Frasier: [opens a package] Dad, I'm sorry, if Frederick's anything like me, the kind of toys he'll like to play with are...
[looks in the box]
Frasier: A kitchen set, a dollhouse and three kinds of Barbies! This is for a Franklin Crane from Kenibunkport. God, you realize what this means?
Niles: [deadpan] Yes. The Cranes of Maine have got your Living Brain.
Frasier: Oh, listen Roz. I know you've got a plane to catch and the traffic to the airport is probably very bad, so in the spirit of the Christmas season, why don't you just take off early, hmm?
Roz Doyle: You're going to read one of your inspirational Christmas fables again, aren't you?
Frasier: Yes, I am. Be a lot easier without you sitting over there sticking your finger in your throat.
Frasier: [seeing Martin's Christmas decorations] Oh, God... it's my childhood Christmases all over again. Only now Mom isn't here to say, "Shut up, you'll hurt his feelings."
[Martin's robot santa says "Ho Ho Ho!"]
Martin Crane: It works when you step on the mat.
[It says "Ho Ho Ho!" again]
Martin Crane: It can say "Ho, Ho, Ho", "Merry Christmas", or "Happy Holidays."
Frasier: Yeah, well I hope it can say "Geronimo" because I'm going to throw him off the balcony!
Martin Crane: [pulls out more Christmas decorations] Santa's legs for the chimney! You remember these babies?
Frasier: Oh, yes. Inspired some spectacular Christmas nightmares the year I found them under your bed.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Hi, we're back. As most of my faithful listeners know, every year I compose a parable that I hope will illuminate the spirit of the Christmas season. So without any further ado, I give you "The Story of Olaf, the lonely little goatherd."
[He plays a tape of barnyard noises. Bulldog and Gil sneak in via Roz's booth]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [reading] "Once upon a time, there lived a lonely little goatherd. He had no family, and no playthings, so to amuse himself, one day he carved a little wooden flute..."'
[Bulldog and Gil drape him in tinsel and lights]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [ignoring them] "A flute that he used to play during the long, lonely evenings. And the tune it made was very lovely, and all the people in the village below could hear the pure, glorious sound..."
[mutes the microphone]
Dr. Frasier Crane: This is all very amusing, but nothing you can do is going to distract me!
[Bulldog plugs in the lights, and he and Gil laugh]
Dr. Frasier Crane: [keeps reading] "One day, the son of a wealthy merchant heard the music, and while that boy had all the toys in the world, he was jealous of this little goatherd's flute."
[Bulldog tries to burn Frasier's script with a cigarette lighter]
Dr. Frasier Crane: "So, one dark-"
[blows out Bulldog's lighter]
Dr. Frasier Crane: "-night, one dark-"
[blows it out again]
Dr. Frasier Crane: -windy night, The merchant's son stole his precious instrument, but when he took that flute home, he couldn't make it play. So he smashed the flute to bits."
[Bulldog and Gil return with Candy, a stripper disguised under a Santa costume]
Dr. Frasier Crane: "When the little goatherd came down the mountain the next day, and saw his flute was broken..."
[Candy whips off her belt and jacket to reveal a fur-lined bra]
Dr. Frasier Crane: YIKES!..."He might have said that, but instead he forgave the merchant's son. And the wealthy merchant adopted the little goatherd, and..."
[Candy rips off her pants, revealing a garter belt and lacy underwear]
Dr. Frasier Crane: OH, MAMA!..."he said, upon meeting the merchant's wife, and somewhere along the way, he learned the true meaning of Christmas." This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you a truly blessed and forgiving holiday.
[off the air]
Dr. Frasier Crane: There now, you see? Nice try. Miss Kane's delightful performance aside, this just proves the power of my message cannot be stayed... for God's sakes, what am I, a robot?
[He grabs Candy and kisses her passionately]
Dr. Frasier Crane: And to all a good night.
Niles: [Frasier's gift for Freddie got lost in the mail] The Cranes of Maine have got your Living Brain!
Niles: Well, how about that woman near the cosmetics counter who tried to mace me?
Frasier: That was a cologne sample, Niles!
Niles: [on Maris] I called this morning to arrange the delivery of her Christmas gift, and she said the only gift she'd accept from me was an abject apology.
Frasier: Going to cave into her, aren't you?
Niles: Au contraire. I told her I was not about to apologise, and from that point on, the respect in her voice came through loud and clear. No small feat, considering at the time she was speaking at the time through the hole in her massage table.
Waitress: I'm sorry sir, your card didn't clear. I have to do this.
[cuts up Niles's credit card]
Niles: Wait, wait! What are you doing?
Waitress: The computer said "credit cancelled by order of co-signatory."
Frasier: Maris has cancelled your credit card.
Roz Doyle: Whoa, Merry Christmas!
Waitress: Would you care to use a different one?
Niles: There's no point, they're all in her name.
[dials his cell phone]
Niles: I'm calling her right now and demanding the restoration of my credit card, and my bank accounts...
[realizes the phone is dead]
Niles: And my phone service!
Gil Chesterton: For those of you who have not yet sampled the punch, here is my capsule review: vile bouquet, unwholesome colour, ghastly taste - and a kick that is simply heaven.
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: [wearing a sprig of mistletoe on his hat] Hey, Roz. You know what's over my head?
Roz Doyle: Almost any clever remark?
[Gil bursts out laughing]
Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe: What's she mean by that?
Daphne Moon: I'm bringing Grammy Moon's famous plum duff. It's a still flour pudding boiled in a cloth bag.
Martin Crane: Who gets to lick the bag?
Daphne Moon: No. You see, Grammy Moon had a secret ingredient. She'd soak it for hours in rum, then ignite it in a blinding flash. As soon as she came out of the kitchen with no eyebrows, we knew dessert was ready.
[She moves towards the door, stepping over the Santa mat]
Daphne Moon: You know, to this day the smell of burning hair puts me in the holiday spirit. Bye, Merry Christmas.
Frasier: So, Niles, did you have a discussion with Maris?
Niles: No, but I had an epiphany! I realised, cutting off my funds is Maris's way of saying, "I love you!"
[Frasier just stares at him]
Niles: She always uses money to get what she wants; ergo, this is proof she wants *me* back! What do you think?
[the robot Santa says "Ho Ho Ho!"]
Frasier: I think Santa's said it all for us.
Martin Crane: [about the decorations] Well, I don't care what you think; it's not for you, it's for Frederick.
Dr. Frasier Crane: God, I suppose you're right, Dad. I used to love this stuff when I was six; by the time I was seven, I started to have questions; when I was eight, I started spending a lot more time at the Bernsteins'.
Niles: [Upon seeing Eddie dressed up as Santa] Dad, you have to get out more. You've started doing "old lady" things.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [in a toy store, buying toys for Frederick] First, The Living Brain.
Little boy in toy store: Living brain? What kind of dork wants that?
Dr. Frasier Crane: With any luck, the kind of dork who will be operating on your prostate someday!
Bob: [v.o] Doc, I'm at the airport, and I'm having a lot of trouble getting on the plane.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Now Bob, statistics prove that we're safer in the air than on the ground...
Bob: That's not it. I'm supposed to be flying home to Newark for Christmas, but the flight the next gate over has a flight to Maui. I'm telling you, it's calling me, Doc.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Why are you hesitant to go home?
Bob: Because it's the same thing every year. I travel three thousand miles to sit down at the dinner table with my family, and what do we talk about? What's going on in out lives? No. Our hopes and dreams? No. We talk about the turkey. "Boy, that's quite a bird." "Twenty-four pounder." "What time did you have to get up to put that in the oven, Ange?"
Dr. Frasier Crane: "Oh boy, that's moist. You must have been basting that bird all day."
Roz Doyle: "Are those walnuts in the stuffing?"
Dr. Frasier Crane: "Oh god, I forgot to put the rolls in the oven." I guess what I'm trying to say, Bob, is that we're all in the same "gravy boat." But you see, the important thing is that we spend time with our loved ones. Just think how you'd feel if you woke up tomorrow morning six thousand miles away from your home.
Bob: Well, I tell ya, that really puts it in perspective, doc. I got a plane to catch.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Mele Keleke Maka, Bob. We'll be right back after these messages.