Angie Lopez: We've already grounded Max, no TV for a month.
Benny: Oh yeah, 30 days without the talking sponge, that's gonna hurt.
Max Lopez: I've got a better idea. Why don't you take your tired old ass back home, Grandma?
[Benny slaps him]
Angie Lopez: When you slapped Max you hurt his identity.
Benny: No, I'm sure that's about two feet lower.
Benny: In my day, disciplining your kids is now called child abuse. Keeping an eye on your man is now called stalking. Hell, back then, no meant yes, at least it did with me.
[Max doesn't get it]
Benny: Anyway... I guess what I'm saying is... well, here's a twenty, are we cool?
Max Lopez: Yeah, we're cool. I'm sorry about what I said.Grandma.
Benny: Ah forget it, we all say stupid stuff.
Max Lopez: Grandma, did your dad ever say he gave up on you?
Benny: Max, where's this coming from?
Max Lopez: I'm falling behind in school and Dad says he's quitting me.
Benny: Wow, you know my dad might've beaten me like an old rug but he never gave up on me. You might think about getting your crap together.
Carmen Lopez: So Max fails and he gets to do anything he wants? If I fail geometry can I get my navel pierced?
George Lopez: If you flunk geometry I'll pierce it for you.
Carmen Lopez: [mocking him] Ta loca pierce it for you!
Angie Lopez: We're sorry about that trick of Max's with the pencil up his nose.
Mrs. Reynolds: Thank you, though there are bigger problems than just the kids calling me Earth Butt.
George Lopez: [laughs, Angie scowls at him, stops] Kids can be so cruel.
George Lopez: What kind of job are you going to have if you don't finish high school?
Max Lopez: I can be a pro skateboarder.
George Lopez: Really? Cuz I don't see many pro skaters coming in the house going 'Mommy! My elbow, kiss it!'
Max Lopez: Okay, well I can still work in a skate shop.
George Lopez: So you clear a couple hundred bucks a month.
Max Lopez: A couple hundred dollars? That would be so cool! I could get a nice car, a big house!
George Lopez: Whoa! You can't afford a car and house on your salary. I mean you could, if you lived in a bad neighborhood.
Max Lopez: So I'll live in a bad neighborhood.
George Lopez: [takes his skateboard] Ohhh man, they just stole your car.
Max Lopez: No way.
George Lopez: You could run after them.
Max Lopez: Yeah, I'll get it back.
George Lopez: Ah man, you just got shot!
George Lopez: [to Max] A family is only as smart as its dumbest kid, so let's make that Carmen again.
Carmen Lopez: Hey!
George Lopez: Quiet, I'm teaching.
Angie Lopez: Did Grandma apologize to you?
Max Lopez: [shows his $20 bill] No, but she gave me 20 reasons to get over it.
Angie Lopez: [to Benny] That's your answer? You buy family?
Benny: All those celebrity lesbian couples do it.
George Lopez: Let's see, $20 a smack you owe me about two hundred thousand dollars.
Benny: Ah shut your identity hole!