Cheers (TV Series)
Birth, Death, Love and Rice (1985)
Quotes
Dr. Frasier Crane: [after telling the story of how Diane left him at the altar] The story of my humiliation spread like wildfire through the university, and then to the entire Italian countryside. Everyone knew about it, everyone knew about my shame.
Sam Malone: No, you must have been imagining it.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, was I? Do you know that in soccer, when a player kicks at the ball, misses and falls down, it's now called a 'Frasier'?
Sam Malone: That could be a coincidence.
Dr. Frasier Crane: If he's knocked cold, it's called a 'Frasier Crane'!
Sam Malone: Carla, uh, I'd like you to meet Woody Boyd. Woody, this is Carla Tortelli.
Woody Boyd: Hi ma'am.
Carla Tortelli: Ma'am? What's that supposed to mean?
Woody Boyd: I believe it's a term of respect.
Carla Tortelli: No wonder it sounded so weird.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [about Diane leaving him at the altar] I've lost everything Malone: my tenure, my practice and my Diane. My life is ruined and it's all your fault. Don't you think someone should pay for that?
[Frasier pulls out a gun and points it in Sam's direction]
Sam Malone: If by someone you mean someone in this room, I, I can honesty answer no, I don't. Oh, come on.
[suddenly becomes calmer]
Sam Malone: Ah, wait a second. What are you doing? The gun's not even loaded.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Certainly it's loaded.
Sam Malone: No it isn't.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, of course you know it's not, because Frasier Crane is a harmless person, who never caused you a moment's concern, not a moment's worry, who was never a threat to your relationship with Diane, and he isn't a threat now. Is that it, Sam?
Sam Malone: [points in the gun's direction] No, it's just that the little holes there are empty.
Sam Malone: [at a convent] You wouldn't happen to know where a men's room was around here, would you?
Diane Chambers: Sam, would you put a men's room in a convent?
Sam Malone: Right now, I would, yes.
Sam Malone: [visiting Diane at the convent] Hi, Diane.
Diane Chambers: Hi, Sam.
[Diane does a double take]
Diane Chambers: AHHHH!
Norm Peterson: You know how I've been trying to get Vera pregnant? Congratulate me.
Sam Malone: Hey, hey!
[there is general excitement with Cliff, Carla and Sam]
Sam Malone: Whoa, I think this calls for champagne, here.
Norm Peterson: Why, thank you Sam.
Sam Malone: What sex do you want it to be?
Norm Peterson: Sex? Come on, I thought you just ask for the vintage, you know. Wait, wait, I see your mistake. Vera's not with child. She just told me I didn't have to try and get her pregnant anymore. Let's celebrate, come on, party!
Norm Peterson: [walking out of the pool room] Hey Cliffy, next time you try and imitate that helicopter, I think you ought to chalk up the cues before you stick them in your ears.
Cliff Clavin: You kidding. I'd look pretty silly with chalk in my ears.
Sam Malone: [after hearing about how Diane left Frasier, and assuring Frasier that he was over Diane] If you know what's good for you, I think you should forget about her too.
Dr. Frasier Crane: [Ruefully] Oh, I'll forget about her. I'll forget about her when the moon turns to ashes and the birds sing nevermore.
Sam Malone: [Upbeat; slaps Frasier on the shoulder] There you go!
[Frasier has finished telling Sam about Diane's debauchery in Italy after she left him at the altar]
Sam Malone: [Incredulous] Diane, dancing on tabletops? You mean, my-- your-- our... *the* Diane?
Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes. All of them.
Diane Chambers: [surprised by Sam in the convent] What the hell-- he-e-e-eck are you doing here?
