"Frasier" You Scratch My Book... (TV Episode 1995) Poster

(TV Series)


David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane



  • [Niles brings Daphne her profit from a stock tip he gave her] 

    Daphne : You have to help me decide what to do with it.

    Niles : Well, you might want to consider letting Wendel re-invest it. That's what I'm doing. It's called "rolling it over."

    [Frasier enters] 

    Daphne : Then I'll do it. Oh, this is so exciting!

    Frasier : What's all this?

    Daphne : Well, your brother just gave me two hundred dollars, and now he's going to roll me over.

    Frasier : Niles?

    Niles : [embarrassed]  Communications breakdown.

    Frasier : Good.

  • [Niles has been giving Daphne phony stock payoffs to get hugs and kisses from her] 

    Niles : The first stock really did pay off, but then the rest all tanked. And what was I supposed to do? Tell that poor, working-class Venus I'd lost her life savings? I had to pay her back and if I threw in a little extra, well, where's the harm in that?

    Frasier : Niles, you are giving a woman money in order to obtain physical affection! We are talking the world's oldest profession. Granted, this is sort of the Walt Disney version, but still. It's wrong, and I insist you stop it.

    Niles : No. It's altruistic, it's noble, it's fun, and you can't make me stop.

  • Niles : Well, I hope you're happy!

    Frasier : Snap out of it! What you were doing was completely dishonest.

    Niles : Ooh, said the pot to the kettle!

    Frasier : What does that mean?

    Niles : I think you know what it means.

    Frasier : Oh, don't be ridiculous! Our two situations are totally different.

    Niles : Oh, really? How so?

    Frasier : Well, for one thing, you've been misleading a woman for your own selfish gain.

    Niles : And so are you!

    Frasier : Well, I'm not finished. She was also trusting you to tell the truth!

    Niles : Oh, and the difference would be?

    Frasier : Your woman is English!

    Niles : Frasier, you've lost this one.

    Frasier : I know, I know. It's just going to take a little while to climb down off of this particular high horse.

  • Dr. Honey Snow : Oh, Dr. Niles Crane. I read a wonderful article you wrote in the Journal of Psychiatric Medicine. Let's see... "Gestalt Therapy, Probing the Subconscious."

    Niles : Yes, and I believe I read your quiz in Cosmo, "Is Your Guy a Stud or a Dud?"

  • Niles : You're dating Dr. Honey Snow? I thought you considered her a complete ninny. What could you possibly see in this...

    [Martin holds up Honey's photo on a book jacket] 

    Niles : WHOA-HO, MAMA!

  • Frasier : Niles, will you please stop giggling? It's very distracting.

    Niles : [reading Honey's manuscript]  I can't help it. Have you read this?

    Frasier : I'm trying to recommend the book. Reading it doesn't help.

  • Niles : What are you all dressed up for? Hot date?

    Frasier : As a matter of fact, yes.

    Niles : With whom?

    Martin Crane : Dr. Honey Snow.

    Frasier : Did it ever occur to you that I might not want Niles to know who I'm dating?

    Martin Crane : Sure it did. Right before I said it.

  • Niles : Frankly, I find it laughable that you're even considering putting your name on five-hundred-thousand copies of this piffle. Not even piffle--it's piffle-lite.

  • Dr. Honey Snow : I have something I want to give you.

    Frasier : Oh?

    Dr. Honey Snow : It's a manuscript of my upcoming book.

    Frasier : Oh. Another one? So soon?

    Dr. Honey Snow : I hope you like it Frasier. Because if you do, I'd love for you to write the foreword.

    Frasier : Me?

    Niles : Who better?

    Frasier : Well, actually there's so many other people that would be more qualified to write for such an important work.

    Dr. Honey Snow : Well, if I didn't know better, I'd think you didn't want to do it.

    Frasier : Oh, no, no, no, no. It's a great honor.

    Daphne : I'll say. The last book had an introduction by Mickey Rooney.

  • Niles : I think you know what you have to do.

    Frasier : Yes. I have to tell her I can't write the foreword. Oh, Niles, and I have to say goodbye to the chance of ever sleeping with absolute perfection. Oh, where oh, where will I ever have the chance again to gaze upon such extraordinary proud and supple breasts?

    Niles : Not to worry brother, that's the manager's special at Farmer Jack's Chicken, Chicken, Chicken.

  • Niles : Ooh, watching the sport of kings, I see. Which horse did you wager on?

    Martin Crane : Joe's Dream, number eight.

    Niles : Goodness, he seems to be taking a serene, almost Buddhist approach to the race.

  • Daphne : I'm off to the Book Nook. Dr. Snow is signing copies of her new bestseller.

    Martin Crane : Hey, wait a minute! You're going out? What about my whirlpool therapy?

    Daphne : Oh, right. I forgot. Maybe you could go to the book signing for me, Dr. Crane. It's right around the corner from the station.

    Frasier : I would sooner attend a hoedown.

    Niles : I would gladly go, but I've got my compulsive spending seminar, and I'm hoping to unload the rest of these raffle tickets.

  • Frasier : But there's just one thing, though, it's very hard to figure out. Although I invested in the very same stock that Daphne did, mine declined and hers went up. How do you explain that?

    Niles : Obviously, one of us is lying, Frasier.

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