Monica: [to Rachel, at the end of the pilot] Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're gonna love it.
Joey: Okay, Ross, you're gettin' a divorce, you're angry, you're hurtin'. Can I tell you what the answer is? Strip joints! Come on! You're single! Have some hormones!
Ross: But I don't want to be single. I just want to be married again.
[Rachel walks in wearing wedding dress]
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars!
Ross: You know, you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a major crush on you.
Rachel: I knew.
Ross: You did. Oh... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.
Rachel: I did.
Chandler: Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.
Joey: I will not take this abuse.
[Walks to the door and opens it to leave]
Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry.
[Burst into song and dances out of the door]
Chandler: Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy!
Rachel: [on the phone with her dad] Well, maybe it's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait. I said maybe.
Rachel: Guess what?
Ross: You got a job?
Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed at in 12 interviews today.
Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat.
Rachel: Well, you would be too if you got new boots with 50% off!
Chandler: Oh, how well you know me.
[Ross is newly divorced from his lesbian wife]
Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, you know? I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, it was only one woman for her.
Joey: What are you talking about? One woman? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing. Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream. This is the best thing that ever happened to you. You got married, you were, what, eight? Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon.
Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Chandler: Stay out of my freezer.
[Rachel is supposed to be cutting up her credit cards]
Everybody: Cut, cut, cut, cut.
Rachel: [cuts a card] You know what? I think we can leave it at that. It was kind of a symbolic gesture...
Monica: Rachel, that was a library card.
[Everybody cheers her on, and she reluctantly cuts a credit card]
Chandler: You know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.
Monica: [wide grin on her face] Did you get any sleep? Did you talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling.
Rachel: I know, it looks like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.
Phoebe: Ooh, ugh.
[as Ross sits down on the sofa, Pheobe begins "cleansing his aura"]
Ross: Oh, no, no. Stop cleansing my aura.
[she continues to "cleanse his aura"]
Ross: No, just leave my aura alone, okay?
Phoebe: Fine. Be murky.
Ross: I'll be fine, really, you guys. I hope she'll be very happy.
Monica: No, you don't.
Ross: No, I don't! To hell with her! She left me!
Joey: You never knew she was a lesbian?
Ross: [stares at Joey] No! Okay? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know?
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.
[everyone stares at Chandler]
Chandler: Did I say that out loud?
Chandler: All right, kids, I've got to get to work. If I don't input those numbers... it doesn't make much of a difference.
Rachel: It's like all my life everybody keeps telling that I'm a shoe. You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're a shoe! But what if I don't want to be a shoe anymore? Maybe I'm a purse, or a hat... I don't want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a hat! It's a metaphore, daddy!
Rachel: I know that you and I kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city
Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding...?
Rachel: Oh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue.
Monica: Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're going to love it.
Monica: Paul, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Paul.
Joey: Hey, Paul, the wine guy.
Ross: Hey, Paul.
Phoebe: Hey, Paul.
Rachel: Hi, Paul.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?
Rachel: Well, it was about half an hour before the wedding and I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents and someone had bought us this beautiful Limoges gravy boat. And I realized I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry. And that's when it hit me how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head!
Ross: Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I grabbed a spoon? Do the words "Billy, don't be a hero" mean anything to you?
Joey: Great story, but I gotta go. I got a date with Angela... Andrea... Oh, man!
Chandler: Andrea's the screamer, Angela has cats.
Joey: Right, thanks. It's Julie. I'm outta here!
Phoebe: I remember when I first came to this city. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my stepdad was back in prison, and I got here and I didn't know anybody, and I ended up living with this albino guy who was like cleaning windshields outside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel.
Joey: [Monica has slept with Paul the Wine Guy on the first date] That 'wasn't a real date.' What the hell do you do on a real date?
Monica: Shut up and move my table back.