Darrin Stephens: Well, I'm just not going to stand for it in my house. If I have to, I won't go home for a year!
Stranger: It's just about a year since I've been home.
Darrin Stephens: I mean it, I... It is?
Stranger: I never should've told my mother-in-law to get out of the house! She owns it.
Darrin Stephens: You hadn't seen your family in all that time?
[the bartender rolls his eyes. The stranger begins sobbing]
Stranger: I went back once about six months ago. My kid didn't recognize me; and the dog bit me and he's my dog!
[the stranger drops his head on the counter and sobs some more]
Bartender: Comes in every night and cries like that.
Darrin Stephens: Wow.
Bartender: You know, pal, this job gives me a chance to see some pretty good observations. Now he thinks his mother-in-law's a holy terror and you think your wife's queen of the witches. But if the truth be it known, they all got their good points. Right, pal?
Darrin Stephens: They sure do, pal. They sure do.
Endora: Samantha! It's almost midnight and the transformees will be arriving! You should be getting into your robes!
Samantha Stephens: I thought I heard a car.
Endora: Look, if he comes back, he comes back. If he doesn't, we'll open a bottle of champagne.
[Samantha rolls her eyes and walks away]
Endora: Well, I thought that was rather a good idea.
Samantha Stephens: Oh, Darrin, I'm sorry.
Darrin Stephens: Sam, I want you to abdicate.
Samantha Stephens: What?
Darrin Stephens: I want you to quit!
Samantha Stephens: But I can't, I just took the oath of office!
Darrin Stephens: Okay, you said you couldn't refuse the crown, okay! You've been queen for a day, that's enough!
Samantha Stephens: No it isn't.
Darrin Stephens: I say it is!
Samantha Stephens: I have to serve for at least a year.
Darrin Stephens: You didn't tell me that!
Samantha Stephens: I didn't? Oh... well I, uh, uh, um, um, well I guess you didn't ask. Oh now, Darrin, please b-be reasonable. A year isn't very long. You'll see how quickly it'll pass, then I'll quit.
Darrin Stephens: In that case, call me in about a year! I'll be at Joe's!
Samantha Stephens: Joe's?
Darrin Stephens: Joe's Bar & Grill!
Darrin Stephens: I tell ya a man can take just so much then he has got to walk.
Stranger: You're so right.
Darrin Stephens: "It's just for a year," she says. "Okay," I say, "Call me in about a year. I'll be at Joe's Bar & Grill."
Stranger: I know how you feel. I've got a problem with my wife too - her mother.
Darrin Stephens: With all due respect, friend, your problem can't be as bad as mine. My wife is queen of the witches!
Stranger: She can't be! My mother-in-law's got that job!