Peter Griffin: You know... I always thought that dogs, uh, laid eggs. And today, I learned something.
Brian Griffin: I rented those for Peter. He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies.
Charles Foster Kane: [on TV screen] Rosebud.
Peter Griffin: [video cuts to Peter] It's his sled. It was his sled from when he was a kid. There I just saved you two long boobless hours
Peter Griffin: Brian should be allowed to see his puppies.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Peter, think about what you are doing.
Peter Griffin: I am. Your honor, Brian will be a great dad. Hell, if I were half the parent Brian is, I'd know that Chris' favorite ice cream is...
Brian Griffin: Chocolate Chip.
Peter Griffin: And Stewie's favorite bedtime story is...
Brian Griffin: Good Night Moon.
Peter Griffin: And Meg's real father's name is...
Brian Griffin: Stan Thompson.
[Meg doesn't hear this because she's listening to a personal stereo]
[Peter and Lois are dumbfounded after they find Brian masturbating]
Lois: Was he just mas...
Peter: Yes. Do... do I rub his nose in it?
Peter Griffin: Lois is making me visit the in-laws this weekend. I don't know why she even bothers. Me and Lois' old man have never gotten along.
[cut to flashback]
Peter Griffin: Hey, I got an e-mail from Mr. Pewterschmidt!
[Peter clicks the mouse; a fist flies out of the monitor and punches Peter in the face]
Lois Griffin: [after Brian takes off after Sea Breeze during a dog race] What's Brian doing?
Meg Griffin: Oh, my God!
Carter Pewterschmidt: He's violating Sea Breeze!
Peter Griffin: No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself... *now* he's violating Sea Breeze.
Brian Griffin: [Seabreeze is about to give birth to puppies] You're almost there, Seabreeze. Oh, and also, uh, I didn't bring this up before but, uh, promise me you won't eat any of them.
Carter Pewterschmidt: You idiot! I'm never taking you to my country club again!
Peter Griffin: Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt...
Carter Pewterschmidt: [to Lois] Your husband is a moron! He walks up to the Premier of China and says "Dong, where is my automobile?"
Lois Griffin: Daddy, Peter's been trying really hard to get you to like him. Couldn't you give him another chance? Let him join your poker game tomorrow night?
Carter Pewterschmidt: Sorry, honey, I'd rather be stuck in an elevator with Nathan Lane, Gilbert Gottfried, Carrot Top... uhh, Sean Hayes, oh, you get the picture.
Lois Griffin: Please?
Carter Pewterschmidt: No!
Lois Griffin: OK. You know, maybe later I'll take Mom by the shoeshine place and introduce her to that nice mulatto boy who looks an awful lot like...
Carter Pewterschmidt: Say, would, uh, Peter like to play poker with us?
Lois Griffin: He'd love to, Daddy.
Carter Pewterschmidt: That sounds dynamite.
Michael Eisner: [flying through the sky with a jetpack] Man, the people look like ants from up here.
Bill Gates: They are ants, Michael! They ARE ants!
Lois Griffin: Brian, why don't you come up to my parents' house with us? The fresh air'll help you relax.
Stewie Griffin: Mm, I know where I go when I want to relax.
[cutaway to Stewie in a gay disco full of muscular men dancing shirtless]
Stewie Griffin: [shouting over the music] I know the guy that owns this place!
Stewie Griffin: I said, I know the guy that... oh, I'll you later, I love this song!
[Stewie grooves to the music]
Brian Griffin: [meeting Lois in a park] Were you followed?
Lois Griffin: [wearing a hat, coat and dark glasses] Don't worry, I've got a decoy.
[cutaway to Chris dressed as Lois, pushing Stewie in a stroller]
Quagmire: Hey, Lois. Hubba-hubba... Whoa! Lois, you put on a few, huh?
Chris Griffin: Well, I never!
[he slaps him and walks on]
Stewie Griffin: That's all right, honey, I don't think he was the one anyway. Now, let's go get sundaes.
Country Club Member: [at a wine tasting session] Carter, did you tell your son-in-law he's not supposed to swallow the wine?
Peter Griffin: [very drunk and stark naked] Hey, where the hell is that Peter Griffin? He said he'd give me a hundred dollars if I took off all my clothes off!
[Carter Pewterschmidt groans angrily]
Carter Pewterschmidt: [introducing Peter to his friend Bill Gates] Bill, Peter's an antitrust lawyer with the Justice Department.
[Gates punches Peter to the floor]
Carter Pewterschmidt: Ah, just kidding! He's a fisherman or some stupid thing.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Hello, everyone.
Lois Griffin: Hi, Daddy.
Peter Griffin: Bonjour, Monsieur Pewterschmidt.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Did Peter have a stroke?
Lois Griffin: No, Daddy, Peter's cultured himself, like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh, so I should treat him like a high-class whore?
[he lights a cigarette and stubs it out on Peter's chest]
Peter Griffin: That's fine, just no kissing on the lips.
Joe Swanson: You should find some common ground with your father-in-law, Peter. Figure out what he likes and study up on it.
Peter Griffin: Hey, that's a great idea. I'll learn how to act like a rich guy. In fact, I'm going to start right now.
[turns to Bob Cratchit from A Christmas Carol working at his desk in the corner]
Peter Griffin: Cratchit! You're working through Christmas!
Bob Cratchit: But sir, what of Tiny Tim?
Peter Griffin: Bah! He and his ukulele shall go wanting.