Book: What are we up to, sweetheart?
River Tam: Fixing your Bible.
Book: I, um...
River Tam: Bible's broken. Contradictions, false logistics - doesn't make sense.
[she's marked up the bible, crossed out passages and torn out pages]
Book: No, no. You-you-you can't...
River Tam: So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God's creation of Eden. Eleven inherent metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of eleven eleven times, but always comes out one. Noah's ark is a problem.
River Tam: We'll have to call it early quantum state phenomenon. Only way to fit 5000 species of mammal on the same boat.
[rips out page]
Zoë: River, honey, he's putting the hair away now.
River: Doesn't matter. It'll still be there... waiting.
Mal: It's my estimation that every man ever got a statue made of 'em was one kinda sombitch or another.
[both drunk, Simon more than Kaylee]
Kaylee: You know, you are pretty funny.
Simon: You're pretty... pretty.
Jayne: Listen, Mal, I was in Canton a few years back. I might have made me a few enemies thereabouts.
Simon: Enemies? You? No! How can it be?
Jayne: Don't make no sense. Wh-Why the hell'd that mudder have to go an do that for, Mal? Jumpin' in front a' that shotgun blast. Hell, there weren't a one of 'em understood what happened out there. They're probably stickin' that statue right back up.
Mal: Most like.
Jayne: I don't know why that eats at me so.
Mal: It's my estimation that every man ever got a statue made of him was one kind of sommbitch or another. Ain't about you, Jayne. It's about what they need.
Jayne: Don't make no sense.
Folk Singer: Jayne / The man they call Jayne / He robbed from the rich, and he gave to the poor / Stood up to The Man and he gave him what for / Our love for him now ain't hard to explain / The hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne / Our Jayne saw the Mudders' backs breakin' / He saw the Mudders' lament / And he saw the Magistrate takin' every dollar, and leavin' five cents / So he said, "You can't do that to my people" / He said, "can't crush them under your heel" / Jayne strapped on his hat / And in five seconds flat / Stole everything Boss Higgins had to steal / He robbed from the rich, and he gave to the poor / Stood up to The Man and he gave him what for / Our love for him now ain't hard to explain / The hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne / Now here is what separates heroes / From common folk like you and I / The man they call Jayne he turned 'round his plane / And let that money hit sky / He dropped it onto our houses / He dropped it into our yards / The man they call Jayne he stole away our pain / And headed out for the stars / He robbed from the rich, and he gave to the poor / Stood up to The Man and he gave him what for / Our love for him now ain't hard to explain / The hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne!
Kaylee: Come on, admit it. It's true.
Simon: No, I won't, because it's not. I use swear-words, like anybody else.
Kaylee: Oh really? See, I never heard you. So when is it that you do all this cussin'? After I go to bed, or...
Simon: I swear... when it's appropriate
Kaylee: Simon, the whole point of swearin' is that it ain't appropriate.
Mal: You wanna tell me how come there's a statue of you here lookin' at me like I owe him somethin'?
Jayne: Wishin' I could, Cap'n.
Zoë: Is that Jayne? Is that really him? Wash - pinch me, I must be dreamin'.
Jayne Cobb: Ah, hell, I'll pinch ya.
Dr. Simon Tam: My god. You're like a trained ape. *Without* the training.
Book: River, you don't fix the Bible.
River: It's broken. It doesn't make sense.
Book: It's not about making sense. It's about believing in something, and letting that belief be real enough to change your life. It's about faith. You don't fix faith, River. It fixes you.
Simon: [drunk] You know, I've saved lives. Dozens. Maybe hundreds. I - I re-attatched a girl's leg. Her whole leg. She named her hamster after me. I got a hamster. He drops a box of money, he gets a town.
Kaylee: [also drunk] Hamsters is nice.
Simon: To Jayne! The box dropping, man-ape-gone-wrong-thing.
Simon: Mal, I, uh, uh... No, n-n-nothing happened. There was, uh, there was - there was some drinking, but, uh - No-no, we-we certainly didn't - I would never. Not with Kaylee.
Kaylee: What do you mean, not with me?
Mal: Yeah, uh-huh. Where's my hero?
Jayne: Mmm. They call it Mudder's Milk. All the protein, vitamins and carbs of your grandma's best turkey dinner, plus fifteen percent alcohol.
Wash: It's horrific!
Simon: Worked for the Egyptians.
Jayne: What's that?
Simon: The ancient Egyptians, back on Earth-That-Was. It's not so different from the ancestral form of beer they fed to the slaves who built their pyramids. Liquid bread. Kept them from starving, and knocked them out at night, so they wouldn't be inclined to insurrection.
Kaylee: Wow, Simon. That's so... so historical.
Jayne: [to Simon] Tell me, Lil' Miss Big Words. You see a pyramid sittin' out there?
Jayne: Neither do I. So here, let me pour you a big frosty mug of "shut-the-hell-up".
River: I tore these out of your symbol and they turned into paper, but I wanna put them back, so...
[Simon sees a statue of Jayne and realizes the town they are in idolizes him as a hero]
Simon: This must be what going mad feels like.
[later, after listening to a song about Jayne being a hero]
Simon: No, this must be what going mad feels like.
Simon: My way of being polite or however it's... well, it's the only way I have of showing you that I like you. Of showing respect.
Kaylee: So, when we made love last night...
Simon: When we *what*?
Kaylee: [laughs] You really are such an easy mark.
[looking at the statue of Jayne]
Kaylee Frye: Everywhere I go, his eyes keep following me.
Jayne: [his speech to Jaynestown] Far as I see it, you people been given the shortest end of the stick ever been offered a human soul in this crap-heel 'verse. But you took that end, and you - well, you took it. And that's - Well, I guess that's somethin'.
[River is hiding after seeing Shepherd Book without his hair tied back]
River: You see, the snow on the roof is too heavy, you see, the ceiling will cave in. His brains are in terrible danger.
Book: River, please, why don't you come on out?
River: No! Can't. Too much hair.
Jayne: Ah, hey! I got an idea. Instead'a us hangin' around playin' art critic 'til I get pitched by The Man, how's about we move away from this eerie-ass piece of work and get on with our increasingly eerie-ass day, how's that?
Wash: [about Jayne's statue] I think they really captured his essence.
Kaylee: He looks angry.
Wash: Yeah, that's kinda what I mean.
Jayne: So the Magistrate, he let you folks keep all that cash?
Mudder: It pained him, that's for dead sure. When he found out, he sent his prods in to take it back from us. But the workers resisted.
Jayne: [proudly] Fought the law, did you?
Mudder: If the mudders are together on a thing, there's too many of us to put down. So in the end, he just called it a bonus.
Jayne: That's one hell of a bonus.
Mudder: And then when we put that statue of you up in town square, he rolled in, wanted to tear it down, but the whole town rioted.
Jayne: [shocked to the verge of tears] You guys had a riot? On account o' me? My very own riot?
Mudder: I can't believe you're back.
Jayne: [hugging the mudder and his girl] How could I stay away?
Jayne: I don't know, you think we should be using my fame to hoodwink folks?
Mal: You better laugh when you say that.
Jayne: No really Mal, I mean maybe there's something to this. The mudders, I think I really made a difference in their lives. Me, Jayne Cobb.
Mal: I know your name, jackass!
Jayne: All of you, you think there's someone just gonna drop money on you? Money they could use? Well there ain't people like that.
Jayne: [He pauses] There's just people like me.
Simon: What happened in here?
Jayne: Needed to find some tape.
Simon: So you had to tear my infirmary apart?
Mal: This here's all part of our new plan!
[Mal walks away]
Kaylee: Captain, how exactly is this part of our...
Mal: Still workin' the details.
Magistrate Higgins: I brought you here to bed my son, not throw him a tea party.
Simon: My God! You're like a trained ape!... Without the training!