Rose Nylund: [running a telethon by herself with only Blanche to man the phones] While Blanche is doing that, why don't I head on over to the piano? I'd like to sing you a song that I used to sing as a child. It's an old Minnesotan farm song entitled "I Never Thought I'd Grow a Hair There."
[plays a piano intro, then sings]
Rose Nylund: Oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, Oh what the hell is that...
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, we just got a pledge for twenty dollars.
Rose Nylund: Oh! Let's go to the tote board. Drum roll!
[grabs drum sticks and plays a roll, then hits the cymbal. $20 comes up on the tote board.]
Rose Nylund: We're off to a good start. OK, now where was I? Oh, yes! Where Hans first spots the hair. Oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa, oom-pa-pa...
Blanche Devereaux: Rose! Rose, I just got a pledge for fifty dollars if you will stop singing.
Sophia Petrillo: [over the phone to Blanche] That's right. Fifty bucks if she stops singing, and I'll throw in another fifty if you slam the piano lid on her fingers.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, what are you doing?
Sophia Petrillo: Filling sandbags, Dorothy, there's a hurricane a-comin'.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: A-comin'?
Sophia Petrillo: That's right. People only use the "a-" when a really big storm is a-comin' or a-brewin',
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, the weather report said nothing about a hurricane.
Sophia Petrillo: Ida Perlberg down at the Senior Center woke up this morning with a leg cramp. Need I say more?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Yes.
Sophia Petrillo: Dorothy, when you get around my age, two things happen: one, you get more intuitive about the weather; and two, corn becomes your enemy.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Ma, even if there is a hurricane a-comin...
Sophia Petrillo: Don't patronize me.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I'm not patronizing you, I'm a-mockin' you.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: It's so hard to dress for a psychiatrist. You wear black, they think you're depressed. You wear red, they think you're angry.
Blanche Devereaux: You wear a negligee, they think you want to sleep with them.
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Why aren't you arrested more?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: In every relationship, there are always times when you don't want to be with each other. I mean, Stan and I went through a period when we had no marital relations at all. I totally cut off his sex.
Rose Nylund: You mean it grows back?
Blanche Devereaux: [Dorothy has just returned from her last therapy session with former husband Stan] Oh, you're back from your session early. Was it as cathartic as you thought?
Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Well, I don't know if "cathartic" is the word.
Rose Nylund: You should do what I do. I find if I repeat a word that's confused me, I look smarter than I really am. Like, "Was it cathartic? Oh, I've had a catharticism. 'Course, I'm not the type to kiss and catharterize."