Blackadder II (TV Series)

Beer (1986)

Rowan Atkinson: Edmund Blackadder

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Edmund is trying to impress his puritan relatives] 

  Blackadder : This is a house of simple purity.

  Monk : [Runs in and vomits in fireplace]  Great booze-up, Edmund.

  Lady Whiteadder : Do you know that man?

  Blackadder : No.

  Lady Whiteadder : He called you Edmund

  Blackadder : Oh, know him? Yes, I do.

  Lady Whiteadder : Then can you explain what he meant by "great booze-up"?

  Blackadder : [very long pause]  Yes, I can. My friend is a missionary and on his last visit abroad brought back with him the chief of a famous tribe. His name is Great Boo. He's been suffering from sleeping sickness and he's obviously just woken because as you've heard, Great Boo's up.

• Blackadder : Which reminds me, Auntie...

  Lady Whiteadder : Don't call me "Auntie." Aunt is a relative and relatives are evidence of sex. Which is hardly a fitting conversation for the dinner table.

  Blackadder : Or indeed, any table.

  Lord Percy : Except perhaps a table in a brothel.

• Simon Partridge : [as Queen Elizabeth emerges from the closet]  Whoa, another stripper.

  Geoffrey Piddle : [as Lord Whiteadder also appears]  And a male stripper!

  Monk : Oh yes, this is much more like it!

  [removes The Queen's cloak, revealing her identity] 

  Simon Partridge : And she's come dressed as the queen.

  Geoffrey Piddle : Sexy!

  Queen Elizabeth : [indignant]  Do you know who I am?

  Blackadder : [entering]  Yes. I know who you are.

  Geoffrey Piddle : Who?

  Blackadder : You're Merlin, the Happy Pig.

  Queen Elizabeth : Wrong, I'm afraid. I am the Queen of England.

  [they all kneel] 

  Queen Elizabeth : I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman. But I have the heart and stomach of a concrete elephant.

  Simon Partridge : Prove it!

  Queen Elizabeth : [playfully]  Certainly will.

  [picks up a large mug of beer] 

  Queen Elizabeth : First I'm going to have a little drinkie, and then I'm going to execute the whole bally lot of you.

• Blackadder : Baldrick! Why have you got a piece of cheese tied to the end of your nose?

  Baldrick : To catch mice my lord. I lie on the floor with my mouth open and hope they scurry in.

  Blackadder : And do they?

  Baldrick : Not yet my lord.

  Blackadder : That's right, your breath comes straight from Satan's bottom.

• Blackadder : Baldrick, get the door.

  [there is a crash and Baldrick enters with the door] 

  Blackadder : Now, Baldrick, I advise you to make whatever explanation you are about to give exceptionally good.

  Baldrick : You said get the door.

  Blackadder : Not good enough, you're fired.

  Baldrick : But, my Lord, I've been in your family since 1532.

  Blackadder : So has syphilis. Now get out.

• [Elizabeth has coerced Blackadder into having a drinking party that night. He is trying to get it postponed a day because his rich Puritan relatives will be visiting] 

  Queen Elizabeth : I know why you want to get out of it, because I remember the last time you had a party. I found you face-down in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins.

  Blackadder : Yes, all right! All right! Tonight it is!

  Queen Elizabeth : Oh, Edmund... I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed just to see the expression on your face.

• Blackadder : [Addressing drunken party guests]  Look, do you lot want to hear about this goblin or not?

  [Chorus of "yes" from guests] 

  Blackadder : Right, well, perhaps this time I might be allowed to continue and perhaps finish, with any luck.

  Lady Whiteadder : "Luck"? Hey hey, get it?

  [Chorus of "no" from guests] 

  Lady Whiteadder : Oh, come on! "Luck." Sounds almost exactly like f...

  [scene cuts to closing credits] 

• Lady Whiteadder : Chairs! You have chairs in your House?

  Blackadder : Yes, well...

  [she slaps him twice] 

  Lady Whiteadder : Wicked Child! Chairs are the work of Belezabub! At our house Nathaneal sits on a spike!

  Blackadder : And yourself?

  Lady Whiteadder : I sit on Nathaneal! Two spikes would be an extravagance.

• Blackadder : They have one great redeeming feature: their wallets. More capacious than an elephant's scrotum and just as difficult to get your hands on.

• Blackadder : So, Baldrick, when I call for my incredibly strong ale, I want you to pass me water. Understand?

  Baldrick : Yes, m'lord. When you ask for ale, I pass water.

• Blackadder : Well, it is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God.

  Lord Percy : Yes, I heard that.

  Blackadder : Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best.

• Blackadder : I hope you had a pleasant inheritance. Did I say inheritance? I meant journey.

• Blackadder : Uggh, the devil farts in my face once again...

• Blackadder : Well, it is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God.

  Lord Percy : Yes, I've heard that.

  Blackadder : Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best.

• Queen Elizabeth : [Elizabeth has coerced Blackadder into having a drinking party that night. He is trying to get it postponed a day because his rich Puritan relatives will be visiting]  I know why you want to get out of it, because I remember the last time you had a party. I found you face-down in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins.

  Blackadder : [Stands in resigned frustration]  Yes, all right! All right! Tonight it is!

  Queen Elizabeth : [Smiling and flirtatiously]  Oh, Edmund... I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed just to see the expression on your face.

• Blackadder : A little drink?

  Lady Whiteadder : Wicked child! Drink is urine from the last leper in Hell!