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"Blackadder the Third" Dish and Dishonesty (TV Episode 1987) Poster

Quotes

Vincent Hanna: Master William Pitt, the Even Younger, are you disappointed?

Pitt the Even Younger: Yes I'm horrified. I smeared my opponents, bribed the press to be on my side, and threatened to torture the electorate if we lost. I fail to see what a more decent politician would have done.

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Pitt the Younger: I intend to put my own brother up as a candidate against you.

Blackadder: And which Pitt would this be? Pitt the Toddler? Pitt the Embryo? Pitt the Glint in the Milkman's Eye?

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Prince George: You know, Blackadder, for me socks are like sex. Tons of it about and I never seem to get any.

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Blackadder: Dunny-on-the-Wold is a tuppenny- ha'penny place. Half an acre of sodden marshland in the Suffolk Fens with an empty town hall on it. Population: three rather mangy cows, a dachshund named Colin, and a small hen in its late forties.

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Blackadder: Sir, may I be allowed a short violent outburst?

Prince George: Why yes of course.

Blackadder: DAMN.

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Blackadder: [Baldrick is applying for Parliament] Minimum bribe level?

Baldrick: One turnip. Oh, hang on, I don't want to price myself out of the market.

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Pitt the Younger: Mr. Speaker, Members of the House, I shall be brief, as I have rather unfortunately become Prime Minister right in the middle of my exams.

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Pitt the Younger: I now call on the Leader of the Opposition to test me on my Latin vocab.

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Blackadder: Right. Now all we have to do is fill in this MP application form. Name: Baldrick. First name...?

Baldrick: Er, I'm not sure.

Blackadder: Well, you must have some idea...

Baldrick: Well, it might be Sod off.

Blackadder: What?

Baldrick: Well, when I used to play in the gutter, I used to say to the other snipes, "Hello, my name's Baldrick," and they'd say, "Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick."

Blackadder: All right, right right right right, Mr. S. Baldrick. Now; distinguishing features... None.

Baldrick: Well, I've got this big growth in the middle of my face.

Blackadder: That's your nose, Baldrick. Now; any history of insanity in the family? Tell you what, I'll cross out the in. Any history of *sanity* in the family? None whatsoever. Now then; criminal record...

Baldrick: Absolutely not.

Blackadder: Oh, come on, Baldrick, you're going to be an MP, for God's sake! I'll just put fraud and sexual deviancy. Now; minimum bribe level...

Baldrick: One turnip. Oh, hang on, I don't want to price myself out of the market.

Blackadder: Baldrick, I've always been meaning to ask: Do you have any ambitions in life apart from the acquisition of turnips?

Baldrick: Er, no.

Blackadder: So what would you do if I gave you a thousand pounds?

Baldrick: I'd get a little turnip of my own.

Blackadder: So what would you do if I gave you a million pounds?

Baldrick: Oh, that's different. I'd get a great big turnip in the country.

Blackadder: [someone knocks at the door] Oh God, I'll get that. Here

[pushes paper to Baldrick]

Blackadder: , sign here.

[motions where with his hand; Baldrick marks an 'X' on Edmund's palm; Edmund presses his palm against the application]

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Vincent Hanna: Well can you at least tell me one thing. What does the 'S' in his name stand for?

Blackadder: Sod off.

Vincent Hanna: Well. I guess it's none of my business really.

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Blackadder: If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before you start.

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Blackadder: [bashing Baldrick's head against the table] Give me the bloody money Baldrick, or you're dead.

Baldrick: Give me the bloody money Baldrick, or you're dead my Lord.

Blackadder: [Whacks Baldrick's head against the table again] Just do it Baldrick, or I shall further enoble you by knighting you very clumsily with this meat cleaver.

Baldrick: I haven't got it.

Blackadder: What?

Baldrick: I spent it.

Blackadder: You spent it? What could you possibly spend £400 000 on?

[Blackadder notices the massive turnip on the table]

Blackadder: Oh, no... oh God, don't tell me.

Baldrick: My dream turnip.

Blackadder: Baldrick, how did you manage to find a turnip that cost £400 000?

Baldrick: Well, I had to haggle.

[Blackadder slams the turnip over Baldricks head]

Blackadder: This is the worst moment of my entire life. I've spent my last penny on a cat-skin windcheater, I've just broken a priceless turnip...

[there is a knock at the door followed by shouting]

Blackadder: ...and now I'm about to be viciously slaughtered by a naked Tunisian sock merchant. Well, all I can say, Baldrick, is that's the last time I dabble in politics

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Blackadder: [plotting to gain Sir Talbot's support in Parliament] However, if we're going to get him to support us, he will need some sort of incentive.

Prince George: Hmm, anything in mind?

Blackadder: Well, you could appoint him a high court judge.

Prince George: Is he qualified?

Blackadder: He's a violent, bigoted, mindless old fool.

Prince George: Sounds a bit over-qualified. Well, get him here at once.

Blackadder: Certainly, sir. I will return before you can say 'antidisestablishmentarianism.'

Prince George: Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that! Antidistibilitsmin... anti-misty-linstimbl... anti-stids...

title card: Two Days Later

Prince George: Anti-distinctly-minty-monetarism...

[Blackadder enters]

Blackadder: Your Highness, Sir Talbot Buxomly, MP.

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Blackadder: [Pitt the Younger enters] Oh, good, it's the Lord Privy Toast Rack.

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Blackadder: [enters in a lords gown] My lord.

Prince George: My Lords.

Blackadder: Pardon, sir?

Prince George: My Lords. There is more than one lord in the vicinity. Will you please welcome his Grace, the Lord Baldrick.

[Baldrick enters in his lordly regalia]

Blackadder: You made BALDRICK a Lord?

Prince George: Well, yes. One who has recently done sterling service, matching the political machinations of the evil Pitt. Good old Lord Baldrick!

Baldrick: It's all right Blackadder, you don't have to curtsey or anything.

Blackadder: Sir, might I let loose a short violent exclamation?

Prince George: Certainly.

Blackadder: [Blackadder moves discreetly sideways, then shouts] DAMN!

Prince George: I say, that's a bit of a strange get up, isn't it Blackadder?

Blackadder: No sir, I'm just off to a fancy dress party. I'm going as Lady Hamilton's pussy.

[he walks towards the door, stops and turns]

Blackadder: There is one little question, sir. About the £400 000 to influence the lords...

Prince George: Ah, yes. I gave that to Lord Baldrick.

Blackadder: [Looking pleased] Ahh! Sir, might I be permitted to take Lord Baldrick downstairs for some instruction in his lordly duties?

Prince George: I think that's a splendid idea.

Blackadder: [to Baldrick] This way, my Lord.

[Leaves with cloak raised, Dracula-esque]

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Prince George: I say, Blackadder, are you sure this is the PM? Seems more like an oily tick to me. When I was at school, we used to line up four or five of his sort, make 'em bend over, and use 'em as a toast rack.

Pitt the Younger: It doesn't surprise me, sir, I know your sort. Once, it was I who stood in the big, cold schoolroom, a hot crumpet burning my cheeks with shame. Since that day, I have been busy every hour God sent, working to become Prime Minister and fight sloth and privilege wherever I found it.

Blackadder: [Casually] I trust you weren't too busy to remove the crumpet.

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Ivor Biggun: We're for the compulsory serving of asparagus at breakfast, free corsets for the under-5s and the abolition of slavery.

Vincent Hanna, His Own Great Great Great Grandfather: I'm sure many moderate people would respect your stand on asparagus, but what about all this extremist nonsense about abolishing slavery?

Ivor Biggun: Oh, that! We just put that in for a joke! See you next year!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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