you're not, don't worry, I'll have a good time either way.