Shared with you
- [Edmund is trying to impress his puritan relatives]
- Blackadder: This is a house of simple purity.
- Monk: [Runs in and vomits in fireplace] Great booze-up, Edmund.
- Lady Whiteadder: Do you know that man?
- Blackadder: No.
- Lady Whiteadder: He called you Edmund
- Blackadder: Oh, know him? Yes, I do.
- Lady Whiteadder: Then can you explain what he meant by "great booze-up"?
- Blackadder: [very long pause] Yes, I can. My friend is a missionary and on his last visit abroad brought back with him the chief of a famous tribe. His name is Great Boo. He's been suffering from sleeping sickness and he's obviously just woken because as you've heard, Great Boo's up.
- [Edmund is trying to impress his puritan relatives]
- Blackadder: This is a house of simple purity.
- Monk: [Runs in and vomits in fireplace] Great booze-up, Edmund.
- Lady Whiteadder: Do you know that man?
- Blackadder: No.
- Lady Whiteadder: He called you Edmund
- Blackadder: Oh, know him? Yes, I do.
- Lady Whiteadder: Then can you explain what he meant by "great booze-up"?
- Blackadder: [very long pause] Yes, I can. My friend is a missionary and on his last visit abroad brought back with him the chief of a famous tribe. His name is Great Boo. He's been suffering from sleeping sickness and he's obviously just woken because as you've heard, Great Boo's up.
- Blackadder: Which reminds me, Auntie...
- Lady Whiteadder: Don't call me "Auntie." Aunt is a relative and relatives are evidence of sex. Which is hardly a fitting conversation for the dinner table.
- Blackadder: Or indeed, any table.
- Lord Percy: Except perhaps a table in a brothel.
- Simon Partridge: [as Queen Elizabeth emerges from the closet] Whoa, another stripper.
- Geoffrey Piddle: [as Lord Whiteadder also appears] And a male stripper!
- Monk: Oh yes, this is much more like it!
- [removes The Queen's cloak, revealing her identity]
- Simon Partridge: And she's come dressed as the queen.
- Geoffrey Piddle: Sexy!
- Queen Elizabeth: [indignant] Do you know who I am?
- Blackadder: [entering] Yes. I know who you are.
- Geoffrey Piddle: Who?
- Blackadder: You're Merlin, the Happy Pig.
- Queen Elizabeth: Wrong, I'm afraid. I am the Queen of England.
- [they all kneel]
- Queen Elizabeth: I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman. But I have the heart and stomach of a concrete elephant.
- Simon Partridge: Prove it!
- Queen Elizabeth: [playfully] Certainly will.
- [picks up a large mug of beer]
- Queen Elizabeth: First I'm going to have a little drinkie, and then I'm going to execute the whole bally lot of you.
- Blackadder: Baldrick! Why have you got a piece of cheese tied to the end of your nose?
- Baldrick: To catch mice my lord. I lie on the floor with my mouth open and hope they scurry in.
- Blackadder: And do they?
- Baldrick: Not yet my lord.
- Blackadder: That's right, your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom.
- Blackadder: Baldrick, get the door.
- [there is a crash and Baldrick enters with the door]
- Blackadder: Now, Baldrick, I advise you to make whatever explanation you are about to give exceptionally good.
- Baldrick: You said get the door.
- Blackadder: Not good enough, you're fired.
- Baldrick: But, my Lord, I've been in your family since 1532.
- Blackadder: So has syphilis. Now get out.
- [Elizabeth has coerced Blackadder into having a drinking party that night. He is trying to get it postponed a day because his rich Puritan relatives will be visiting]
- Queen Elizabeth: I know why you want to get out of it, because I remember the last time you had a party. I found you face-down in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins.
- Blackadder: Yes, all right! All right! Tonight it is!
- Queen Elizabeth: Oh, Edmund... I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed just to see the expression on your face.
- Blackadder: [Addressing drunken party guests] Look, do you lot want to hear about this goblin or not?
- [Chorus of "yes" from guests]
- Blackadder: Right, well, perhaps this time I might be allowed to continue and perhaps finish, with any luck.
- Lady Whiteadder: "Luck"? Hey hey, get it?
- [Chorus of "no" from guests]
- Lady Whiteadder: Oh, come on! "Luck." Sounds almost exactly like f...
- [scene cuts to closing credits]
- Queen Elizabeth: [about Lord Melchett, who is drunk] He was banging on the castle gates and falling over, and singing a curious song about a girl who possessed something called... a dicky-dido?
- Lady Whiteadder: Chairs! You have chairs in your House?
- Blackadder: Yes, well...
- [she slaps him twice]
- Lady Whiteadder: Wicked Child! Chairs are the work of Belezabub! At our house Nathaneal sits on a spike!
- Blackadder: And yourself?
- Lady Whiteadder: I sit on Nathaneal! Two spikes would be an extravagance.
- Simon Partridge: [drunk] Large one?
- [waves feather extravagantly]
- Simon Partridge: Sounds pretty *rude*, doesn't it?
- Blackadder: They have one great redeeming feature: their wallets. More capacious than an elephant's scrotum and just as difficult to get your hands on.
- Blackadder: So, Baldrick, when I call for my incredibly strong ale, I want you to pass me water. Understand?
- Baldrick: Yes, m'lord. When you ask for ale, I pass water.
- Blackadder: Well, it is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God.
- Lord Percy: Yes, I heard that.
- Blackadder: Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best.
- Lady Whiteadder: [Edmund returns from the drinking contestant with a pair of fake breasts strapped on] You seem to be wearing a pair of Devil's Dumplings!
- Blackadder: Well, it is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God.
- Lord Percy: Yes, I've heard that.
- Blackadder: Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best.
- Queen Elizabeth: [Elizabeth has coerced Blackadder into having a drinking party that night. He is trying to get it postponed a day because his rich Puritan relatives will be visiting] I know why you want to get out of it, because I remember the last time you had a party. I found you face-down in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins.
- Blackadder: [Stands in resigned frustration] Yes, all right! All right! Tonight it is!
- Queen Elizabeth: [Smiling and flirtatiously] Oh, Edmund... I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed just to see the expression on your face.
- Blackadder: A little drink?
- Lady Whiteadder: Wicked child! Drink is urine from the last leper in Hell!