Blackadder: Bills, bills, bills. One is born, one runs up bills, one dies. What have I got to show for it? Nothing. A butler's uniform and a slightly effeminate hairdo. Sometimes I feel like a pelican - whichever way I turn I still have an enormous bill in front of me.
Blackadder: She is famous for having the worst personality in Germany and, as you can imagine, that's up against some pretty stiff competition.
Blackadder: Oh, God. What a way to die. Shot by a transvestite on a unrealistic grassy knoll.
Josiah Hardwood: I'd no more place my daughter in the hands of an unworthy man than I'd place my john thomas in the hands of a lunatic with a pair of scissors.
Blackadder: Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?
Baldrick: No, but I've often thought I'd like to.
Blackadder: Well don't. It's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough, sinewy men roam the Valleys, terrorizing people with their close-harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the place names. Never ask for directions in Wales, Baldrick. You'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight.
Blackadder: Well go out into the street and hire me a horse.
Baldrick: Hire you a horse? For ninepence? On Jewish New Year in the rain? A bare fortnight after the dreaded horse plague of Old London Town? With the blacksmith's strike in its 15th week and the Dorset Horse Fetishist's Fair tomorrow?
[trying to find a bride for the Prince]
Blackadder: Of the 262 princesses in Europe, 165 are over 80 - they're out - 47 are under 10 - they're out - and 39 are mad.
Baldrick: They sound ideal.
Blackadder: They would be if they hadn't all got married last week in Munich to the same horse.
Blackadder: Mrs. M, if we were the last three humans on earth, I would be trying to start a family with Baldrick.
[Blackadder is about to leave for the West Indies]
Baldrick: I still can't believe you're leaving me behind.
Blackadder: Oh don't you worry. When we're established on our plantation in Barbados I'll send for you. No more sad little London for you Balders. From now on you will stand out in life as an individual.
Baldrick: Will I?
Blackadder: Indeed. All the other slaves will be black.
Blackadder: The important thing is that they must not be alone together before the wedding.
Baldrick: That's not really fair to her, is it?
Blackadder: It's not really fair on him, either. The girl is wetter than a haddock's bathing costume.
Blackadder: Baldrick, have you no idea what "irony" is?
Baldrick: Yes, it's like "goldy" and "bronzy" only it's made out of iron.
Blackadder: If you can't make money you'll have to marry it.
Prince George: Marry? Never! I'm a gay bachelor, Blackadder. I'm a roarer, a rogerer, a gorger, and a puker. I can't marry. I'm young, I'm firm buttocked, I'm, I'm...
Prince George: Well, yes, I suppose.
Blackadder: And don't forget, sir, that the modern church smiles on roaring and gorging within wedlock. And indeed rogering is keenly encouraged.
Prince George: And the puking?
Blackadder: I believe it is still very much down to the conscience of the individual church-goer.
Blackadder: Sir. I come as emissary of his highness the Prince of Wales with the most splendid of news. He wants your lovely daughter for his wife.
Josiah Hardwood: [disgusted] Well his wife can't have her. It's outrageous that you should come here with such a suggestion.
Josiah Hardwood: Mind sir or I shall take off my belt and by thunder, me trousers will fall down.
Prince George: Right, so what's the plan?
Blackadder: Well I thought I could take her a short note, expressing your honourable intentions.
Prince George: Yes, yes. I think so too. All right then, well take this down; From His Royal Highness The Prince of Wales to Miss Amy Hardwood:
Prince George: Tally ho, my fine saucy young trollop! Trip along here with all your cash and some naughty night attire, and you'll be staring at my bedroom ceiling from now until Christmas, you lucky tart! Yours, with the deepest respect etc. Signed, George. P.S. Woof, woof!
Prince George: Well, what do you think?
Blackadder: It's very moving sir. Would you mind if I changed just one tiny aspect of it?
Prince George: Which one?
Blackadder: The words.
Prince George: Oh yes, I'll leave the details to you, Blackadder. Just make sure she knows I'm all man, with a bit of animal thrown in! Rawr!
Blackadder: Certainly sir.
Baldrick: [referring to Caroline of Brunswick] And what's wrong with her?
Blackadder: [rises, suddenly shouting, pretending to be Caroline of Brunswick] Get more coffee! It's horrid, change it! Take me roughly from behind! No, not like that, like this! Trousers off, tackle out! Walk the dog! Where's my present?
Baldrick: [very shaken by this outburst] All right! Which one do you want me to do first?
Blackadder: No, that's what Caroline's like. She is famous for having the worst personality in Germany. Although, you can imagine, that's up against some pretty stiff competition.
Blackadder: If I want to get rich quick, all I have to do is go upstairs and ask Prince Fathead for a rise.
Blackadder: Oh... Bank's open.
Sally Cheapside: Honestly Papa. Ever since mother died you've tried to stop me growing up. I'm not a little , I'm a grown woman. In fact I might as well tell you now Papa: I'm pregnant, and I'm an opium fiend, and I'm in love with a poet named Shelley who's a famous whoopsy, and Mother didn't die, I killed her!
The Duke of Cheapside: well, never mind.
Blackadder: [Off screen] Stand and Deliver!
[the coach starts to pull up]
The Duke of Cheapside: Oh no! Oh no no no no no, disaster! It's the shadow. We're doomed, doomed!
Blackadder: [Draws up outside the carriage window] Ah good evening Duke, and the lovely Miss Cheapside. Your cash bags please.
[the Duke hands him a bag of money]
Blackadder: There we are.
The Duke of Cheapside: You'll never get away with this, you scoundrel, you'll be caught and damn well hung!
Sally Cheapside: [to camera] I think he looks pretty well...
Blackadder: Madam, please no jests about me looking pretty well hung already, we have no time.
Sally Cheapside: Pity.
Sally Cheapside: Highwayman, I also have a jewel. I fear however that I have placed it here, beneath my petticoats, for protection
Blackadder: Well in that case madam, I think I'll leave it. I'm not sure I fancy the idea of a jewel that's been in someone's pants. A single kiss of those soft lips is all I require.
The Duke of Cheapside: Never sir! A man's soft lips are his own private kingdom. I shall defend them with my life.
Blackadder: I'm not talking to you, Grandad.
Sally Cheapside: [kisses him long and hard] Oh, I'm overcome. Take me with you to live the life of the wild rogue, cuddling under haystacks and making love in the branches of tall trees!
Blackadder: Madam, sadly I must decline. I fear my horse would collapse with you on top of him as well as me!
Baldrick: [appears next to Blackadder, wearing his harness] I could try!
Blackadder: No Quicksilver, you couldn't.
Baldrick: But that's not fair then. I've had you on my back for ten miles and I haven't even got a kiss out of it.
Blackadder: Oh alright, very well then.
Blackadder: All fair now?
Baldrick: Not really, no.
Blackadder: Teh, no pleasing some horses. Hi-ho Quicksilver.
Sally Cheapside: [accusingly] Papa, you did nothing to defend my honour.
The Duke of Cheapside: Oh shut your face, you pregnant junky fag-hag!
Blackadder: There are only two princesses in Europe available. The first is Grand Duchess Sophia of Turin. We'll never get her to marry him.
Baldrick: Why not?
Blackadder: Because she's met him.
Prince George: Ah, brekkers! I could eat 14 trays of it this morning and still have room for a dolphin on toast.
Blackadder: Any particular reason for this gluttinous levity, sir?
Prince George: Well, what do you think, Black Adder? I'm in love. I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love. Oh, Amy, bless all ten of your tiny little pinkies.
Baldrick: Morning, Mr B!
Blackadder: Baldrick? Baldrick. Thank you for introducing to a wholly new experience.
Baldrick: What experience is that?
Blackadder: Being pleased to see you. Now, what are you doing here, you revolting animal?
Baldrick: I've come for the Shadow's autograph. You know, I'm a great fan of the Shadow.
Blackadder: Yes, yes, just untie me, Baldrick, quick.
Baldrick: What? Has he gone? Oh, what a pity. I wanted him to autograph my new poster. Look, his reward's gone up to 10,000 pounds.
Blackadder: Good Lord! 10,000 pounds?
Blackadder: That gives me an idea. Baldrick, take this cartload of loot back to the palace, and meet me back here at midnight, with 10 soldiers, a wrestless lynch mob and a small, portable gallows!