Frasier: God, I hate lawyers.
Niles: Me too. But they make wonderful patients: they have excellent health insurance and they never get better.
Frasier: By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night.
Niles: She's on your bed.
Frasier: My bed?
Niles: Yes, she's asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.
Frasier: Niles, what is the name of that really vicious lawyer that you use?
Niles: Which one, the one I used to sue the contractor or the one I used to sue the personal trainer?
Frasier: Well, the meanest.
Niles: Uh, that would be the second one. I used him to sue the first one.
Daphne Moon: Well, my theory on death is, first you're whisked down a long, dark tunnel towards a beautiful white light; you suddenly get all the jokes you never got before, you let out a little chuckle, and then you die.
[after Niles tells Frasier that Maris is asleep on his bed, under the coats]
Daphne Moon: Dr. Crane, were you sniffing my hair?
Niles: Why would I do a thing like that? I'm a happily married man. I love my Maris.
Guest: Where should I put this coat?
Niles: Just throw it on the bed.
Martin: For God's sake, Frasier, you're forty-one years old - it's time you learned something. The system ain't perfect - sometimes the bad guy wins. And all those things you thought would be around to help you, the courts and the police department - well, sometimes, they're just not there when you need them, so you can let it eat a hole in your stomach or you can just file it away under the heading "Sometimes life sucks."
Frasier: Yeah, well, that file's getting pretty thick!
[Frasier prepares to toss a brick through the wall of a dishonest gallery owner, but Niles stops him]
Niles: Frasier, just give me the brick and no one will get hurt.
Frasier: Why don't you just go away? This is no concern of yours.
Niles: Yes, it is.
Niles: Remember that day in junior high school when somebody took all my clothes while I was in the shower, right after gym class? They hung them from the goalpost on the football field. I had no choice but to get a ladder and climb up there wearing nothing but a towel, wet and shivering. Then the towel fell off! There I was, your little brother, hanging naked from a goal post, and everyone was standing around laughing, and all Coach Medwick would do was stand there going...
[makes the arm signal for "field goal!"]
Niles: Whatever that means!
Frasier: Niles, why are you telling me this?
Niles: Because... I was so humiliated, I went home, I cried my eyes out, I swore I would get even. I was just about to put sugar into Coach Medwick's gas tank... and you stopped me. Remember what you said? "If you act like a barbarian, you will become a barbarian."
Frasier: I said that?
Niles: Yes. Well, actually you were more verbose at the time. I had to listen, you were sitting on my chest.
Frasier: Well, Niles, if you were strong enough to show restraint after so much humiliation, not to mention the nicknames.
Niles: Nicknames... there were nicknames?
Frasier: Oh, you didn't know that? Oh dear God, yes. Uh, "Peachfuzz,"..."Jingle Bells"... I can't remember the rest.
Frasier: Yes, I believe Coach Medwick made that one up himself.
[hands Niles the brick]
Frasier: Well, anyway, here you are. I won't be needing this anymore.
Niles: I'm proud of you.
[Frasier heads towards the car, but Niles cocks his arm and hurls the brick through the gallery window, shattering it with a loud crash. As the alarm sounds, Niles throws his arms up in another "field goal!" signal]
Frasier: My God, Niles! What are you, what have you done?
Niles: I've struck a blow for justice! Nobody calls me "Peachfuzz." Now let's get the hell out of here!
Frasier: Dad, will you stop showing these crime scene photos? You're embarrassing me.
Martin: Oh, these society people eat this up. Besides, she was the one that brought it up.
Frasier: Oh, she brought it up? Bethany van Pelt, the head of the Junior League, brought up the subject of a hooker whose body was hideously dismembered and scattered all over an abandoned warehouse?
Martin: Yeah, she asked, "aren't these Swedish meatballs the messiest things you've ever seen?" and I said, "No, as a matter of fact..."
[Niles and Daphne emerge from Frasier's bedroom, both are disheveled and appear to be straightening their clothes]
Frasier: What were you two doing back there?
Niles: Maris lost her earring at the party last night. Daphne was good enough to crawl under the bed to look for it while I...
Niles: Searched the credenza!